Virgin blogger  

just4funSDxoxo 37M
0 posts
11/5/2005 11:30 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Virgin blogger

Nice. Another blank sheet of paper. There's nothing quite as alluring as a pure, white sheet of paper. No lines, no margins, no bothersome binding holes. Just a blank space, begging to be used, pleading to be dirtied with anything you choose. There's no judgement here, it will accept anything you decide belongs there.

{{{{Next part is boring}}}}

What an odd place for a blog. I found myself a lot less repulsed by this site than I thought I would be. I figured it was akin to a strip club, dark and gloomy, reeking of knock-off perfume and scum. I'm not sure why I even paid for a membership, honestly. Maybe a rebellion against my current situation, maybe the excitment of a possible spark, maybe just pure adrenaline. Either way you look at it, I'm signed up and I might as well make the best of it.

It's so interesting thinking about who will read the drivvel I decide to post here. Will anyone? Will they care? Will they identify? Will they ask for more? Considering this type of communication is more for the talker than the listener, I guess I could care less but, in a voyeuristic moment, I'd still like to know.

{{{{The rest is really personal, read on}}}}

I'd also like to use this time to sincerly apologize to someone in my life. This person has been really supportive to me through a lot of trials and struggles and deserves my respect and love. She has both but not in the way that she really wants it and, karmically, that's depressing. It's not that she does not deserve it, it's just that I can't provide it... to her at least. I can care for her and love her and support her back but I just can't seem to fall in love with her despite how hard I try.

I've been in love before... anyone I know will remember who and when. I loved her as much as I could but couldn't make it work for myself despite her pure devotion and loyalty. When I think about letting her go (over and over) I wonder if it was as bad as I thought it was but there's no use in doing that. She's 1500 miles away and, though we still talk infrequently, a re-hashing of the issue might push me over the edge.

I'm really sorry _________. I'm sorry I still talk to _________ but I do and how we talk does not respect what we have/had. I'm sorry I have to break your heart over and over. You deserve my love and attention and dedication and I don't know what stops me from giving you what I know I can give to a woman. You've had a taste of it from me before, where did that go? I'm sure you're asking yourself the same question, what happened to him? I used to be perfect for you, I know I was, you told me that repeatedly (actually ________ used to tell me that repeatedly but I could see it in your eyes).

What is going to happen when I go home? Will we be done? Will we still be working it out? If so, can I respect you and keep away from ________? Even if I can or I can't, you won't hear about it. You won't hear about my "strength" in keeping away from her in your name. You also won't hear about my inability to do the right thing to do. What do I tell her if I decide to keep away? Will she understand (prob not)?

I love you a lot, wouldn't tell you that unless I did. But I loved you before all of this too... in the way two friends do. I hope someday you can forgive me... it's only going to get worse from here, I can feel it already.


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