The Other Side  

impish_pixie 54F
2106 posts
2/4/2006 10:09 am

Last Read:
10/20/2014 2:55 pm

The Other Side

I don't know that I have the right to post this - I don't know if I've "paid my dues" in blogland long enough and frankly - I don't know if I'll have the courage to hit add once I'm done. This is not judgment, it is simply my story. I tried to go back to sleep and will it away because I'm not all that comfortable sharing it, but like a persistent mosquito - it will not go away until it's hunger is assuaged with a bit of blood.

I legally ran away from home at the age of seventeen by way of the US Navy. Escape from things I had been running from most of my childhood. Escape from things that I had kept secret out of fear, and escape from the fear that I would never leave my small town world and just end up pregnant and barefoot in some man's kitchen.

It is a sad fact that 1 out of 4 children will be molested by someone before they reach the age of 12. A family member, a family friend or a neighbor. A molesters best weapon against the child will be fear and shame. The ramifications of the abuse will resonate in every area of the child's life until, if ever, the child is strong enough to speak through the pain and shame and reclaim his/her life. Even then, though the scars will fade and lose their power, they will always be a part of the child's life.

I had just turned 18 when I met my future husband. Young and so very naive in the ways of "love" with a track record already of choosing the wrong man to entrust with my heart. Hindsight of course is 20/20 and so it would be easy for me to say now that the signs were always there, my "scar's" just prevented me from seeing them. We fell madly in lust with each other, and though I can't speak for him, in time my lust became my love. I overlooked the subtle cruel remarks, I overlooked the absolute control he demanded in my life, I overlooked the basic selfishness of his nature. I had given my heart and assumed that my love would be enough to overcome all obstacles. My love would change him, my love would teach him to love. Such arrogance I had to presume I could change someone else when I couldn't even change myself.

I became pregnant on our honeymoon. Yes...on my honeymoon - no question of that timing. Perhaps we would have stood a chance if we had more time together just being a couple - but when you throw parenthood into the mix right away it's either a make or break proposition. In the space of two years we had two children. Perhaps I became a mother and forgot how to be a wife; perhaps becoming a father twice over so quickly threatened that part of him that was so afraid of growing "old". Or perhaps it was just my experience in keeping my secrets of shame that when I found out about the first affair while I was pregnant with our second child that I just kept my mouth shut and learned to be thankful that at least I was not alone.

Over the next 15 years keeping my mouth shut, knowing my place, and being grateful for the "safety & false security" my marriage gave me became my pattern. He made me believe that I was crazy, that I had an overactive imagination and saw deceit where there was none. When that didn't work, he told me it was my fault, I was a great mother but a lousy wife, I was undesirable, I was unlovable, I was stupid and would be lost without him. Such were the scars left on me that I believed him and accepted it as something I deserved.

It was during our 15th year that he turned 40. Forty terrified him, in his mind it meant his life was over, at which point I guess he decided that he better attempt to make something good out of what he had because his "wandering" days were over. This was his belief. For the first time we actually became a couple. We laughed and played like real couples do and I fell head over heels in love with him again. Head over heels into that false sense of security. Everything was perfect. I should have known better, for it is when things are the most perfect that they are really the most flawed. Perfection does not exist.

Valentines Day, 1998. My husband brought me a dozen red roses. It scared the shit out of me. Not once in 15 years and two children had he gifted me with flowers. It made me nervous. It made my "oh shit" radar go straight up. Three days later I found his love affair on our computer. Three days later I found him with my 23 yr old friend. Three days later he held her in his arms as I was handcuffed and pushed into the back of a police car in a mostly catatonic state. Three days later he left the painful job of telling our kids how he had betrayed us up to me because he didn't want to face them. Three days later I stood in the ashes of my life a completely shattered and broken woman.

The worst part of living through such a betrayal is the blame game that you play with yourself and that others feel the need to help you understand. As if. I don't know how it feels for men, can't speak to that....but I can tell you that for a woman it is devastating to your whole being. You begin to believe his lies about how if you had only been more of a woman then he wouldn't have needed to stray, you begin to believe that you're not desirable, you're not lovable and the very core of your self worth and sexual worth is chiseled down to nothing. You want to know why? You want to know what she gave that you didn't? You want to know in what ways was she better than you. The funny thing is...you never question what was wrong with HIM.

It's not until later when you've walked through the stages of grief, when you've done your self searching, when you've opened the doors in your mind that you've carefully kept closed for years that you realize it really "wasn't" about YOU. It was about him. It was about his feelings of inadequacy, his feelings of self-worth, and his need to prove to himself that he's desirable and worthy of love.

We were both victims - each of us with our own demons brought with us from childhood. Over time I have come to understand this and I have forgiven him. I am thankful that Traveling and Altnooner have opened up and told their stories and allowed me to see it from "his" side. As strange as it may sound, I sincerely hope that "he" finds the courage to do the same soul searching so that he might find happiness and peace.

I have done this work, I have found myself. I have found that precious little wounded child within me who lost her innocence so long ago and allowed her to come forward in rage and passion and demand acknowledgment. I no longer judge my self worth by another's standards - I no longer need validation from a man in regards to my desirability. I am strong - I am happy - more importantly, I am no longer running.


I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


_Safira 53F
11260 posts
2/4/2006 11:03 am

There are no words to tell you how strongly this has affected me, as I sit here in silence, sobbing quietly. I love you so much, and am blessed beyond measure to have you in my life. *gentle hugs*

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?


rm_hinkawaza 52M
371 posts
2/4/2006 11:07 am

If only everyone could realize that what other people judge you by doesn't mean shit this would be a much better world. The only opinion that truly matters is your own! Glad you have realized your self!


rm_PurryKitty2 48M/50F
9753 posts
2/4/2006 11:35 am

You have every right to share and I am glad in th end you grew and became stronger from all of this

Purry {=}

Purry


rm_Ellenback 58F
966 posts
2/4/2006 11:53 am

IP, so powerful hon, glad you've become a Phoenix from all that. You and I wear the same size shoes, I think, although still working on the self judgements.

(((hugs))) to you in your courage, solidity and emancipation, moved me beyond just simple identification.

Elle


sweethoneysouth 37F
280 posts
2/4/2006 2:22 pm

This made me cry. It was beautiful, and sad, and uplifting. You are a beautiful and worthy woman. I feel lucky for just reading your words and I am not even in your life. You have so much to offer. Thank you.

SHS


F1reman6969 49M

2/4/2006 2:58 pm

absolutely beautiful.
post more often.
i feel priveleged in reading your life.
thank you so much for sharing.
thank you for becoming so strong.
many will learn from you if you keep us updated.
please stay and keep us company.
peace,

f 1 r e m a n 6 9 6 9


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/4/2006 3:08 pm

Sister Fire - The blessing is mutual - thank you.

Hink - You're so right. Unfortunately the "knowledge" is usually hard won. Just makes the realization all the sweeter.

Purry - Thank you for stopping by and for your words. I am beyond grateful for my growth - life has never been sweeter.

Valleyrat - Thanks for visiting also - And yes...he did have a bit of an addictive personality - sadder still - he still has not acknowledged it and is currently breaking someone else's heart. My addiction was in my need to "please" - which is not such a bad thing when it is mutual. My world is bright and sunny now - the scars are worn as a badge of honor for I am a survivor and that is a sweet, sweet thing.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


saddletrampsk 54F

2/4/2006 3:18 pm

I am so sorry for your pain..

Great big cyber hugs..


rm_goddess1946 106F
13518 posts
2/4/2006 7:56 pm

I have met you face to face and heart to heart...thus I am
not speaking from a place of encouragement from cyberspace.
You are a beautiful and bright woman and you have the best
of years ahead of you, Pixie. Life brings interesting lessons
to us in many different ways and you are all that you are today
for the understanding you have of your yesterdays. You HAVE done
the work to understand and you unquestionably deserve the very best.
You have also done the very best you could and every turn in the
road...the best is yet to come.

I applaud you for telling your story with clarity and love.
There is no blame or shame and your heart is filled with love
for yourself and others now. Some days it just doesn't get
any better than that. Sending you love always, Goddess

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


TzarsAmuseChant 41M
2854 posts
2/4/2006 8:50 pm

Hugs, dearheart.


rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
2/4/2006 10:03 pm

Truth, like gold, is to be obtained not by its growth, but by washing away from it all that is not gold. Leo Tolstoy

pixie It sounds as if you have done your share of the washing away and it is mostly gold remaining. I want to acknowledge your courage and your right to write from having survived your wahing. The quote is a favorite of mine because many of us have to walk through not only the fires but several "dark nigths of the soul" as well. As one of my mentorts used to say "Be gentle with you today."


tillerbabe 56F

2/5/2006 1:41 am

Peace. {=}


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/5/2006 3:24 pm

sweet honey - Thank you so much for stopping by and for your very kind words. I'm humbled by them. I can only write what's in my heart.

Fireman6969 - Thank you - I will stay as long as I have something to share.

Shyvixen - I LOVE that quote. I'm going to borrow it. My heart is much lighter these days and for that I am thankful. With healing comes Peace. It's a wonderful thing huh?

Saddle - Oh sweetie...don't be sorry for my pain. Pain is a necessary thing if one truly lives. I am today who I am because I came through the pain - and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Thanks for stopping by.

Goddess...You're so right. Some days it just doesn't get any better than that. There is no room in my heart for blame or shame anymore. The freedom from that is such a heady thing. I'm very glad you've come into my life...I'm sure there's a reason.

Oh Fiver - I bet your hugs are fantastic. There is nothing like a big huge enveloping hug. Thanks! Hmmm...that's nice.

Mtnravyn - Beautiful quote. Thank you for sharing it. It's going on my quote wall. Courage was something I didn't know I had - and I remember when I began my walk through the fires, and the very dark nights of my soul, darkness that had held me in fear for a very long time, I didn't know if I would ever find the end. Because I had a wonderful and patient mentor, I found a courage and strenth I didn't know I possesed. My job now is to help other's find their way through. Thank you for stopping by.

Tiller - Peace. Yes. I have peace.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


CantonOhCouple 60M/60F
553 posts
2/5/2006 6:26 pm

Beautiful post. We sad, and happy, for you and yours.

Hugs from CantonOhCouple


onelittlesecret 33M
1579 posts
2/6/2006 10:13 pm

Great post Pix. It seems that, in the month of January, the blogs were filled with a lot of negativity. Then people started sharing. Sharing some of the pain that they've had in life. I think it's done a lot of good.


tillerbabe 56F

2/6/2006 11:38 pm

Pixie..sweetie, go check out MOfunNOWOW's BLOG:
Evolution Chronicles: First Cut is the Deepest You will find something beautiful there! {=}


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/7/2006 6:06 pm

CantonOHCouple - Thanks for visiting with me for a bit. Please be happy for me...I am.

OneLittle - New Year dear...time to wipe out the old to make room for the new. Reflection of one's self in the new year is always a good thing. Feel the love??

Tills...I will do just that. Coming from you I know it's gonna be good. Thanks babe!!

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


keithcancook 60M
17833 posts
2/10/2006 9:20 am

"I don't know how it feels for men, can't speak to that....but I can tell you that for a woman it is devastating to your whole being."

I was betrayed. It remains the single most educational experience I have ever gone through. It changed me. After that, I was no longer naive about the ways of the world.

Oh yeah, it sorta made me a wee bit cynical too.


impish_pixie 54F
6867 posts
2/10/2006 1:58 pm

Keith - Don't let the actions of one woman color your mind to the rest of us. Cynicism is destructive. Naive? No....I wouldn't call myself naive - but I refuse to let the actions of that man change my trusting nature into a cynical suspisious woman. Good luck sweetie...

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


keithcancook 60M
17833 posts
2/10/2006 9:55 pm

Actually, I am sorry (and a bit embarassed) to admit that it was two in a row. The first one after investing 15 years, then the one after her also betrayed me after a 5 year relationship. That last one got me two different ways. Sexually and financially.

So, after 20 years I'm enjoying not having my heart on the line.

(besides feeling really really, really jaded anyway)


bat1123 58M  
20 posts
2/12/2006 4:09 am

You have every "right" to post it. It's good to vent and I'm glad that you have made peace with yourself. It's not ulike being stuck in the throes of alcoholism. Many alcoholics (myself included) were running from ourselves. The only difference is that we ran to the bottle to hide. I've been sane and sober for almost 6 years now and I love being back on the firing line of life. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to blame yourself for. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Brian


Become a member to create a blog