Discovering Myself  

lissaneeds 43T
12 posts
11/29/2005 6:24 pm

Last Read:
10/19/2006 9:21 am

Discovering Myself

Discovering My Inner Feminine Self Lissa Needs
AS I am making my journey further into this world, I am realizing and learning so much more about my feminine inner self that I always knew existed. I have known since being a child that I was somehow "different" from other males , in the way I think and perceive others actions but my main difference I really have always noticed was how my feelings and emotions have always seem to have driven my actions and events in life. I have very powerful inner feelings that set the course of my life, both long term and day to day activities whether these activities are relationship or business related. It took a long time in order for me to understand how this inner self was actually guiding me in my life, that no matter how I tried to portray myself in the masculine world, my real spirit was actually much more feminine in nature, and then of course this sets up the real struggle that so many of us have to deal with everyday till we hopefully find “our place” in this world.
I am sure that the struggles that I have gone through are both unique to me but also similar to the countless other of my sisters who have had to deal with finding their place in the world. It is a long winding road with many curves, hills, and valleys with the occasional roadblock thrown in. Many times I believe this winding road is not only needed but absolutely necessary, it provides the checks and balances in a persons life that assure that what you are experiencing is not just a fleeting moment type of event in your life but, actually is much more far reaching.
As a child , I remember distinctly loving to putting on my mothers shoes, her ear rings even clumsily putting on some make-up, wanting to look as beautiful as my mother did. I even had a sister ‒in law who now I realize probably could sense this in me and she would help me, painting my nails, making me pretty, helping me to dress the right way. My mother was right there and never said a word, she would only smile and treated me no differently. During these times I always felt a very real sense of calm, as if what I was doing was right for my soul, connecting with an inner self that I knew existed within me although, as I grew older I came to realize that this was setting up a conflict with the real world in which we all live. My brothers would come home and just rip me for looking this way; and of course this mirrors society’s way of dealing with that which they can not understand, brand it as unacceptable behavior and shun any or all that would dare to go there. These events at such an early age served societies goal, it pushed me into a closet to hide for many years, added a dose of shame to me that I never had felt before and all of it was because I was feeling something that had always felt so natural to me. Heaven forbid that I would have to experience a public shaming for my quote /unquote, unacceptable behavior that seemed so totally acceptable to me.
These events pretty well shaped my childhood, and yes I did have a happy childhood, just one that was minus a very important component of my total self being as a person. As I was to learn for myself, much later in my life this would leave the proverbial “black hole” in my universe for which I believe I was always looking everywhere for the answer for its existence when in all reality, the answer existed all of the time…….and it was within me the whole time, quietly tending to her duties, shaping my life as it were, making me the person that I am…and always had been from my very beginning!

rm_LetsRelax2 55M
3 posts
1/26/2006 7:41 pm

You are just fine. Be happy with yourself and confident.

rm_zeus4u1941 75M

2/11/2006 6:04 am

A very beautiful & moving story. I would love to read more chapters.

rm_yoyo5673 39M

4/18/2006 2:43 pm

I would love to meet you and I would have my way with you.and i with do i contact I am very dicret and and you will be satisfied

worldba4u 53M

10/23/2007 1:02 am

I love reading and seeing the discoveries of one's inner self. It happens and evolves several times during a lifetime. You can either embrace or ignore the "voice". Of course, a closed minded society always hate and shuns different as evil. Look at your history. But with confidence in your self and open minded friends for support... you can do anything.

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