I wouldn't read this if I were you  

julietofverona 44M/44F
178 posts
12/9/2005 1:50 pm

Last Read:
3/21/2006 2:38 pm

I wouldn't read this if I were you


If you didn't catch the subject line, let me begin by saying that I don't recommend reading this.

I don't recommend reading this because it is personal and quite possibly contains way more information than anyone might have wished to have. If you choose to read on, so be it. I just need somewhere to purge the feelings of revulsion and anger that have been building up inside of me for the past 24 hours.

That being said, let me also make it clear that this is going to be a very angry post. Let it be known that I am pissed off. Disgusted. Hurt. Repulsed. And stuck. This is my life. For whatever reason, I chose it and it is mine to make the most of or get the fuck out. As for what I chose to do, the jury is still out on that. But these are the sort of situations that make me question how the fuck I ended up in this life and what I am going to do to make things different.

Okay, now some of you... if you have continued to read... may share the same pathetic sort of notion as my husband on what is "hot." If you do, then I am very sorry for you and perhaps you will learn something from this.

Okay. A little about me. I'm 33. College educated, getting ready for grad school and a career change. Professional. Mature. Clean cut. Intelligent. Creative. Friendly. Not some scummy two-bit freak. Want an idea of what I look like? Scroll down a few entries to the e.e. cummings poem I posted - there's a partial photo of my face there. Okay.

My husband? 32. Ex-military. Some college. A kid at heart. Loves comic books, Star Wars, science fiction, computers, cartoons, XBox. Whereas I love literature, music, theater, museums. Notice the contradictory nature of our interests. Opposites attract, they say. Well. I'd like to have a little talk with whoever "they" are.

Regarding our sex life, my husband is enthusiastic. Enthusiastic and self absorbed. I best describe his attentions as "smothering." His kisses are hard and wet, no tenderness. Just a display of his hunger. Sex consists of grabbing my breasts, shoving his hands inside my pants, and then fucking me with no regard to my own pleasure. You think I'm exaggerating. Or simplifying. I'm not.

So. On to what this post is really about.

Yesterday we go to the movies. 5 o'clock show, seeing The Ice Harvest. We walk into the theatre as the previews are rolling and I notice with dismay that we are the only ones in the theater. I know exactly what this means. Sure enough, he tries to steer me to the back row of the theater, as though we are fifteen years old. I forcefully steer him to the middle of the theater, hoping our proximitiy and visibility from the projection room will thwart any ideas he have. We sit down. He puts his coat in his lap. He wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively. I roll my eyes and focus on the movie that is now beginning.

Thirty minutes or so into the movie, he's holding my hand and circling his fingers around my thumb, stroking it suggestively. I know what he's hinting at. But come on now. We're not in high school. We are adults. I am a person of class, of taste, of refinement. Don't treat me like a common whore and ask for a handjob in the middle of a move theater. I don't care if it is empty. Treat me with respect, asshole.

Disappointed that I ignore his silent suggestion, he then takes my hand and forces it onto his crotch, pushes it over the thick bulge of his erect cock still safely esconced in his jeans. He presses my hand against it and lifts his hips, rubbing against it. I give him a look that tells him to knock the fuck off and try to remove my hand. His fingers dig into my flesh, pinning my hand there as he rubs against me. "Stop," I hiss, now very pissed off. I tug at my hand and he lets go.

I focus on the movie again, trying to figure out what details I've just missed. I hear him fumbling next to me, see movement under the coat he has covering his lap. Oh no he isn't... I think. I distinctly hear the clatter of his belt buckle, the zip of his fly. And when he reaches for my hand again and forces it into his lap, skin meets skin. He has his cock fully exposed beneath the coat.

Is it just me? Am I such a prude? Or does anyone else see how prepubescent and disrespectful this is? Particularly when I made it very clear that I do not wish to jerk him off in the middle of a goddamn movie theater?? He finally realizes that I'm not going to help him and proceeds to jerk himself off right then and there, cleaning himself off with the extra napkins, dumping them into the half eaten bucket of popcorn when he was done.

I was disgusted. Disappointed. And hurt...angry. Why couldn't he respect my feelings? Is he such a pathetic horny little fuck that he has to jerk off in the theater simply because it is empty?

This... This. This is my life.

And then afterward, as we drove home I had to listen to him talk about how hot it was and how much he knew I wanted it. How can he not get it?? Is he so stupid?? Or is this just the sort of lie you use on yourself to convince yourself that it was okay to do whatever stupid thing you've done?

Grow the fuck up.

I'm sick. How did I get here. There must be a way out.

If you've bothered to read this far, I apologize for errors of any sort, grammatical or otherwise. I'm too pissed off to proofread.

mygmyg 59M

12/9/2005 2:51 pm

Juliet, you want and deserve to be respected!! and loved like a LADY!!

Nothing wrong with feeling this way, YOU deserve to be happy.

YOUR life, do what makes you Happy!!


davedave21now 32M

12/9/2005 3:10 pm

Well, hon, men are all pigs, it doesnt matter which part of the spectrum you are looking at. i am a (gay) man myself and have my moments, though i am very good at controlling them. but i have known many many guys and they ALL are jerks, just as i said, some of them are more proficient at hiding their pigness... well, if he doesnt understand just how much this totally grossed you out and if he cannot at least acknowledge the fact that you found this very disrespectful. the fact that he treated you the way he did afterwards suggests very strongly that he has no respect for you. There are ways out, you are young and beautiful and if he cant see that fuck him. there are pleeenty of men that will respect that, and you dont need to put up with that bullshit. the sanctity of marriage is built on a foundation of love and mutual respect, and if he cant uphold his part of themarriage than he shouldnt be in it.


im_your_man77 39M
961 posts
12/9/2005 3:15 pm

Ok I'm not sure if I should be typing anything here or if you really just trying to use this place to coordinate your thoughts here, but I'll say my piece anyway. Why are you still with him? You are obviously intelligent, you are no longer getting on like you did in the past, he is taking no interest in finding out who you are and what you are like and what you want. Are there any kids involved? I really don't see any point in staying with him, I think you have what it takes to make a comfortable life without him and by the sounds of it a far happier life.


HotTXpussy4U 48F

12/9/2005 3:34 pm

My ONLY suggestion - next time (as there will be, since there was a this time)... move to another seat/row to watch the movie. See if he thinks it's so hot when he's sitting there alone.

If he's not caring enough to see that you are not into it - and he would rather do it alone... I can forsee he might be doing it alot alone in his future.

Sorry you had such a pissy night sweetie!!!

Smiles - HotTx


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/10/2005 12:52 pm

A brief reply to thank each of you for sharing your thoughts and taking the time to respond. I'll reply to each of you tonight or tomorrow - whenever I have a bit of time to myself.

Thank you again.


sport1357 50M

12/10/2005 1:26 pm

Juliet
You deserve better than this. You are clearly articulate, intellectual and fun. The key here is respect and it seems totally absent. Sounds like you need a fresh start. I know that's easy to say and painful in the short term, but I'm sure you'll find long term happiness and emotional fulfillment with a new beginning.
Good luck - thinking of you.


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/11/2005 10:33 am

    Quoting davedave21now:
    Well, hon, men are all pigs, it doesnt matter which part of the spectrum you are looking at. i am a (gay) man myself and have my moments, though i am very good at controlling them. but i have known many many guys and they ALL are jerks, just as i said, some of them are more proficient at hiding their pigness... well, if he doesnt understand just how much this totally grossed you out and if he cannot at least acknowledge the fact that you found this very disrespectful. the fact that he treated you the way he did afterwards suggests very strongly that he has no respect for you. There are ways out, you are young and beautiful and if he cant see that fuck him. there are pleeenty of men that will respect that, and you dont need to put up with that bullshit. the sanctity of marriage is built on a foundation of love and mutual respect, and if he cant uphold his part of themarriage than he shouldnt be in it.
davedave -

thank you for an insightful comment and for not being afraid to throw the male species under the bus.

i don't know if he chooses not to respect me or if he just has the mental capacity of a 15 year old and he just can't comprehend that i wouldn't find it to be the profound sexual thrill that he did and simply assumes that despite my reaction it was as great for me as it was for him.

there are ways out, yes, and messy it is. financial entanglements, who owns what, it's a scary thought. then again, so is living with this for what could potentially be some of the best years of my life.

thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/11/2005 10:43 am

    Quoting im_your_man77:
    Ok I'm not sure if I should be typing anything here or if you really just trying to use this place to coordinate your thoughts here, but I'll say my piece anyway. Why are you still with him? You are obviously intelligent, you are no longer getting on like you did in the past, he is taking no interest in finding out who you are and what you are like and what you want. Are there any kids involved? I really don't see any point in staying with him, I think you have what it takes to make a comfortable life without him and by the sounds of it a far happier life.
man77:

coordinating thoughts, vent, emotional purge, all of the above - but comments are always welcomed and i thank you for taking the time to do so.

no kids yet, so there isn't that piece to wrestle with. why am i still with him? it's that see-saw back-and-forth argument i have with myself. from a physical/emotional/sexual standpoint our relationship has been dead for a very long time. however as two friends we get along great. love and romance and sex aside, we make great roommates - he's a great friend. but that's just it, you know? i have to allow myself to see past the surface, past the every day of accepting that things are "good enough" ... good enough for whom? this isn't the life i wanted. this isn't the marriage i wanted. why am i settling? it's as though i question my own worth and figure being moderately happy some of the time is better than being alone all of the time.

i find myself seeking friendships on the internet. not romantic, per se. certainly not physical or sexual, short of a little flirting. it's to fill that void, plug the hole where the happiness slowly continues to seep out of my marriage. somehow having someone else there for intellectual stimulation, a shoulder when i am at wits end here, someone to laugh with at the ridiculous or cry with when it all goes to shit.

i want a relationship that completes me enough that i never feel the desire to seek that extra bit on the side. i don't know if such a thing even exists.


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/11/2005 10:49 am

    Quoting rm_valleyrat4:
    Juliet

    I know you said it was emotional immaturity in one of your previous posts but I still stand by my first impression. He's not emotionally available although I feel it's because he's not capable.
valley -

you very well may be correct. you certainly can look at it far more objectively than i can. he cares for me - loves me - with enthusiasm and abandon. i don't doubt that he thinks i'm the greatest thing in his life. he just has no idea how to treat a woman. i should have examined his track record in the past, saw how many relationships he was in, how brief they all were, and considered what that meant regarding his ... well, perhaps you say it best ... his emotional availability. or whatever it is that makes him such a selfish prick. and if we ever do split, that will be the hard part. we are not equally invested in this relationship. i would, at this point, be able to walk away with relative ease. whereas it would rock his world if i were to leave him. it would be messy, ugly. but is that a reason to continue the charade? i don't know. i just keep going, taking it one day at a time. maybe one morning i'll wake up and the answer will finally be clear to me.


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/11/2005 10:54 am

    Quoting sport1357:
    Juliet
    You deserve better than this. You are clearly articulate, intellectual and fun. The key here is respect and it seems totally absent. Sounds like you need a fresh start. I know that's easy to say and painful in the short term, but I'm sure you'll find long term happiness and emotional fulfillment with a new beginning.
    Good luck - thinking of you.
sport -

thank you for sharing your thoughts. the idea of a fresh start is a tantalizing one. and a terrifying one, too. my comments to some of the others above explain better many of my fears and uncertainties. posting here, expressing myself has helped me gain a bit of perspective. hopefully i'll straighten out what i really want one of these days. sigh. and then i'll just need to find the guts to make it happen. thank you for thinking of me.


julietofverona 44M/44F
67 posts
12/11/2005 4:12 pm

    Quoting rm_valleyrat4:
    I lived in a one way relationship for 11 years. I lived the lie and stuck around for the kids until the yourgest was almost 9. I then left and am so happy. No bump in the road for the kids to speak of. I should have done it so much sooner.

    Someday you'll also get tired of living the lie and that's when it will occur to you to get out while you still remember what happiness is. While you still have your health and youth.
valley -

it's easy - well, for me anyway - to look at the situation and just accept it for what it is, shrug it off and figure that everything sorta just balances out in the long run. i don't have anyone close that i discuss these issues with. this is the first real place i've allowed myself to say these things aloud. and as a result of that, the first time anyone has spoken out and said things that echo things i myself have thought. it's both a little frightening and a little reassuring to hear these things. i need to hear it, though. so thank you - to you, and to everyone else.


Become a member to create a blog