Can u really be friends.........after the sex is over??  

lady_on_fire 45F
498 posts
1/9/2006 11:54 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Can u really be friends.........after the sex is over??

This is a huge question for me right now. You see i had been seeing someone and he can't decide what he wants. See i guess his heart still belongs to someone else, from Illinois. She dumped him, broke his heart. But he thinks she wants him back.We stopped having sex right before new years. Because i was getting too attached and Im not about to have MY heart broke. But i do want him to be happy and if its her, then he should go for it. So we decided we would be friends.
But whats hard is....i miss the physical part of us. He still comes over all the time, calls me all the time. When he's gone i can still smell him here. It makes me want him more. But when he is here, I'm very good. I don't make moves on him, or make him uncomfortable.

But yesterday, he was being very playful with me.Smacking my butt, pinching my nipples. I told him he wasn't allowed to touch them anymore since we're just friends. We both laughed.
I know there is still some sexual energy between us, and i know he just doesn't know what he's doing. But he has to be the one to make his mind up. So until then, im not giving into temptation.

So my question is....can u still be friends even after the sex is over?? I want to very much, but I need to be able to not desire him as much as i do. Can anyone offer me some advice???

crazygurl2xx 57F

1/9/2006 12:25 pm

HA! Good Luck.
NOTHING beats a real sexual attraction and friendship can be emotional overhead.
Personally, I don't believe in being friends after it's over. It's my own personal shortcoming and I indulge it.
Either I get what I want or we are done, bye bye. Not to be mean, but it's just too hard wanting something you can't have and always have it so close, but too far away.
Seriously, best of luck following your own heart.

noordinarychic2 48F
242 posts
1/9/2006 12:37 pm

I stopped having sex with my best friend almost two months ago... for almost the same reasons as you.... and it is hard..... the desire is still there... i often laugh that we'll either end up married or hating each other.... we try to do the 'buddy" things we've always done together....but the tension is almost too much at times... was assumed we were going back to his place to have sex....really good good sex i may we go back to his place or mine... sit on opposite ends of the couch and try to pretend the air isn't crackling with everything we are not unfortunately i can't give you any advise except to say good friends are hard to find....that's what keeps me going..... i don't want to get my heart broken....but at the same often do you find a true true friend.... best of luck to you.... it'll work out... Rae

sassybelle21 32F
13313 posts
1/9/2006 12:37 pm

Yes you can still be friends even after the sex is over but both got to do what they got to do. Other than that, I try not to deal with guys who aren't sure of what they way.

rm_luking4a5h4g 32M
40 posts
1/9/2006 12:39 pm

YES you can but....
its hard work. My GF of 4 years dumped me a few months ago, just wanting to be friends. It was hard at first, there was still "sexual energy" between us, we still had sex, and played etc. It was really getting me down, knowing that she was there but I couldn't have her etc. So I made the decision to cut her out of my life comletely. I'm starting to get over it, she still contacts me every so often, and in a few days I'm going to be moving back in near her and I'll see her everyday. So it can be done, but you have to have strong will power, and be willing to call it off for a bit.

TB49er 40F

1/9/2006 12:48 pm

I have a friend that we had sex and it was suppose to be just that, but it became more. We stopped having sex and we became friends. We joke around about sex but we both know that we will never cross that line again. As long as you set boundaries and stick to them you should be ok. Good luck.

SexyRycheBabe 45F
820 posts
1/9/2006 12:54 pm

I think you're wise in not sleeping with him. At the same time, you giving him your attention and time is still like icing on the cake for him. He gets to take all of this time to make up his mind about what he wants from the ex AND he hangs out with you, etc... I think he's probably counting on the fact that you'll change your mind or give into your desires and do the deed. (Maybe not counting on it but HOPING FOR it anyway.) Esp. with the most recent round of "flirting." Maybe you should have a complete break now and then later on, when the feelings and desires aren't so intense, then you can be friends. Or, just fuck him and don't worry about being his friend. Good luck!

rm_Lady_Fantasy 57F
20 posts
1/9/2006 1:03 pm

I like the idea of having an ex-lover as a friend, but I've come to understand that many men don't believe in having women as friends. It's like all or nothing. I don't agree with that. I struggle with the same issues you do with a former love of mine. The passion between us is overwhelming...and it is always so good having sex with him...I just can't "be" with him. I think at some point in time...we will drift apart...and most probably never see each other again...

rm_wetnessbiu 49F  
90 posts
1/9/2006 1:21 pm

Sounds like he needs to make his mind up. I agree with crazygurl, the sexual energy is still there. I can only speak for myself. I have never been able to continue a friendship, once the sex has stopped. Me being selfish, always feel better when I got the last "nut." For example, him asking me to just let him eat it one more time. I even went back to one particular guy, just because when we broke it off...he got his dick sucked and even nutted in my mouth. Couldn't let him win. He fell into the "game" and asked to eat it. Oh well... I felt so much betta!! lol this guy still longs for me.

Sulabula 45F
12658 posts
1/9/2006 1:32 pm is possible...I have a very good friend that I was with a couple of times...but the decision was made to be friends rather than lovers...I wasn't exactly over the moon and it took me a while to accept but now our friendship has gone beyond all that...we chat all the time...and is now one of my closest friends...I confide in him and trust him with his honesty...and we still go out for drinks...There is still chemistry there...sometimes I catch him staring at me...but I know to have sex again would ruin what we have now...and i don't want to lose that

But do what u think is best

Sula xxx

Sula xxx

come visit my blog

MissAnnThrope 56F
11488 posts
1/9/2006 1:38 pm

The only way to remain friends once the sex is gone is if you were simply friends with benefits to begin with. The romantic feelings have to disappear, or all you do is frustrate yourself and you will end up lashing out at him.

This situation bugs me anyway. It's like you're waiting for him to figure out she doesn't want him back and for him to be willing to settle. I think you need to take a step back, really look at hime on a mental level and not an emotional level and just see how you really feel. Only you can decide if you can deal with a friendship with this man. None of us can make that decision for you.


1/9/2006 2:13 pm


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
1/9/2006 2:31 pm

yes, it is possible when both parties involved agree to
respect an agreed upon set of boundaries. often times it
is not possible when there is sexual attraction between the two...sometimes, *time* apart serves to cool this somewhat
wherein you can serve each other in a more *neutral* fashion...and the *friendship* thing serves when it it neutral sexually.

best of luck to you...i've been where you are and it can be
a painful place to be when everyone is not clear and absolutely
honest about their feelings...being willing to clearly communicate assists as well...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

EroticTantra 57M

1/9/2006 2:32 pm

Really, it depends on the people. I've gone from lover to friend and friend to lover a number of times with no difficulties. I had a tantric sex partner as a friend for over four years and we're still best friends even though we don't have sex anymore.

I would say that there is no one answer that fits all people, so you have to judge it yourself.

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
1/9/2006 4:03 pm

lady There are several very good pieces of advice. The reality is all people are different. Only you and he can really define (set boundaries) what the relationship will look like. I have several previous lovers who are very good friends. And I have some with whom I have lost touch. My experience is that if the friendship was strong before the sex tehn it can exist afterward. But it does take some work and some personal self discipline on both parts for a while.

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. George Washington

rm_puisscent 49M
3 posts
1/9/2006 4:48 pm

Don't allow yourself to get attached. You can easily have a friend and have sex with him. If he wants to go back to his ex (she is his ex for a reason ) and if she'll have him; then be happy for him.

If it doesn't happen, maybe he'll realise that you are more than just a friend.

take it easy.

lady_on_fire 45F

1/9/2006 6:32 pm

WOW..thanks for all the great advice. I will take it all into account. The thing is...we were not friend before the sex. WE met, went out a few times, had great sex....and now its ending. So from what im may not work. There is alot of sexual tension between us. Tonight he was back, just hangin out here. Playing with my kids, me. He gets to teasing me, wrestling and stuff. And of course....that leads to wondering hands. I had to tell him to watch it. But i admit..i miss that closeness with him. I'm not going to let him go completely, not right now while he's still here. I may just have to go cold turkey when its time. Oh well, thank you all.

mrmooncalf 43M
2 posts
1/26/2006 8:25 am

I have a bad habit of responding to old posts... I've never had a problem with remaining friends after sex. In fact, I wish sex and friendship were more interchangable. As an atheist, Im not hell bent on monogamy, but current society kinda keeps me (us?) there.

Uhm... after reviewing your post, I seriously hope that you're through with this guy... He's either a player or just confused... either one should be off limits.

Become a member to create a blog