Random Thoughts?....  

impish_pixie 54F
2106 posts
7/9/2006 10:24 pm

Last Read:
10/10/2006 5:30 pm

Random Thoughts?....

Yep...that time again...no clear thinking solid post, just lots of strings which may or may not be connected.

1. Last week was a horrific week. My friend's 22 yo son, who had been battling depression, left her a message on her cell phone early Wednesday morning telling her he could not live with the pain of his condition anymore. He then drove 45 miles down Hiway 58, pulled over to the side of the road, calmly turned his car off and shot himself with a 45. He was a good kid, from a good, happy family. It is a tragedy on so many levels, a tragedy that had affected so many lives. Knowing the pain that I have suffered over this, I cannot, even in my wildest imagination begin to comprehend what my dear friend and her husband are living through. My son, who grew up with this young man, and is the same age, cannot fathom why S. chose to "quit" instead of battling on. I can't answer that question for him - I can only tell him that not everyone has the strength to fight the demons that attack at one's weakest point. I can only tell him that sometimes we all become so short sighted that we cannot see past "today". We cannot comprehend that tomorrow everything has the potential to change. I have felt the crushing sadness and horror at this news and can only pray that at some point his parents and brother will find a measure of peace in the sure knowledge that he who made us, now holds their precious child in his arms. I refuse to believe, as some would say, that he is eternally damned because he took his own life. I choose to believe that he who made us, knows us, and because he knows us, loves us even at our most weakest. The God I believe in knows the pain that waged war in S's heart and would never punish him based on that one final act. Please remember his family in your hearts.

2. Because I tend to feel the pain of others, by the end of the week I had reached a point where I could hardly breathe through the crushing sadness. I needed to go home. I needed to be cleansed by the love so freely given by my family, and I needed to be surrounded by the bright light of their love. I am ever thankful that I have such an oasis in which to go and heal.

3. While I was gone, my son, in his own attempt to cleanse his mind, (don't forget...he's only 22), got rip roaring drunk and forgot that I wasn't home so when he showed up at my condo at 3:30 am and couldn't get in he was quite baffled as to why. In his inebriated mind it made perfect sense to walk next door to my 70 yo neighbor and ask for the "spare" key. Imagine my surprise when I was awakened from a wonderful dream by the shrill ring of my cell phone, and even further surprise when I realized it was my neighbor. In my sleep fogged brain I just couldn't decide if I was dreaming the phone call or if it was real. I mean...it's not like J to call me at 3:30am unless something really scary is going down. Upon finally answering the phone I am greeted quite cheerfully by this sweet, patient woman who quickly gives me the run down on her visit with my now "passed out on her living room floor" son. She, at this point, has more than earned her "Angel of the Year" award for not only bringing him into her house and allowing him to pass out on her floor, but for not immediately calling the police the first time she heard, "Moma J!!!!! Are you THERE??? I NEED YOU!!!!!" (My son has this peculiar habit of calling all older women "moma"). Thankfully, she happens to think a lot of my son, and knowing the details of the past week she understood. I am trying to think of the perfect "THANK YOU" for her, if you have any ideas...please share, I'm quite open.

4. Maggie, who of course HAS to go to Granma's every time I go, is now sleeping soundly and increasingly making me gag from her little "gas" problem she seems to acquire every time we return from Granma's. I'm not sure, but it might be because my Dad cannot seem to help himself when it comes to sneaking her food from his plate. The dead giveaway of course, is his ever increasing grin and Maggie's total adoration of him every time we venture to the table. This from the man who taught me from a very early age that feeding dogs "people" food is not good for them and teaches them bad manners. HUMPH!!! Today, after getting caught for the umpteenth time, he grinned and suggested I give her a dose of "beano". Perhaps I should have listened....

5. I'm not sure if I've said it before, but just in case, I'm very thankful to have this outlet and all of you who drop by to visit. I love the interaction, and I genuinely appreciate the time you take to pull up the chair and sit a spell with me. I'd love nothing more than to meet you face to face and offer you a glass of sweet tea. If you're ever in my neighborhood, please, do stop by.

In the end, I'm reminded that we are all connected and offer to you this blessing; May all that you love be protected, May all that you meet be kind, and may the sun shine on your world and bring you joy. Blessed Be.

I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
7/9/2006 11:13 pm

Lord....no wonder you've been on my mind all week! I should have called you....but I didn't want to be a bother! Please know that I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers! Love ya sweetness!

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:16 pm:
You'd never be a bother. And thank you. Memorial was today and it was one of the sweetest and beautiful memorials I've ever attended. Thank you for your prayers.

rm_mtnravyn 60M
890 posts
7/10/2006 1:29 am

Madeleine Albrigh wrote an artice called "Making Sense of the Unimaginable" in it she said "I don't want to sound Pollyannaish, but I hope that out of a tragedy like this something good will come. I hope we understand we're one family."

That is one of the truths that seems to be denied by so many. Until we are all touched by this type of tragedy and learn to treat each other as a healthy family, we will continue to have to deal with depression, war, slavery, prejudice, etc. My prayer for you

May the warm winds of Heaven blow softly on your home,
And the Creator bless all who enter there.
May your mocassins make happy tracks in many snows,
And may the rainbow always touch your shoulder.

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:18 pm:
Yes, we are all one family. We must learn to look past the masks that people wear. Thank you for the prayer - All is well now.

HBowt2 58F

7/10/2006 1:57 am

what an awful week impish...its hard to understand that the thinking of someone who takes their life has changed and the choice to do it seems perfectly logical to them....there is no way anyone is condemned for this act...no way at all....
you are so lucky with your neighbour....but then kindness usually attracts kindness doesn't it....
take care of you HB2xx

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:19 pm:
I agree, our pastor did a lovely service. I feel a sense of peace now. My neighbor is a Saint...but then she has always thought N. was pretty special. Thank you for the lovely compliment. I am taking care...of all of us.

VATraveler1948 68M

7/10/2006 5:22 am

Nasty week my friend, I hope that this week turns out to be a bit friendlier. Did you son have a rip-roarin' hangover the following morning? You are very fortunate to have a neighbor like that.

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:21 pm:
In times such as these I do tend to look for a piece of good. Ms. J is definitely a huge piece of good. She's really quite wonderful. N. had a very nasty hangover, and a very red face - thankfully he's aware of how special our neighbor is and has already begun to make it up to her. (He's actually quite good with others anyway...)


7/10/2006 6:30 am

Not much I can say sweetie but (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and know I am there for you. I share the same view on taking one's life since I had to deal with my father doing that when I was at the tender age of 15.

I hope this week is better; and I am so glad you were able to go home to the true peace and love you feel there.

Luv ya

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:24 pm:
Thank you so much Ms. GMURN...I'm so sorry that you had to experience such at thing, but in truth, you give me hope. Hope that peace will come to us all - because you are one of the most well adjusted adults I know...

Home was good....I am blessed.

rm_DaphneR 58F
7938 posts
7/10/2006 1:05 pm

Take your neighbor out. To eat, shopping, something for her. A lot of older people are alone and the company is very precious to them.

Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.

impish_pixie replies on 7/10/2006 5:27 pm:
That's a great idea Daph...We already do things for her, but that's a wonderful thought. She loves to talk...I always try to make sure I have time to just sit and listen. You should see the garden she's made around our condo's...I was thinking I'd get her a gift card at the garden center too, but now maybe N and I should take her there. Thanks...You always know the answers...Do you know how FABULOUS you are?????

SpaceRangerNJ 55M
4687 posts
7/10/2006 7:51 pm

Sorry to hear of this tragedy. I to believe he should not be judged by the final act. I'm sure he was not in his right mind and the powers that be know that.
Would that sweet tea have a little something extra? Wink, wink!
It's good you have a neighbor to count on. I don't feel very close with any of our neighbors but I think they would lend a hand if it was needed.
My parents neighborhood has a peacefullness, especially in the evening. I love going there. Only 5 miles away.
Be at peace.

impish_pixie replies on 7/11/2006 5:28 pm:
Lately all my sweet teas have had just a little "extra"....but the times they are a changin'...right?

OcelotScratch 48M
286 posts
7/10/2006 9:01 pm

its hard to understand that the thinking of someone who takes their life has changed and the choice to do it seems perfectly logical to them

I can't speak for anyone else who's been there, but for me, it wasn't logical at all. It felt necessary. I couldn't face going to work the next morning, because all I'd done was screw things up. I couldn't possibly take one more disappointment. And I couldn't go to anyone, because tht would be disturbing them at 2:30 in the morning.

Getting up and going to my wife, rather than to the pills was the single hardest thing I've ever done. I think that the effect that killing myself would have upon my sister was probably what made it possible.

impish_pixie replies on 7/11/2006 5:30 pm:
Thank God for your sister, and thank God you found the courage to face the screw ups. It's really never as bad as it seems in the dark lonely nights - we just convince ourselves that it is. Thank you so much for visiting and sharing. Blessed BE...

rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
7/10/2006 9:40 pm

holding you and your friend in the light...
rocking you both gently...
praying that you both sleep peacefully this night..
sending you both love...

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...

impish_pixie replies on 7/11/2006 5:32 pm:
Thank you Mother Goddess...I did sleep peacefully last night. Attended the memorial for this young man yesterday, and though it was still sad and tragic, they chose to celebrate his life instead of making it all about the last few moments. I ask you to keep them in your prayers still...they have a long hard road ahead of them. (You always make me feel better...and I really LOVE that new pic...it's so YOU.)

Cowboy_Deluxe 38M

7/11/2006 5:35 am

All these strings of blessings. Damn should have known better.

impish_pixie replies on 7/11/2006 5:33 pm:
Ah Cowboy darlin'...I've missed you. Where you been???

kyplowboy22 61M

7/11/2006 7:35 am

Well, it's a new week Pix, and a new chance for things to be better. Hope they are for you, you had enough shit for a spell, I guess. Later


impish_pixie replies on 7/11/2006 5:34 pm:
Absolutely Unc kentuck...and it's already been a better one. I suppose we all have had enough "shit" for quite a spell...I'm ready for the "good" shit.

_Safira 53F
11260 posts
7/13/2006 7:31 am

I love you, Big Sis ... and can't wait to dance naked under the New Moon with you for cleansing and growth ... and just to be plain silly.

Always here for you (even though I am, sometimes, more a sternish Pollyanna, than a commiserating sister) ... as you are always here for me.

*massive hugs*

Safira {=}

This is my blog - Comes With Warning Labels. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

RECOMMENDED READING: A F F ... The Only Site For Me?

impish_pixie replies on 7/13/2006 3:34 pm:
YOU??? A sternish Pollyanna???? NEVER! LMAO...

I know you are...and it's always appreciated. Hugs right back at ya!

QueenOfWands_ 45F

7/15/2006 2:58 am

Blessed be, indeed.

southrnpeach333 50F

7/28/2006 8:48 pm

i have always been an advocate of dignity be given to those with terminal illnesses in allowing them to end their lives with some modicum of control and dignity...i have however been very judgemental of suicide. i have lately begun to thing about that though. i have begun to wonder if sever mental anguish is just as terminal and painful as a bodily cancer...is the pain and degradation not as real and severe? is the sufferernot allowed the same measure of exiting with diginity? i am still struggling with this...but have at least begun to consider the fact that i am too unbendable in my thinking....jeez, from the length of this comment i should have probably written my own post about it and left yours alone.

impish_pixie replies on 7/28/2006 10:06 pm:
SP....Please always feel free to express yourself here in whatever way you need to. I too believe that those with terminal illness should be allowed to make that last final decision with love, support and dignity. Suicide is painful for all - and I personally cannot imagine ever finding myself making that decision, but one thing I have learned in my years, judgements are easily made - but seldom comforting. Further, I have learned that every time I've made a die hard judgement, it usually turns around to bite me in the ass. The depths to which mental anguish can take a soul, the intense feelings of helplessness, the inability to find the strength to carry on...not always available to those who need it most. I have no answers for you - I can only say that I have learned to look on others with love, acceptance and a heart to hold them when they need it most. Sounds like you have too.


8/21/2006 2:08 am

I refuse to believe, as some would say, that he is eternally damned because he took his own life. I choose to believe that he who made us, knows us, and because he knows us, loves us even at our most weakest. The God I believe in knows the pain that waged war in S's heart and would never punish him based on that one final act. Please remember his family in your hearts.

No, he really can't be damned in that way as there really is no separation between creator and creation itself and the creator would never really do that to itself. Even from the most tragic appearing acts and events growth occurs. Even past the point of death. And growth will indeed be what all involved will some day receive from this. Altghough it may be hard to see it that way at this early point.

Although it still hurts I was able to immediately see that aspect of having witnessed my own mothers passing. I have had one suicide to deal with and I sometiems see the guy who did it in dreams. And growth is what I have seen in those dreams concerning him. My mother appears to me as well. Some of the dreams with her point towards a complete transformation of sorts that isn't easy to put into words. But it's always good to see her.


impish_pixie replies on 8/23/2006 9:32 pm:
KC...thank you for stopping by, and for your thoughts. I believe that we are all here to learn, if we do not grow, (and let's face it, most growth is achieved through the tuff times), we stagnate and become "dead" inside. Everyone loves the Mountain Top...but few remember it is in the Valley that we grow.

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