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Early morning thoughts.
Early morning thoughts.
Who am I? A woman alone in bed at 4 o'clock in the morning, thinking of her past, still trying to heel from the hurt and pain that was put upon me over a year ago.
Why have I not come further? Why have I not moved on? I have reached out for help and I got help. Friends and family gathered around me, but it was as if the help didn't reach all the way in.
I couldn't let go.
I held on.
I held on to the dream of him.
The dream of us together.
We were so perfect. Him, tall and handsome, a gentleman, a great lover, warm and passionate. Me, thirteen years younger, blond, curvy, warmhearted, passionate and kind. A greatlooking couple everyone said. Oh how we loved. We lived in two different countries and we flew to see each other once a month. Meetings filled with hot passion and hot sex. We went on holidays together, to beaches far away. We rode on elephants in the jungle of Nepal. We met in different cities or wonderful countrysides. He wrote so passionately to me, long letters and long emails. There was a rose every Friday at my workplace for six months. He was introduced to my Family, my children and my friends. This was the love. My love.
Then there were the lies.
He had said he was divorced, but he had a wife. I rang his wife and a year later, they divorced. I forgave him.
He travelled a lot and worked abroad. There were other women. I forgave him.
He always came back to me.
But the damage was done and little by little my mind was blackened by jealousy and I became more and more suspicsous of his whearabouts and with whom. Trust between us became very difficult.
I would go through his things, when he didn't see. I would try and find his mobile, always looking for clues.
Then finally, a year ago, I broke into his emails and there it was.
He had had another relationship for over a year with one woman, and several other fings and flirts. He was on several dating and sexsites and his emailbox was filled with messages from different women.
I was not his only love. I was not his love.
When he realised that I was 'on to him' and his little 'escapades', he took off to a foreign country and worked for six months.
I was as far down as a woman can reach.
Small steps forward and in a few months I was back on track and working again. I took help from Family and friends.
But he would not let me go.
He called me and begged forgivness. He said I was his only love and that he had realised this now that we were apart.
I stood strong against him for many weeks but finally I cracked and let him back into my life.
I had not let go of the dream. I had not let go of our past, the love and the passion and I could not believe he could have shared anything like that, with another woman.
I was engaged to another man, when He came back into my life and we met up for passionate sex in hotels. I felt like a beaten dog around him, waiting for the next punch, scared to be around him.
He said he understood how I felt and then he undressed me and kissed me like no other man has ever kissed me and I fell into his arms like I had no morals, no pride and my engagementring was in my purse.
Finally, he had made me as bad as him.
The circle was closed.
He knew about my engagement.
He became my 'confidant'. I would talk to him about my troubles. I would share what went on in my other relationship. He became my friend and my lover.
I broke up my engagement and moved out of our home. I could not live with myself and I wanted Him, my love, my passion.
But I couldn't let go of the hurt, the pain, the lies, the past.
Let's be good friends he said, let's have fun and sex he said. Let's go to Paris and let's just enjoy life, he said. Let's fuck and play and be together when we can, he said. I love you, he said. In my own, special way, he said.
But I couldn't.
Because he was my love.
So who am I? A blond, curvy, sexy woman, falling apart. Feeling as though I was 80 years old and looking back at my life saying; at least I went out there.
Yes, I went out there and now I lie here alone, thinking there is no love.
Because if I could feel as I felt for him, and we all know that whatever that was it wasn't love, then there is no love.
There simply isn't.
I still can't let go. My heart, my mind is full of Him. Full of memories, the good, the bad. Full of dreams that we shared, meals we had, travels we went on, secrets we told, his hands on my breasts, his tounge between my legs, his breath on my neck, his smell. Oh how I loved to breathe in and fill my senses with him.
Oh, how I loved.
12/31/2005 4:13 am
Lickinghot, take your licks like a Big Girl. |
Look on the real, positive side of your episode of love and pain. Would you have preferred no pain and no love? A nice hot steamy sex and lukewarm tepid feeling relationship? Have had one that lasted long?
That, besides satisfying the endorphine levels,would it really have satisfied your soul?
And have you ever found love without the pain of doubt, the anxiety of someday losing your loved one to another woman,to the vagaries of chance, or to bitchdeath?
Attachment is of itself, says Zenmaster, the cause of pain. Never felt detachment when I enjoyed all the pleasures of love. Think you could be detached and enjoy lovepleasure?
Suggest you listen to Leonard Cohen, he has a song that sings
...' you are locked into your suffering, and your pleasures are the seal..'
In this world of duality, we have to face up to emotional suffering , if we want to enjoy emotional pleasure.
That's the way it is my dear.. Welcome to Samsara!
And may you stand up more times than you get knocked down. May your pleasures seal away lesser sorrows.
And may you really find the lasting and yet free&detatched pleasure bond that we all seek.