Where did I go? Okay....I got stupid...  

jim5131 55M
529 posts
2/4/2006 2:56 pm

Last Read:
1/3/2016 6:34 pm

Where did I go? Okay....I got stupid...

(Warning....long post)

It takes a while to get back into virtual life after too much of the RealThing. I've gotten several emails from friends that wanted to know what's happened to me...I wanted all to know that it's been a real emotional three months.

...and it's all about women, of course. I drove to Kena's house in Houston with all of her stuff...gave her another 'talk'...I think she Gets It. Got It?

Melanie and I are still friends and staying that way. She's not leaving Dallas. I'm not leaving Austin. Makes it easy to stay friends.

Kay is in Florida. Makes it easier.

Now I've got another formerGirfriend, Shay, in the picture. Unhappily married. Lovely girl. Wanted to marry her after in `98..she couldn't commit. Moved on after a year of trying. She found herself pregnant from her roommate's brother, and...that is that. We email several times a week and keep things light.

And there's Jacquilyn. The one I love the most and trust the least.

Jacquilyn and I started up again in November... lunches and dinners, long conversations over coffee and cheesecake at midnight. Talk of hopes and dreams, lost hopes and lost dreams. God and faith. Forgiving and moving on. There were Montero oil changes, tire rotations and new brakes. To the wayside fell gym workouts and low carb diets. And blogging. Focus started on the long term. She still had two other guys she spoke to periodically, but I was the Guy in her life. Her ExHubster was an annoyance.

November was a blur. Great lovemaking. Great weekends. As it should be. Life was real. Work was hyperactive. Money flowed.

November became December. Several clients had adjusters on vacation, and I picked up the slack. Happily. I bought Christmas ornaments, the tree and presents for her and the three children. We would go grocery shopping at midnight until 3am. I would help her prepare the meals she took to her HepC brother and 85-year old mother. It might've been the best month of my life. Purpose. Hope. Beautiful once again.

We agreed on no sex. That was going to be one of our own private rewards for waiting. The one thing we looked forward to that unmarried lovers often take for granted.

For Christmas, Son1 got Money, of course. What else do you get a college kid with a love of life and no particular needs? Son2 got an Ibanez electric guitar, just to drive FormerMrs crazy...just kidding. He's got a gift I feel the need to nurture. She and I agree on that...

After Church on Christmas I called her..(we were still going to different churches): Threadgills' was one of the few good restaurants in town open...I hadn't seen her kids since April or so...we agreed to meet. I was a little hesitant...she had not been telling them about seeing me up to that point. It was mid-October when she booted out the ExHubster. (He never lifted a finger to help around the house, no errands, no help getting kids to school or music lessons..he DID go out, come in at midnight or 2am. She missed trips on his Harley, but hated the guys he hung out with. Finally came to the end, when she realized he was who he always was).
Her kids and I had great conversation. On the way back, they asked her about marriage...I was flattered. They saw the difference much more clearly: between being around a great guy that loved their Mom....and an emotional couch potato that always made her cry.

December. Every day...golden. Long hours at work, but now with a purpose. Phone calls throughout the day. Saturday morning surprise visits, cuddling, migas for breakfast, errands with the lady. Love it....Looooove it. Like falling in love all over again. I had put this house buying on hold: I might be looking for a much larger house, instead of stepping into a smaller townhouse. We talked about futures. What bills to target. What part of town to look in. What to do with her job. What kinds of cars to buy. What kinds of DOGS in the yard. I feel the concrete hardening beneath my feet. It's coming back. The distrust is fading. The love is as strong as it's ever been.

New Years' was at Antone's with Bob Schneider. Perfect night. Tumbled into bed at 4am. No sex. Cuddled. Slept until 9am. Missed church.

Everything changed Jan7.

Saturday she stopped by in the morning. Post office. Bank. Breakfast. Picked up Son2 at FormerMrs. Went to the shop to work on his Camaro. She had errands.Hug. Kiss. See you tonight...

I called her that evening after taking him back to the Moms'. No answer. I called again next day after church. No answer. She called back late that evening, annoyed.

Her ExHubster was almost killed Saturday afternoon when he overshot a curve on his Harley. Serious injuries. Ribs. Neck fracture. Skull fracture. Punctured lungs. Crushed larynx. Knee fracture. He was StarFlighted to a local hospital. She found out shortly after it happened. She had been by his side since.

I told her to do what was important to her and the kids. I will back out...we will talk later.

She stayed with him, leaving only to change clothes and shower, for over three weeks. We spoke three times. On the second conversation, I understood her anguish and read her tone. I know that she still loves this guy...this fat, balding, abusive, self-centered crybaby...I will bow out of this relationship. There is no room for me, as a relative newcomer in her life, and the father of her children, the man that left her penniless with his children over a dozen times for months at a time in their fifteen years of marriage. She had always taken him back.

I realized that this cycle wasn't going to end because I was in the picture. The problem was not just him. The problem was her. She might love me for the way I love and treat her. But she loves this guy because that's the kind of man she has to have. It's not in my nature to abuse a woman. She and I are not compatible.

As he healed, she used the power of attorney he had given her to sell her house while he was in Stugis. His 2nd ExWife, his parents and his friends were against her being there. There was no one to run his business or tend to his personal affairs. She kept things afloat. He kept family and friends away through her, and she bore the brunt of their frustrations. She was his voice when he couldn't speak. Ever the attentive wife.

I took their daughter to the hospital one Saturday. We had a great conversation..I spoke of the near-impossibility for people to change their personality..that is usually takes a catastrophic personal event. A drug or alcohol addiction. A prison term. A military tour of duty. A near-death experience. A re-evaluation of one's own character. I love and miss that young girl. I never had a daughter and was looking forward to addig her to my family. I apologized for the way I acted earlier in the year at a relative's wedding, when I felt I was being showboated by Jacquilyn after our relationship had already waned. She was touched. She was familiar with her father being a jerk and had never heard him apologize for it. It was a pivotal moment in our own relationship. I spoke about my prayers for him and their family...that he would use this event to realize a necessary change into the man his children needed. And Jacquilyn needed.

Jacquilyn and I spoke once after he was out of Intensive Care. A good conversation. She relayed the same comments about a change of life. Hope.

I visited the hospital once after praying for a sign to proceed...and got it in a form of an unexpected call from Jacquilyn as I was getting out of the car. Amazing. We spoke for over an hour in the waiting room. He was gaining his strength. And attitude. He hadn't changed.

I urged her to keep her faith, that any distrust would be noticed and exploited. I made an analogy to a fact I didn't share before: I had never been afraid of dogs. I used to look at damaged cars in people's driveways and get confronted by growling dogs. I had 100% confidence that I was bigger and meaner than any dog ...and they dogs always backed down. Until I was attacked by a 130 lb mastiff. Now...I have a 5% flash of fear whenever a dog approaches, growling. They sense that fear and exploit it.

The only way to go into a relationship is to expect success. One Hundred Percent.

Any hint of possible failure results in a spiraling downward trend.

She lost faith in him. He started treating her like shit again. Barking orders. Whining. Condescending. She took him back to his house when he was released: next door to his 2nd ExWife. She began calling me again. Regularly. I sensed a problem...she was still talking about how much she loved this guy...we had dinner once. I filled up and washed her Montero. I thought things might go back to December...

She had missed a month of work. Her apartment was in shambles. Clothes and dishes piled up. I took the day off from work yesterday and dropped by unannounced. She was getting ready for a dentist appointment..I spent the next five hours doing laundry, cleaning her kitchen, bedroom, living room and bathroom...and was half finished when she had to pick up her son from school. I went back to the office. She called around 8pm..wanting to go to dinner. I met her at the shop, washed and filled up her Montero & we had dinner...she kept talking about how much she still loved this guy. On and On....

Something snapped. I could not leave her fast enough. This relationship is what it is.

I took her back to my car and asked her not to call me or come by again. Enough is enough. I dislike being trifled with, but in the context of great hope it is but a small inconvenience.

Now I have lost the hope. I will not watch her put herself through this again.

She called earlier today...trying to explain more. Complaining that his 2nd ExWife slept with him the night before and she is hurt.

I'm Sorry. You're Sorry. We're All Sorry.

You don't love me. You love the way I treat you. You hate the way he treats you. You love him for who he is. Goodbye.

....and I'm moving on...

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/5/2006 11:11 pm

Hi SexyFit...good to see you again and thanks for the reply.

....we all have a point when we achieve, as the alcoholics refer to, a moment of clarity. The past matches the current events and the pieces fall into place. Time to make that obvious decision...


rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
2/6/2006 1:35 am

hi Jim...Welcome back to the blog world... the foundation of love is trust...without it love cannot survive. Love is not blind...God is the God of love, theres no way He will let us be blinded by love and let that love hurt us. May you find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. Jim open your eyes ...the world is still full of beautiful people and hopeful beginnings.

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

rm_sexypinay16 44F
311 posts
2/6/2006 1:37 am

LEt Go...Let live..let God..

Love..Faith ..and Hope..

curious082385 31F
4925 posts
2/6/2006 4:45 am

Just breathe, my friend, and trust that at the right moment, the right woman will appear. Love comes at the most unexpected times.
*hugs* I'm sorry that things have not been going the way you wnated them to.

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/6/2006 7:48 am

Hi Pinay...I'm so glad to see your name in my comments again. Thanks for the GoodWord. I trusted Him in all of this and it's made me a better person. You are such a sweetheart...I thought of you very often, praying all was okay..so good to see you again.

Hi Curious...good to see you, too. The funny thing about love coming at unexpected times is that...well, this is exactly how she and I met..I wasn't looking when I found her back in `03..but I don't regret anything. She brought me back to my faith and taught several good lessons at a time when I thought I didn't need anyone.

..and I'm so happy for you...

papyrina 50F
21133 posts
2/6/2006 9:16 am

welcome back
happy to see you again but not happy why you have been through so much in the last few months and deserve so much better,hugs

I'm a

i'm here to stay

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/6/2006 2:57 pm

Hi Paps...you're another I REALLY missed. My little bloghome is full of beautiful women, dropping in to visit. I'm honored...

...I've got a lot to do...virtual newspapers stacking up in the virtual driveway..need to virtually mow the bloghouse lawn...sweep out some cobwebs and visit the neighbors....

...so much work to do when you come back from vacation, isn't it?

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/7/2006 9:23 am

Hi Katya...

I've done a strange thing in the past three years that (as a once-practicing Catholic) have never done: I've prayed for, expected, and received signs. Signs. Deliberate and unquestionable. No doubt. No coincidence. Usually within minutres of the need. I used to think all that was poppycock (..theres an old word) until I started seeing them...are realizing them. Very strange feelings..

The directions were clear enough that I still think that it'll happen, but not at the time of my choosing. I have no recourse but to move on. If it happens later, it happens.

We learned in the military, training exercises that feel real are as good as the experience of the 'real' thing..makes the 'real' thing more manageable. If this was just a lesson I can accept that..

...thanxx for stopping in. I was just getting the front walkway swept when you appeared...virtually.

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/7/2006 9:26 am

Hey BG! Good to see you again! I need to get by your site and check up on your life...hope all is doing okay..

...so glad you stopped in.

rm_drunkagain66 50F
11 posts
2/7/2006 8:47 pm

Why do such bad things happen to such wonderful people - You not Her?? Please, please, please spend time with your boys and hope that someday she will realize what she passed up!! Hopefully by then you are blissfully happy with someone who will treat you right.

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/8/2006 9:47 pm

Hey D.....I'm doing that..I can only bang my head against the wall so long before I realize it hurts...

...good to see you again...I need to spend some time in you 'lil blog, too..

_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

2/9/2006 4:04 am

*knuffels and liefs*


jim5131 55M
1296 posts
2/9/2006 6:29 am

Hi CnC...so good to see you again. We'll need to get together over a strudel and a nice cuppa Kenyan...

_CoffeeNoCream_ 52F

2/11/2006 2:19 am

sounds like a great idea...

YachtTitusLeers 58F

2/21/2006 5:41 pm

Having been in an abusive relationship, I know how she feels. Abusive men do have glimmers of moments when there is a person you really like showing through. In those moments you think you can reach that person and everything will be fine. But alas, it is not they forget the moment and go on. Hopefully at some point she will wake up. I did not like being in an abusive relationship. I just loved the man I knew he could be. I pray that she wakes up one day. It might be when a sheriff tells her as one told me... that you need to leave, and you need to leave now.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart and not your brain. Mark Twain
Man of my dreams....

rm_Network_Minx 47F
542 posts
12/16/2006 9:27 pm

Hey I am back too.


rm_Network_Minx 47F
542 posts
12/19/2006 2:18 am

I am sorry she broke your heart again. It's the dream we have to give up that hurts the most.


Busty4U2 62F

1/21/2008 11:12 am

Hello there. I just finished reading all about what you went thru with her and may I say that you are one in a million. Forgive me for saying this but a woman that allows a man to treat herself the way that he treats her sets herself up for failure. A woman that allows herself to stay in a relationship like that deserves what she gets. You sound like a very good man that gave her your all but she didn't realize what a good man she had. I am sorry but I don't have a lot of sympathy for a woman that stays in a relationship that is always on the way down and that brings you down. I am very sorry that you got hurt in the process. You don't deserve someone like her. You deserve a woman that will love you as much as you will love her. One that will also appreciate the things you do for her and want to do things for you as well. Love is a two way street and should not be given one way.

jim5131 55M
1296 posts
1/26/2008 12:41 pm

hi Busty....thanxx for the reply...and it gets worse. This post is actually from 2006(!?)...so much has happened since then, I'll cover it in a blog soon.

thanxx for dropping in...

Become a member to create a blog