with a heavy heart  

julietofverona 44M/44F
178 posts
1/25/2006 3:37 pm

Last Read:
3/23/2006 5:46 am

with a heavy heart

i've been reading and rereading this question for two hours. i'm supposed to have this lesson completed and in the mail tomorrow morning, but still i'm here on question 3 of 8 (question 3 of 8 with 10 typed pages already) and i keep reading and rereading the passage I need to write about. nothing is processing. nothing.

today has been a rough day.

period started like clockwork. as if anyone here needs to know that. but i'm always sorta funked out the first day or two of this lovely thing we women endure.

and then i'm at work and get an IM from my husband with a link inside. the link is an obituary of a mutual friend of ours. he plunged four stories to his death - from a parking garage. no one is entirely certain whether he fell or jumped. he was 25. rest in peace, my friend.

and on the way home my husband calls me and starts going on and on about all the old coworkers and friends who he's been in touch with today because of the death and one is a guy who might want to help him when he launches his own business in the next year or so. and my husband is already talking terms and money and all that with the guy. and he/we have not done any formal cost analysis, there's no business plan as of yet, we haven't researched advertising ... virtually NOTHING has been done yet outside of a bit of brainstorming and daydreaming and he's already telling this guy how much he'd pay him. and me being the villainous practical one, i kindly remind him that it's a bit too early to be speaking with such certainty and making promises. and he blows up and tells me that i never support his ideas and he knows what he's doing and blah blah blah. but when it is OUR money that would be launching this business, he better believe i'm going to impart my practicality. one of us needs to be grounded in reality. and i have a hell of a lot more business and managerial experience than he does.

so that, of course, lead to a tangential argument about money and we hung up pissed off at each other.

so i'm all funked out this afternoon.

he did call and apologize. must give credit for that.

and he also called to tell me that he spoke with a recruiter and may be setting up an interview for a position that would require 70% out of state travel. the money is much better. and i love the idea of him travelling ... and me having a little space.

on the other hand, given our experience the last time he was out of state, i suspect it will be a real challenge if the job comes through. though the incident that occurred back then was tied to the long term relationship we'd had with our threeway boy, he is highly likely to presume that because things happened with threeway boy while he was out of state, that surely that means i'll jump at the chance to mess around with someone else while he is out of state. no, he won't be thinking of that right now but the first night he's out of town and i don't answer my cell phone within two rings he'll be thinking of every wrong reason i don't have the cell phone in arm's reach.

trust issues? youbetcha.

that one incident. that one incident that he started. that one incident that never, ever would have occurred had he not pushed me. and i am the sinner. i am the nefarious character. i am the one who is questioned at every turn.

case in point: i got a phone call from the guy who owns the coffee shop in the bookstore i work in. he wanted me to call his wife, kathy. so i wrote down her phone number on a slip of paper. 'kathy' it said, followed by the phone number. my husband comes home, sees the post-it. waves it at me and says, 'who is keith?!'

trust issues? youbetcha.

so as much as i want this job to come through, i'm not so sure it's a good thing. it may hasten the end of my marriage. or if nothing else, inspire a few more rip-roaring and completely unnecessary fights.

the silver lining today? the sweet sales rep for the baked goods company that is trying to get the coffee shop guy to sell his stuff. he's been in 4 or 5 times already this week and he stays for hours. and we have this silly fun eye flirtation going. whenever i enter the room or walk past him he looks up...we share four or five heartbeats of eye contact and exchange a tiny half-smile. delicious, harmless fun. i hope they haven't settled their business. i'd love to see those green eyes again tomorrow.

slidein2meplz 61F
1994 posts
1/25/2006 4:49 pm

I can relate... Was I wrong?

Hang in there. Ok.

~~~ Just me, poppin to say HI! ~~

norprin5 55M

1/30/2006 8:50 am

sweet, juliet...i understand about trust issues. in my case, it was me that screwed up. i'm sorry that you have to deal with his jealousy and paranoia, honey. be strong, be true to yourself (good advice i recently recieved from several of our fellow bloggers). and keep on bloggin', honey. we're listening.

King Nor XVIII

norprin5 55M

2/15/2006 3:49 pm

juliet...i miss you

King Nor XVIII

Become a member to create a blog