|Blogs > i_fuck_dirty > me in tiny nut shells|
not knowing what to say
not knowing what to say
i cant possibly be the only person who does this...
there are conversations i know i will eventually have, even though i dont want them to happen. let it be today, tomorrow, in 6 months. but i know they will eventually happen. so i practice these conversations in my head. all the different possible ways the conversation will go. all the different things that could be said. then i make a mental note of things i want to make sure to say, how to say them, in what order, etc. i plan out all the possible questions that get thrown at me and my responses to all of them. the more significant the conversation, the more i practice it because i like to fully express myself when it comes to things that are important to me. i like letting the other person know exactly how i feel about him/her, the situation or issue at hand.
but then, i really do have the conversation. and when the conversation is over, i go back and pick it apart. point out everything that i did or did not say or do. things i would say or approach differently.
the more important the conversation, the more likely i am to forget. so many things i wanted to say, and i forgot them all. i am simply in shock that i am actually having the conversation. here i am. and here you are. having this conversation. i thought i would have more time before it came to this. i wish it would have worked out differently. god knows this is not when or how i wanted the conversation to go.
i am such a fool though. there is always one thing i want to know, though it doesnt really change anything. because really, the answer doesnt change anything; things are still going to happen. once you start one of these conversations there is no stopping them. i am hopeful, however, that in a situation like that, the person is being as honest with me as i am with them.
but i am not being totally honest. i mean, i meant everything i said, but i did not say everything i meant to say. but in that case, how much really needs to be said. a short concise statement would get the point across, but thats not enough to satisfy you. so, how much needed to be said? did i say enough? certain things need to be said. were all those things said?
we should be doing less talking and more fucking anyway.
11/2/2005 11:56 am
I do that when I have to have my boss head on and I need to talk to one of my staff about there performance. I rehearse everything in my mind, then get nervous and forget it all; when it’s all over I pick over everything then end up hating myself for not saying what I wanted to say or for saying it all wrong. Luckily I don’t need to do it to often which is good as id be a wreck otherwise.|