letting go  

julietofverona 44M/44F
178 posts
12/16/2005 9:20 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

letting go

is it possible to be lonely ... and yet never alone?

i just want to feel, even for a moment, the thrill of my soul connecting with another.

perhaps part of these feelings is a wishfulness born of a conversation i had today with someone i have spent two years trying to put behind me.

he was the third in our threesome. a deliberate choice born of a longing that had built over months leading up to our first encounter. a friend of my husband, we'd known each other a while before my husband ever began his campaign to get me to accept a third person in our bed. i wouldn't, couldn't even grasp the concept - until his name was brought up. and all the sudden i saw things in a different light.

the relationship lasted over two years. we saw each other infrequently, every 6 to 8 weeks. we talked often, though. and deep conversation and a true sense of friendship combined with relatively infrequent but regular intensely, beautifully erotic encounters evolved into something more than friendship and less than possible. he confessed his feelings eventually, pretty words of love breathed across my skin when my husband's back was turned. against my lips as he kissed me. over the phone. loudly, possessively in the few brief encounters we dared that we thought my husband wouldn't discover. my heart sang with love, ached with longing, but i never had the courage to speak the words in return. and now i know it's all for the best.

as always, the truth was discovered and everything went as disastrously as it should have. the relationship that we'd built was over. there was anger, hurt, jealousy, confusion. we parted ways, my husband demanding that we never communicate again. a promise i wasn't able to keep for long, but we knew - he respecting me, me attempting to respect my vows - we would not see each other again. shortly thereafter he began dating a girl his brother introduced him two. that was two years ago on Thanksgiving. He will marry her in April.

i'm no longer jealous. i was ... oh, how i was. that she would have this beautiful creature that i longed for with every beat of my heart. but as time, distance, and circumstance has allowed me to realize, i know that much of the attraction was built on the simple fact that it would never work. the intensity lasted because we knew each encounter could be the last, and neither was beholden to the other - no strings, no obligations, no complications - short of being there when the other needed a friend, and enjoying the slow evolution of anticipation from one meeting to the next. in the every day world we likely would have grown bored of each other before long, as happens in every relationship. otherwise, he never would have fallen in love with someone else. and i would have left my husband at that time when things were at their very worst. he did, i didn't, and so life goes on.

we still talk with relative regularity, keeping tabs on each other's lives, borrowing a shoulder when we need one. he knows well the ups and downs of my marriage and worries after me. i know little about his relationship with his soon to be wife, but he's happy and that is good enough for me. today, though ... today he hinted at a chance meeting, an accidental encounter made from deliberate planning, crossing paths while Christmas shopping. Oh, how I was tempted. Even just to catch his eye in a crowded shopping mall, feel the intensity as our gazes lock. Would we be overwhelmed with the need to touch one another? To brush fingertips, to lose ourselves in what would appear to anyone else an innocent hug between friends? Or perhaps he would finally be just another person to me. Perhaps it could work as closure rather than an awakening of desire that has lain dormant for two long years.

I will never know. Trusting my better judgement, no plans were made. Our paths will not cross.

norprin5 55M

12/17/2005 7:52 am

ah, sweet juliet...love is a cruel joke
*gentle hugs*

King Nor XVIII

julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/17/2005 1:00 pm

isn't it? and yet we crave it like an addiction...

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