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So Why Stay Married?
So Why Stay Married?
I have never "fooled around" before. I am 44. I've been married 22 years. It was a three year engagement, and I married her, a virgin. I cared for her. I still care for her. I made a promise to her. So what's up.
I know. You know. Plain as can be. I hear a clock ticking. My life is winding down. It's now or never.
On our wedding night, we did not have sex. This troubled me. I had thought that was the night we were saving up for. And we spent it in different beds.
The next day, the little Irish beauty "did her duty." And boy, I tell you, I was something in THOSE days. We did our duty 11 times: nine times during that next night and twice more in the morning.
Then we walked like we were saddle sore from our first trail horseback for the next day. Ouch!
And basically that was it. Fun over.
A couple of years ago, I got to *see* her labia. Yep, in the daylight! (Wow! They are so pretty, labia... .
I have been granted the gift of muffdiving adventures a couple times in 22 years. But all the stars had to line up first. She really prefers not to be touched, not to be seen naked... she doesn't trust any of it. It makes her angry.
So on I go, love notes, flowers, phone calls... maybe it's too much. She always was so suspicious. Everything has a cost, she tells herself. Nothing is for free.
For years I have crossed my fingers, hoping.
At night, I have to carefully, strategically plan the "environment." When she goes to bed, I go to bed. I accidentally sleep close to her so she can feel my breath. I lie awake, every hair on my body straining to touch her, make contact with another human being.
I have played by these rules faithfully.
She "had a problem" with me masturbating. Not very fair, she said. She doesn't, so I shouldn't.
So I "broke the habit," and managed to abstain for a year. We had sex about 9 months into that. And it was so quick, over so fast, that I wanted "more." I desperately wanted to go j/o. But I didn't.
I think of all the times she and I started but then she quit. I think of the blue balls I've suffered.
She is so revered in this community. She works with underprivileged and handicapped kids. She does church work. She's holier than the nuns at church.
(But I'd have more sex with them, I bet. Hmmmm....)
A year ago she asked if I were back to masturbating again. I sat her down and honestly told her:
"Look. I have this thing down here that's completely going to waste. It is an awesome, awesome body part. I *love* what it can do. And I don't know why you don't. But please, I feel so cheated that I don't get to use it. I know you don't like it, but I have to use it before it doesn't work. I seriously don't know why I would have this thing which gives such intense feelings, and then be told, 'Oh, by the way-- don't touch it.'"
I told her how beautiful her own body is, how beautiful she is to me (and she is). I told her how fascinated I am with her every little nuance from hair to nose to neck to shoulder (I am so enthralled by her Irish beauty). I told her my deepest sexual fantasies.
And as always, at the mention of sex or my desire, her brows lowered, her eyes flashed, and lips went tight.
Had sex on our anniversary, 9 months ago.
She is an excellent mother. She works so hard. She has a great sense of humor. She has been a great partner.
But you know, in here when people say *partner*, they're talking a lot more about the definition I think she needs to look into. I don't need just a bill paying partner and traveling partner and homemaking partner.
Guys and gals... come closer... bend your ear to me: (I want to touch a woman! I want to give myself to her. I want to smother her in the masculine warmth of my bosom, wrapped up in these giant arms, and caressed by these huge hands of mine).
That's the kind of sex I want with a woman. I want total immersion, full one-on-one melding.
I'm 44, and I feel like a wasted resource. For 22 years, I've held it back (sort of... I mean, there are all those long showers where nothing was happening in there except... well, one arm is larger than the other... get it).
Before it doesn't work anymore, I *have* to bust out. I have to do something!
I understand that if she find out, I will lose my wife and my family. I know she will be hurt. And I don't mean to hurt her. I married her to protect her, not hurt her. I make myself sick thinking of that.
And god no, I'm not out for revenge or to punish her. This is not her fault. She just isn't... just isn't... we just aren't...
We have different ideas about human sexuality. She thinks it's all dirty; I think it's all beautiful and an important part of life's experience.
I thought maybe I would just go to my grave with these ambitions unmet. That was before I had surgery a week ago.
When I came out of surgery, she told me she thought I was going to die. Then she just bluntly told me, "I realized then I'd be all right with that. I would get by fine."
I looked at her horrified. Then I thought maybe it was a joke. "You wouldn't miss me a little bit?"
"I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about if the life insurance policy was enough."
So I tried to pump for a little emotional support with actually begging or losing too much dignity: "Um... but you *would* miss me, right?"
Basically her answer was, "You have a big head. It isn't all about you, you know."
My death isn't going to be about me. I'm still stunned by that.
If I don't talk about romance, if I don't talk about our personal relationship, we're okay. We get on like college roommates. But if I think of actually standing too close to her, or hugging her....
This hurts!... To write this write now, tears welling up, chest pain... It hurts so bad.
Almost as bad as my recent acquaintance in here pretty much letting me know that while I am married, I am of limited interest to her. She needs something more free for her.
Double whammy. I won't leave my wife, and I can't have someone else.
Yet for a little while, I am still going to try to fulfill fantasies I thought would have gotten filled. I'm still hoping to go back to my youth, when sex was exciting and new and I thought I was in for a great sex life as an adult... I'm going back there to pick up where I left off.
It's so complicated now. It's so complicated.
I have a choice right now of going to my grave an unused but faithful man, or trying to sneak in a little action and fulfill some of my sexual fantasies that have been idling for years.
I don't blame her. I don't want you to think she is cold. She doesn't do this on purpose (she just simply doesn't care for sex, or massage, or kissing....). She is about loving little kids, and about holding puppies, and about being funny to school children. Her life is full of charity and love for.....
That's it. I think I understand. Writing right now. That's it. She's afraid of people who are independent and strong? Afraid that if she gives in to them, she'll lose control?
Is it about control?
You know, whatever it is... I'm tired and worn out from trying to figure it out. I HAVE BEEN STARVING FOR HUGGING AND KISSING. I need to be hugged and kissed.
Does ANYONE understand me, or does it just seem like a cop out and whining?
I come from an open, natural family. I come from a place where sex was exciting and fun and playful.
I want to visit those days again before... well, before I have to say I wish I woulda because now I can't.
Someone please tell me they understand.
(Even if you don't, though, I'm a gonna do it anyway... or at least be trying to. I have a list of things I want to try. And I'm even kinda adding to it, because of things people have suggested in here. If you read my blog below, you'll see that I have had the great fortune of linking up with someone who needed a safe person as a partner. I don't know how much safer than me you can get -- no way *I* could have picked up anything!)