why you fantasize....  

i_fuck_dirty 33F
137 posts
3/22/2006 5:50 am

Last Read:
3/24/2006 9:05 am

why you fantasize....


there is a reason you are only supposed to fantasize about certain things, but never actually do them.

for some time now.... actually forever.... i have always fantasized of hitting my BF. ok. not all the time. but when he really makes me mad or hurts my feelings, i just feel like giving him a good shove or something so he can physically feel what i feel inside. i dont actually do it because that is just a line that is not supposed to be crossed, right? unfortunate for me, he was not blessed with the gifts of empathy or sympathy.

he on the other hand thinks is somewhat comical to flick me on the lips when i say something he does not like. i never give it much thought as to how damaging it is because we aren't really fighting when he does it, or if we are, i do it back.

TO SET UP THE STORY.....

i cant remember the last time we had sex. i cant remember the last time he gave me a really meaningful kiss. i cant remember the last time he and i were in a room together without him falling asleep within 2 hours. our relationship "feels" like its doing well... but becuase we dont really talk that much. we dont really do much of anything.

you know, i know i am not the best looking girl in the world. i understand that its natural for guys to look at an attractive woman that passes by. but for years i have been telling him that i feel disrespected when he and i are having a conversation and he is so into a girl that is walking by that he forgets his own words, his entire head moves with her, he undresses her with his eyes, and makes the "oooo" face at her. i know am not wrong in feeling bad becuase he does that in front of me. if you think i am then fuck you too. that would make anyone feel shitty.

AND NOW, THE POINT.....

i dont really understand because i was actually having a really good day. great news all around. but last night, something took over me. we were out (miraculously) having a conversation (whether it was a positive one is neither here nor there) when two really good looking girls walked by. i saw him look at them the way he does when he is thinking that he wished he could pounce on them both right on the spot. i told him "why dont you go fuck them. twins, no?" in a way that even a deaf man would know that i was irritated. we keep walking and his head is turned back, far more than necessary to look at someone who was passing by. i mean his head was facing a completely different direction for way too long.

i only meant to block his view of the girls with my hand, but somehow, something possesed me to slap him. i didnt do it hard or anything, but it was still unmistakeably a slap.

like i said, i dont know why i did it. it just happened. 6 years of breaking me self esteem down finally got to me. as i was doing it, it felt great. but by the time my hand made it back down to my side i was regretting it. there is such a double standard in our relationship. if he does something physical to me, its funny (like the flicking); if i do it to him, its wrong. and i was unsure of how he would react. he knew what he did made me feel bad so he initially laughed it off. but then he was like WTF was that and started yelling at me. i said that i was sorry and i didn't mean to actually hit, only block. but, no matter. it kicked in. the damage was done. the cold shoulder. the silent treatment. the "i am fine, don't worry about it". a thousand "i'm sorry"'s later, and he still wont talk to me. i explained it and i plead with him and he still gives me the same smug attitude. he actually left this morning, knowing that i was well awake, without so much as looking at me and saying "bye".

and you know what? i don't care anymore. he was disrespecting me in public (in a place where undoubtly we would run into someone i knew). he hurt my feelings and self esteem (at a time where he knew i was down on myself already). it was a mistake, and i was sorry. i refuse to be manipulated in such a way. his attitude won't let up until he thinks that i have been emotionally "punished" enough. if he can't get over it, then fuck him. i take my "sorry" back.

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