Random Thoughts & Musings.....  

impish_pixie 54F
2106 posts
4/3/2006 8:03 pm

Last Read:
4/8/2013 6:27 pm

Random Thoughts & Musings.....

I guess these are becoming a tradition on my space here - sometimes my thoughts just won't settle on one thing and so I just have to open up and empty out. Please humor me...

1. The storm is coming. They've been telling us all day, they've been warning us that it could be ugly. I can hear the wind picking up in my little patio; I can feel the pressure building and long for the release. I know now the reason for the headache that has tortured me for two days. More than that...I feel the storm building in my soul, the raw power of need and longing. Needs I find I can't even name that drive me to the brink of desperation, of pleading, of begging. Needs that leave me raw with vulnerability. Needs that lay me open and leave me defenseless against the cruel battering of his indifference. I long for the raging storm to cleanse this from my soul.

2. Maggie and I walked on the beach yesterday ‒ it was such a lovely day and the sand was warm. It was good to take my shoes off and just slide my feet down into the soft sand. It was even better to watch Maggie forget that she is 9 years old and see her running with joy, hopping like Tigger, and just throwing her body into the sand with total abandon. Digging like a wild woman just because she can and sticking her nose in the coolness that she unveiled. This is her favorite part of walking at the beach. She knows that if she’s a good girl on leash that eventually I will take her into the sand and unsnap the tie that binds her to me giving her complete freedom. The most beautiful thing about that of course…is that she does not choose to run away from me, but instead chooses to remain by my side in quiet companionship as we watch our worries slide away with each wave that recedes from the shore.

3. Today is my sister and her husband’s 19th wedding anniversary. Today I spent a few minutes thinking about the weaving of life and how each one of us, through our actions, or inactions, bring other things to life. See…all those many years ago when I ran from home and joined the Navy instead of going to Theater school, I had no way of knowing that my actions would bring my sister’s greatest joy. Her husband with whom she is celebrating, was my Chief (my boss for those who don’t do military lingo), and she met him for the first time when she came to Charleston, SC to visit me. Oh, she was married at the time, a very unhappy and unhealthy marriage, but I remember thinking the first time I saw them together that “this” was right. “This” was meant to be. It was like they had an aura completely around them. It took a few years for the fates to weave, but damn, you should see the masterpiece they created.

4. I find myself in a very melancholy mood. I’m not sure if it’s due to all the astrological happenings from the past few days, or from my inability to accept that sometimes no matter how much you want something, you just can’t have it. I know there’s a lesson here for me, and I hate that I have such a hard time figuring it out. I hate feeling all tender and vulnerable. I hate feeling lonely in my self-imposed separation. I hate that I’d like nothing more than to have strong arms around me, and a tender voice whispering in my ear, “it’s going to be ok baby.” I hate that in times like this, I want to be someone’s “baby”.

That’s it…I’m done. The storm has come, the rain is pounding against my doors and I can hear the voice of the lightening echoing off the trees. It is beautiful in its rage. Perhaps if I could rage in a similar way my soul would be cleansed and I could get on with being impish once again. Ah well…in time.


I make mistakes, I am out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn


johnb682000 48M
1 post
4/3/2006 9:28 pm

nice


impish_pixie replies on 4/4/2006 3:12 pm:
Thank you John...please come back for another visit...

tillerbabe 55F

4/4/2006 1:59 am

walking in the warm sand.. with our dog...I felt that. And oh how I long to be cleansed by a sharp and firey thunder storm!


impish_pixie replies on 4/4/2006 3:14 pm:
tills....blessed we are because of our dogs. I know it. I think my cleansing has begun - the storm has come.

angelofmercy5 58F
17881 posts
4/4/2006 4:56 am

Impish...if you can figure out how to cleanse your soul that way, would you tell me too? I'm almost ready for that crazy ride you promised.....I'll email you after tomorrow. Ok? And for your time of introspection...what better place than the sea...with your dog?


impish_pixie replies on 4/4/2006 3:19 pm:
It's funny really...I've always been drawn to thunder storms, and even more, I love to see the ocean during a good storm - the power, fury and insestant pounding just speaks a message to me. Remember the scene from Forrest Gump? Where LT Dan stands on the boat and rages back at the storm (at God), and come morning he's cleansed and his life moves forward. That's what I long for.

And you're right...there is no better place for me than the sea - I could not survive without it. And Maggie...thankfully she feels the same. I wait to hear from you.

rm_spatsagain 60M/60F

4/4/2006 12:57 pm

.............
.................
.........I'm not sure if I should speak.....
.........it would be very selfish.


impish_pixie replies on 4/4/2006 3:19 pm:
Spats...please...always feel free to speak - my blog is censorship free. I speak as I wish and I would never think to stop someone else from doing the same.

rm_goddess1946 105F
13518 posts
4/4/2006 5:05 pm

...hears you...
and understands

Just a little food for thought.............
If you really want to be happy, nobody can stop you...
{=}


impish_pixie replies on 4/4/2006 8:16 pm:
I knew you would. You always do...Thank you.

JudeL5 46M
1535 posts
4/4/2006 10:18 pm

Thanks for sharing yourself


impish_pixie replies on 4/5/2006 6:32 pm:
It helps me breathe.....

kyplowboy22 61M

4/5/2006 12:47 am

The storm is coming. I feel the storm building in my soul, the raw power of need and longing. Needs I find I can't even name that drive me to the brink of desperation, of pleading, of begging. Needs that leave me raw with vulnerability. Needs that lay me open and leave me defenseless. I long for the raging storm to cleanse this from my soul.

I find myself in a very melancholy mood from my inability to accept that sometimes no matter how much you want something, you just can't have it.

I know there's a lesson here for me and:

I hate that I have such a hard time figuring it out.

I hate feeling all tender and vulnerable.

I hate feeling lonely in my self-imposed separation.

I hate that I'd like nothing more than to have strong arms around me, and a tender voice whispering in my ear, "it's going to be ok baby."

I hate that in times like this, I want to be someone's "baby".


Acceptance, Pix. It's all that simple, kid. You can't change people, places and things. Only they can change themselves. Accept them for what they are, embrace them or move away from them, but if you place expectations on them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. They seldom if ever do what you wish. You do, however, choose how you respond to them.

Gratitude, Pix. Be grateful for all you do have and not hateful for all you don't. Be grateful that your heart can still feel the pain of loneliness, tenderness and vulnerability; it shows you are still alive at your core. Be grateful that you still feel the need for someone else; it shows that you have a heart full of love to give. Be grateful that you need someone to lean on; it shows humility.

It's alright to feel unhappy about being unhappy, as long as you are taking positive steps to reverse it. So, whatcha gonna do, kid?

kpb


impish_pixie replies on 4/5/2006 6:36 pm:
Oh darlin...I know these things...this is just my vent. I've very grateful for all that I have, and I do have MUCH, and I certainly don't mind humility - could teach a class in it for sure. Nor do I mind needing someone to lean on - I like being someone's "baby"...I just don't like to feel like I have to be. Does that make sense? I'm not unhappy unc obiwankentuck...I just have moments of self doubt and weariness. Don't worry...I'll be fine soon.

seek_u_topia 50M

4/6/2006 2:43 pm

I hope that storm washed away the melancholy feelings and left you refreshed. The walk on the beach with your daughter leaves such a nice picture in my head. children surely know how to let go of everything and just enjoy. wish we adults could do that so easily.


impish_pixie replies on 4/7/2006 11:27 am:
Seek...it's sooo sweet that you thought Maggie was my daughter, and in many ways she is, she's just of the canine type. Which really...is the same thing is it not? Thank you so much for visiting...please come back.

Seriously_Real 48M

4/7/2006 6:03 am

Pixie...love....darlin'....my favorite part of this is the concept of being unleashed, and yet wanting to remain next to you. Man, that's something I totally, totally, totally get. Thanks for the image.

Miss you...

--Seriously


impish_pixie replies on 4/7/2006 11:29 am:
I love the way you talk to me. Yes...it is probably the sweetest part - that she has her freedom, and yet chooses me. It is a validation of the best kind and such a validation of the thought that once you "release" someone if they are yours...they too will stay. Wishing you the "one" who will stay darlin Serious. (Welcome back!)

seek_u_topia 50M

4/7/2006 3:23 pm

    Quoting seek_u_topia:
    I hope that storm washed away the melancholy feelings and left you refreshed. The walk on the beach with your daughter leaves such a nice picture in my head. children surely know how to let go of everything and just enjoy. wish we adults could do that so easily.
LOL...I guess I'm not too perceptive! I thought the face in the sand was a little different for a 9 year old girl...but hey. Maybe I had the wrong picture, but it was a nice one, as is the real one you intended! Cheers!


impish_pixie replies on 4/10/2006 6:54 pm:
It's all good darlin...it's all good. Scroll back a few of my blogs and you'll read all about my Maggie girl.

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