Thoughts on insecurity  

islandgirlhippy2 61M/58F
2 posts
5/30/2005 8:57 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Thoughts on insecurity

From about 2 months ago: (an update is at the bottom)
Lately I have had to take a step back and work on a few issues. Am I the only one in this Lifestyle that has so many insecurities?! I strongly doubt it, I just wear mine on my sleeve more than some. I love the path we have chosen. It is totally a choice. But, there are times when I sense that these new found insecurities are overwhelming me. Eventually they pass and then I am fine again. It takes me back to jr high and high school. I find myself thinking thoughts like "gee, do they, or does he or she like me?" or "will he or she or they call again" feels just like I am experiencing my teen years all over again. I was so sure of my hubby's love and desire for me that I think I took it for granted. So, when plunging forward I was caught unaware, my feelings sometimes get the better of me. I over analyze and forget to "have fun". Yes, there will be people that don't find me appealing and yes, I will be disappointed at times, but if I learn from it then I can only move forward. I do have to say that the insecurity is around my appeal to others is slowly diminishing. I am realizing more and more that it is how I look at myself and whatever I am feeling will come through. If I feel desirable then there is more likely-hood of being so. Now, when I feel an urge to dwell on my more negective thoughts I will close my eyes for a moment and concentrate on an experience I had with my hubby or a lover and remember how desirable I felt at that moment. They only doubt me when my insecurities come out and esp if I am dwelling on them. I have to remember that...the more I think about it...yes the more undesirable I am for a potential playmate.

The above was written a couple of months ago and here is todays (5/29) note:
Something happened two weeks ago in an encounter. I felt the bondage of self-doubt fall away. It wasn't anything anyone else did. It was from deep inside of me. There is so much healing that can take place in this Lifestyle if I embrace it. I don't even know how and why it happened. I am just going with it and I really having alot of fun now, when given the chance . I will deal with insecurities as they come but I really feel that I have found a freedom that I wasn't expecting so soon.

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