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Sometimes I Hate Life
Sometimes I Hate Life
I posted this today on my regular online journal type thing. Thought I'd post it here, too; so that people see why I'm about to disappear for a few days.
I am depressed. I know that I am. It's the typical birthday depression I get Every. Single Year. and yet its not at the same time. This time last year, I thought I was happy. This time, one year ago... I was in a relationship with someone that I thought I loved more than my very life. I thought I had a future. I thought that I had a family of my own. I thought -
Doesn't really matter what I thought. I was wrong, in the end. I didn't have someone that loved me. Not the way I thought he did. Oh, almost a year later, I can admit that maybe "The Ex" still loves me... but it isn't the deep, romantic love that I wanted it to be. Otherwise, we'd still be together. Doesn't change my abject disappointment with the world at large and how my future now looks so v.v.v.v. bleak. Seven years meant nothing to him, but it meant the world to me.
Yeah, I know I'm being overly dramatic. It happens sometimes.
I wanted to be married before I was 30. I wanted to be already through having kids by the time I was 30. I wanted a house, a yard and all those things. I'm not belittling people that didn't do those things by 30. I'm not saying that not having done them is a bad thing. But its what **I** wanted.
Well, I've got 4 years left for that... and I'm pretty damn sure I can't let me heart go enough to let anyone in like that. Not now. Maybe not ever again. Sure, this feeling might - and probably will - change. But right now it feels like a forever kind of thing. A bad kind of thing. How can I ever let my heart go when there are no guarantees? How can I give my heart to someone and trust that they won't take it, act like they want it, and then break it the second I turn my back?
Easier to have flings that mean nothing. Easier to not get close. To not care. To just go through the motions of living and experiencing pleasure and not wonder for one second if the person actually cares about **me**. Much easier to assume they don't and not let myself care in return. A few passionate moments, feeling like I'm alive and not broken, and then run out the door when its over with a bright smile that says 'see, it meant nothing to me, too'. Not bother to stay to talk. Easier. Can't talk. Can't let myself get attached. Do I want new friends or just people that think I'm pretty? I don't know. I honestly don't know. Friends can hurt you just as bad as boyfriends. Friends can make you want to cry just as much as a long-term love.
And maybe I'm waxing poetic about all of this, thinking too hard, because I stopped taking my Effexor almost a week ago. It was hell for the first few days. The withdrawal was nasty. It was most likely a mistake to just go cold-turkey like that. I'm dealing with more emotions now than I've had to deal with since August of last year. I didn't realize how much I was **not** feeling for all this time. Pain. Anger. Sadness. Happiness. Pleasure. Everything. I feel so much more intensely without those damned pills blocking half of it. But was taking myself off of them the best course of action? Dunno. Might not be, in the long term. But at least I feel alive.
Five days until I turn 26. Five days until I can say that I survived another year on this miserable excuse for a planet, surrounded by the general idiocy of the human race. And that, I suppose, is still something.
6/7/2006 3:05 pm
Oh hun - I feel for you. Please don't seek solace in more bangs for your buck - you'll end up feeling like a piece of meat or worse. That was my option a few years back - I was older than you are now, but I felt the same (except for the kids thing). I did the same thing and ended up feeling like I was being passed from pillar to post - and ended up worse than when I started.|
Take time out for YOU. You've been through a bad time - forget about men and your timelines. Get some hobbies and meet proper people - put "romance and sex" on the back burner.
HAve gitls nights out, have a holiday - do something you've always wanted to do but couldn't because the ex wouldn't let you.
Most of all, please see a doctor. I know a lot of people disagree, but after meeting someone last year from here that nearly destroyed my life, they really helped. Took a while for them to kick in, but they lifted my mood to the point where I felt normal and was able to motivate myself again. Once I thought I was worth more than some asshole that lied to me rather than have the courage to tell the truth, things started to come together. I had more problems than just a useless man - I'd lost my job and if it hadn't been for my parents helping me out, I may also have lost my home because although I was working, I wasn't earning the same money.
I took the pills for about 6 weeks - that was enough to get my ass into gear again and start to look after me and care about me.
Once you get your head round that, you'll attract the sort of guys that YOU want to spend time with, however long that is.
Please please take care and I hope your time out is used wisely.
[B]HUGS TO YOU
6/7/2006 6:12 pm
hmmm... it's never nice to witness someone suffer such a depression. i'm sorry that life isn't all you dreamed of, but it will get better. it might even blossom into what you hold as your most cherished dreams. however, it can't if you don't give it the opportunity.|
don't lower your standards, but at the same time try not to let past let downs block out your potential for happiness. things tend to work out if one stays positive and keeps trying. i hope you get what you want. good luck and best wishes.
6/8/2006 4:17 pm
send the pain below, it's much like sufficating|
time heels all wounds, it always does....
Happiness is like chasing a butterfly which eludes you. Its only when you chasing it in haste, that it will softly land on your shoulder