"My God, What Have I Done?" (Letting the days go by...)  

jj3241 61M
0 posts
5/29/2006 11:21 am
"My God, What Have I Done?" (Letting the days go by...)

Hello there. I'm not sure if anything will come of this, but I'm going to try.

Given the tenor of this site and the blogs I've looked at, I'm in a definite minority here. I've never really been in a relationship and have rarely had sex in my life, a pretty shabby state for a 51-year-old man.
Now some people wouldn't mind that. Some get along very well without any passion in their lives. Not me. I hate what's happened to me. So why did it happen you ask? A lot of reasons. Low self-esteem going back to childhood, an ever present fear of letting people into my life, awkwardness in talking about anything intimate. The upshot is I've fucked up badly.

Then too I've looked at myself enough over the years to know I'm not exactly Mr. Normal in these areas. I've experimented with BDSM and know that I'm very fond of being submissive, of having a dominatrix tie me up, whip me, and order me around. I've got a fascination with sex workers, like strippers, escorts and porn actresses, not just sexual feelings, but actual admiration for their choice (in a lot of cases) to live a lifestyle so away from normal society. I also fantasize about sex with a male-female couple or a pre-op transsexual.

There are informal groups of people exploring different alternative sexualities here in Washington, DC where I live and I've been seeing some people who are involved in tantra and also gone to meetings of the local BDSM group but I haven't broken out of my shell on the periphery yet. Since I don't have a partner or much experience it's hard for me to really participate in any conversations.

It also doesn't help that my life outside of those meetings is Desolation Row. I don't have any close friends to talk to, my job is drab, my current boss is always a threat to emasculate me on a daily basis. I've immersed myself in music and movies to Super Geek levels but those things are no substitute for having real, living, warm-blooded people in my life.

So why am I here? This is one place where people admit they have genitals and that they enjoy using them. This is a place where people show the desires and passions that have been bottled up inside me so long I'm not sure if they're still there. In other words I feel at home here. Maybe hanging out here in addition to the meetings I'm going to will make something happen.

And I promise that after this initial post I'll try to keep the whining to a bare minimum.

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