Standing Upon the Precipice  

intierzha 43M
311 posts
9/4/2006 5:41 pm

Last Read:
1/2/2007 12:44 pm

Standing Upon the Precipice


AnimeFest is over and done, though we still need to finish unloading our stuff from the vehicles; however, it's been raining here since we've been back, soooo... might get to that tomorrow, and need to send off a few items to customers as well. Overall, we did really well considering Friday was terribly slow. The rest of the weekend and today made up for it. Yay, it means I can eat this week, lol. Seriously, it does allow me to catch up with some bills, especially the high electricity bills we've had to endure down here this summer. The irony of it is, this next week it is not supposed to get above 90, and then another cold front is supposed to hit over the weekend. A welcome reprieve, I can assure you. Plus, North Texas is in its worst drought since the Dust Bowl, (not to mention the rest of Texas), so the rain we have been getting is great, even if it is delaying me a little.

Anyway, to the heart of the post. Over the past few weeks, I have been debating and watching the world slip by as it usually does. I have complained about being able to have a stance, but not taking a stand for what is good and/or right (which sometimes are mutually exclusive of each other). I have written, perhaps even passionately, about what ails me, what drives me and what I lack as a person. And I have found I like what drives me and am upset at my failings. But should not any right thinking person be upset? One would like to say it is true. I have been struggling with how this feels to me, and how to describe it. I am sure much of the emotion is apparent in my words, but the image is different for everyone. And after the trauma of last night (a nightmare I really cannot describe, but it had all the makings of an incident past I would not want anyone to experience... and I certainly do not want to endure it twice), I see the images clearly, all too clearly. I feel edge of darkness surrounding me and I am so close to that terrible abyss once again. The difficulty in describing the experience is vexing, though for any of you that have read the entry 'Fragments of Missing Time', you might understand some. I am standing upon the precipice and see two ends, the only question is where do I fall?

I think I know, as the question is more or less rhetorical, lol. I will not let myself be taken by that horror once more, so I must steel my heart from the consequences. My inaction, my inability to seek what I need has caused the internal regression, and I will have none of it. I have always been a person interested in the higher mysteries, one who was always on the edge of being a true seeker of knowledge, of spirituality, of truth. I have always known the calling of my heart and soul, but a lot of cynicism, pragmatism, and attachment have shielded my from my quest to understand this singular mystery... strange that this may have been what I was being told all along.

In an episode of Babylon 5, Kosh (an enigmatic higher being called a Vorlon) tells Captain Sheridan (played by Bruce Boxleitner) that he does not understand... but he will. I always thought that it was nice foreshadowing and a good plot device. As a truism, well... I should have known. I do understand. Now, do I go ahead and jump?

C.

BaronessK 52F

9/5/2006 4:30 am

Toward or Away would be the question, hun; the other is not really a choice, just an indicator.


akron42   
2375 posts
9/6/2006 7:02 pm

The sense of danger must not disappear:
The way is certainly both short and steep,
However gradual it looks from here;
Look if you like, but you will have to leap
W.H.Auden
C, just make sure before you choose a direction. I understand the ambivalence you feel, and your need to resolve it. I don't have any easy answers, but I'm always here to listen.


intierzha 43M

9/6/2006 8:28 pm

    Quoting BaronessK:
    Toward or Away would be the question, hun; the other is not really a choice, just an indicator.
Maybe toward then... and sometimes one has no choice, lol.

C.


intierzha 43M

9/6/2006 8:29 pm

    Quoting akron42:
    The sense of danger must not disappear:
    The way is certainly both short and steep,
    However gradual it looks from here;
    Look if you like, but you will have to leap
    W.H.Auden
    C, just make sure before you choose a direction. I understand the ambivalence you feel, and your need to resolve it. I don't have any easy answers, but I'm always here to listen.
I appreciate that, and I will try to look before I leap, and I definitely know the tragedy of ambivalence. I will be sure, and I hope to resolve everything

C.


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