Aloneness...................  

jessie2107 47F
51 posts
8/31/2005 7:56 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Aloneness...................


Do you ever feel that incredible sence of *aloneness*? It's that empty feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach, that feeling like you are completely left out in the cold, even when you are in a room of friends that love you? Do you ever feel that that feeling will never go away? That if there was just one person out there that could understand you a little bit that things would be ok?

Sometimes I lay awake at night in my husbands arms listening to him breathe. My head on his chest and the warmth of his breath in my hair, and I am the most lonely person in the world at that moment. I am not lonely because I am alone or because he doesn't love me, I am alone because my heart aches from the pain I cannot get past that I feel noone else understands. I lay and look into his face and I try to get the courage to wake him and tell him everything, but, for me it is impossible. I want him to understand me like noone else does but I am afraid. Afraid he will leave and find someone better and prettier. Afraid he will see me as tainted. Afraid that he will change his love for me into something sordid and use it against me later on. Now, this man, the love of my life, is not at all like this and I know it, but my fears in the dark make me believe it. My fears control me. My fears keep me in lonliness.

I feel that all of my suffering is reflected in my face and that people can see it in a glance. Even those that don't know me and never will. I walk with my head down, watching my feet. I slouch and try not to make eye contact with those around me. I feel the tears that well up in my eyes and attempt to hide them with anger. It's better to be angry than sad, am I right? I fall into extended silence of regret for allowing myself to have been treated the way I have been. To "accept my fate" and live with it.

Am I such a horrible person in my heart that I will be destined to feel this aloneness forever? Am I the only one that feels this way? Will I ever recover? I guess only time will tell. Will I be given that time? Only God knows.

sinenomine572 64M
11 posts
9/1/2005 4:43 am

JESSIE -- just remember who you are, and why we love you so much, and what you mean to so many people. And know for a sure and certain fact that you are never standing alone, and that you can call us at any time -- just as we so often are calling you to borrow from your strength.

This would not be happening, and you would not be suffering so much self-doubt and emotional agony, if you were not such a truly womderful woman.


jessie2107 47F
11 posts
9/1/2005 7:41 am

Sine, Thank you so much. I will try and remember that. Mustang tells me so often that I am not alone, but my heart still aches and I feel as though I am. Maybe it's how my past makes me feel, I don't know but with friends like you I am sure to learn quickly how NOT alone I truely am *hugs*


hardboy4u2handle 48M

9/18/2005 9:22 pm

Wow been there and decided to leave the relationship its better for you and if kids are involved its better for them as they see a loveless relationship can have a damadging affect on them.
Well its been a while for me and im having some fun for a change no shortage of friends and love for me...


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