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Well, I must say that this Mothers Day is quite special for me this year. My baby has decided to come back home and be with her mother.
Its funny the relationship of mother and daughter, I am viewing angles I never quite understood. Will I ever fully understand this wonderful and not so wonderful love that exists not only between mother and daughter but of mother and child?
Is my love for each child the same, if it was at all possible to measure? Why do I feel more connected with one child than the other? Is it the age of there birth and my own maturity? Is it that I breast fed one and not the other, the younger not the older? Is it that one is Capricorn, the other libra, and I a leo? Maybe it was the love I shared with their fathers?
I still have a huge fear of being a mother, and until I am done going through menopause! I pray God does not forget my mistakes and regrets! I although believe I try to be the best mother I can be, I am not worthy of motherhood! If I knew as much about myself before I took the title of Mom, I would never have subjected my children to me at the time I did.
At 18 I knew everything, but quickly learned I knew absolutely nothing! I believe I had good intentions, I was a lot more moral in those days, or maybe just naive. I really had a hard time finding or even to think there was bad in people close to me. I am thinking now maybe this is a subject for me to look into further now.
You see I have this belief of the "grey area", and I am thinking that is what I did with those close to me. For example: My uncle sexually abused me. I have grey areas for this subject, like; it was my fault. I must have wanted it to happen, cause I never told. He only did it cause he loved me. He didn't mean to do it. He didn't understand what he was doing and how wrong it was. He is sorry, and going through his own pain from his childhood and now of his own action. He hurts more than me. Somehow it was what was intended, I just have to find all the positive and put the pieces together.
Why did God give me the gift of motherhood? If it is to help me learn about a great love with such purity and unbelievable feeling of unconditional acceptance.
I am constantly feeling the urge to hold her in my arms as I did when she was a baby. I resist in giving way to this as she is 15 and although pure in thought, just weird! I really do miss cuddling her while watching tv., and napping! I love this young lady that I am getting to know, and like as well as love, but I really miss my baby!