The end of a thirty seven year relationship.  

kokopelli_123 51M
62 posts
3/6/2006 10:25 am

Last Read:
10/11/2007 4:45 pm

The end of a thirty seven year relationship.


This is an adult blogsight but feel free to pass this on to any minors. I'll take full responsiblity. I quit associating with Nicotine on the twenty-first of February.
I'd had an ongoing relationship with Nico since I was fourteen years old. I grew up on a farm in central Nebraska. At the age of twelve I began cultivalting the hunderds of acres of row crops on the family farm. Cultivating consisted of sitting on a John Deere tractor for nine to ten hours a day. The tractor crept along at three to four miles per hour and the only time there was a variance in the process was at the end of the row. When I reached the end of a row I'd have to stop, raise the cultivator, back up, stop, go forward and turn around into the next four rows, stop, backup, lower the cultivator, and start to the other end.
Out of boredom I began chewing or smoking Nico at this time. I was probably around the age of sixteen when I added Cannibis to the routine. I'll save the story of that addiction for another time.
Since I quite associating with Nico I have experienced a multitude of feelings. I'll start with relief because I have to be positve about this ordeal. Whenever I'm at the local minimart/video store now I don't have to check and see it I have enough smokes to get through the evening. My sense of smell is better, maybe to the point of being entertaining. The first ten minutes of each day are much more pleasant. I no longer let the dog out, nuke some water for instant coffee and have a smoke. Christ, what a breakfast.
I have given up a long time companion and here is where problems arise. At home I smoked. I smoked whenever I was tinkering in the garage. I smoked after every meal. I smoked before I took my morning shower. I smoke while driving.
I am have bouts of depression again.. Yesterday I couldn't play in the garage without getting anxious. I rented a couple DVDs, read and napped. Around six-thirty a dear friend called. I told her how I was feeling. I told her I understand why some people need antidepresants to say goodbye to Nico. For me they never worked. She asked why.. I said "Most likely because I was a practicing alcoholic at the same time". Having been with me at the time she just laughed. She told me you've being doing this your whole life, don't expect it to go away in two weeks or two months. She said it with love.
For myself, my own emotional health, I feel antidepresants postpone the inevitable. At some point in time I'm going to need to clean out the closet so to speak. Resolve the resentment, forgive the forgivable, and move towards love instead of fear. I am very fortunate to have that ability. I empathize with those that for whatever reason can't create resolution. Most professionals whether they be in medicine or religion don't recommend self-help. My Creator does hoewever.
Quit smoking! I promise you it will be one of lifes most interesting and rewarding journeys. Experience the symptoms of withdrawl and become stronger. Love yourself. Know the fact that it will not kill you to quit, but it may kill you to continue. Everything we put in our mouths we are in a sense eating. I keep picturing that half full water bottle on the garage workbench. Dozens of cigarette butts drowned out in it. It would be healthier to swallow the contents of that bottle than to smoke it.
To my Good/God, thankyou for creating me in your image.

barbiebunny 36F
5597 posts
3/9/2006 4:13 pm

One of the best pieces of advice my dad gave me was FEEL feelings..you dont have to ACT on them.

I admore you so much for growing in this journey and taking responsibility for your health! I know u can do it.
its time for you
xo Bunz

Its good to be...ME


kokopelli_123 51M

3/10/2006 12:34 pm

Thanx for the faith Bunny. I think you're pretty special too.


rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
4/4/2006 10:47 pm

GOOD FOR YOU!!! applause!
applause! applause! applause!


i became a NON smoker 29 years ago! it is...a choice!

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


kokopelli_123 replies on 10/11/2007 4:46 pm:
than you so much. sorry for the delay.

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