|Blogs > julietofverona > poem at the heart of the world|
Alright... continuing the message I began yesterday -- let's see if I can restore my train of thought and pick up where I left off.
[If you haven't read yesterday's entry, I'd advise doing so first.]
Ah yes, I was talking about the friend who helped me through the ordeal of ending the relationship I had with the 'third,' the friend who helped me as I worked through the most difficult days as my husband and I deliberated whether or not we would continue our marriage. I'll call him "J."
So J and I have been friends for well over two years now. A friendship that sort of comes and goes. He'd turn up at work from time to time just to say hello. We'd chat online every now and then. Phone calls were no longer an option as my husband moved back home shortly after the blow out mentioned in my last entry.
So J has popped back up again. It's been several months since I last talked to him. He said he stopped by my place of work to say hello and discovered I wasn't there anymore. So he tracked me down and we've been talking, catching up. He tells me he's never forgotten that moment we shared in his car, that the kiss has haunted him. He misses me, misses our friendship, and that something brought me to mind recently and he hasn't been able to get me out of his head since.
Oh, I know it's all flattery ... you men, you're so smooth. You always seem to know what angle to take... and god in heaven above - to know that this man ... this successful doctor who - truly - i swear to god - is so beautiful from head to toe that he could model ... this man who could have any woman in the world if he set his mind on it -- he wants me, me and all of my curious imperfections.
Flattery it may be ... and flattering it is. I just sit here dumbfounded by it. By his begging, his persistence, his desire, his willingness to do anything I ask. Not that I've asked anything of him... But anyway. I jokingly told him that the only way he'd ever see me is if he joined me and my husband, both. I figured that would steer him away. Instead, he told me that if that was the only way, he'd be willing to do it.
Okay, so this is when I get stupid. Husband and I are fooling around and he starts talking threesome again, and I remind him, again, that he needs to get over that. That we're not going to interrupt the life of our old friend, that I don't want to unearth whatever feelings might come to the surface if we dared. So instead he starts talking about finding someone new. And I'm at a point in the fooling around process where I'm not thinking with a level head and I foolishly mention J, that I have a friend that I know would be willing. Well that's all he needs - someone I'd be willing to fool around with - and he's all fired up and ready to make plans.
So now I've got the two of them... they've never talked to one another ... but each knows that the other would be willing to comply. My husband is all fired up at the thought. His kink is that he likes seeing me with someone else. It's not any sort of M-M thing that he's into. It's just some f*d up turnon of his, watching another man touch me, watching me pleasure another man. And then there's J who almost daily is asking where my head is, what i've decided, if I want him, if I'm willing.
And me ... I know I can't do it. I can't imagine it. No, let me take that back. OH LORD have I imagined it ... but I can't see it actually happening. For one thing, I just can't imagine those two worlds colliding. This freaking hot, tantalizingly educated, hard bodied creature and my soft, pale, geeky husband in the same room? The universe would cease to exist. And if I could have this man at my mercy ... would I want my husband watching? I think not.
So ... of course I could see him on my own. But that's deceit. And no matter how happy or unhappy I am in my marriage, I don't want a lie of that magnitude lurking in the shadows. Oh, but it's tempting. Even just to see eachother again, to meet and kiss...
But I'm a smart girl. A responsible girl. I can't imagine the one scenario happening. I can't allow the other scenario to happen. Instead, I'll just marvel at the fact it that the possibility even existed. I'll look at the photo he gave me of him on the beach on his surfing trip to the bahamas and imagine what it would be to trace every contour with my fingertip, to fill every hollow with my tongue. I'll marvel that this magnificent man wanted me... plain ol mixed up me.
I'll savor the gift of being wanted. And ... I'll stay out of trouble.
1/19/2006 6:55 pm
your conundrum rings some big ol' bells in my world, juliet. i sympathize, and empathize...|
my problem is a little different, but it comes out the same in the end - can i live with a lie that big?
what it really comes down to is, if i keep the queen happy, then i'm unhappy; if i make myself happy, then she's unhappy...
and i wonder if staying out of trouble is worth it...
1/25/2006 5:02 pm
What to do, what to do...either way it sucks. I guess only you can decide. But at "what cost"....ya know. Once you determine the value of your choice....then you'll know what to do.|