The night shifts alone  

hondagrindersi 36M
29 posts
8/20/2005 8:50 am

Last Read:
9/2/2006 9:00 pm

The night shifts alone

I know you. You were too short. You had bad skin. You couldn't talk to them very well. Words didn't seem to work. They lied when they came out of your mouth. You tried so hard to understand them. You wanted to be a part of what was happening. You saw them having fun, and it seemed like such a mystery, almost magic. It made you think that there is something wrong with you. You'd look in the mirror trying to find it. You thought that you were ugly, and that everybody was looking at you. So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation. The hours,days weekends. Ahh the weekend nights alone. Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job,? Just to have something to do, just to have a place to put yourself, just to have a way to get away from them. A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill at ease inside yourself. Did you ever get invited to one of there parties? You sat and wondered if you'd go or not. For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire, if they would laugh at you, if you would know what to do, if you would have the right things on, if they would notice that you came from a different planet. Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it and have a great time? Did you think that you might be the life of the party?, that all these people we're going to talk to you, and you would find out that you were wrong and that you had a lot of friends and that you weren't so strange after all? Did you end up going? Did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out that you were invited because they thought you were so weird? I think I know you. You spent a lot of time full of hate. A hate that was pure as sunshine. A hate that saw for miles. A hate that kept you up at night. A hate that filled your every waking moment. A hate that carried you for a long time. Yes I think I know you. You couldn't figure out what they saw and the way they lived. Home was not home. Your room was home. A corner was home. The place they weren't, that was home. I know you. You are sensitive. You hide it because you fear getting stepped on one more time. It seems that when you show a part of yourself that's the least bit vulnerable, someone takes advantage of you. One of them steps on you. They mistake kindness for weakness, but you know the difference. You've been the brunt of there weakness for years. Strength is something you know a bit about because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive. You know yourself very well now, and you don't trust people because you know them too well. You try and find a special person. Someone you can be with, someone you can touch, someone you can talk to, someone you wont feel so strange around. You found they don't really exist, you feel closer to people on movie screens. Yeah I think I know you. You spend a lot of time day dreaming, and people have made comment to that affect. Telling you that you are self involved and self centered. But they don't know, do they? About the long night shifts alone, about the years of keeping yourself company. All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself, so you could imagine someone holding you, the hour of indecision, self doubt, the intense depression, the blinding hate, the rage that made you stagger, the devastation of rejection. Well maybe they do know, but if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it. And it astounds you how they can be so smooth. How they seem to pass through life, as if life itself was some divine gift and it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up. For you life is a long trip, terrifying and wonderful. Birds sing to you at night. The rain and the sun, the changing seasons of true friends. Solitude is a hard one ally, faithful and patient.
Yeah I think I know you.

MsLoveRose 33F  
2432 posts
8/26/2005 6:08 pm

I think this is a very powerful piece. very heart felt and i would have to say accurate...i can even relate to a few of the things mentioned...only the fact of being alone...i have never looked upon solitude as negative thing...however i can see how someone could...

When i think of solitude...i see quiet...i see alone...not lonely...i see freedom...there you can be yourself without a care in the world. You find your inner-most fears, joys, pains, and happiness....My solitude is used for self-rejuvination and soul searching. If i am unbalanced can i ever be productive....

live more, laugh often, love much

rm_gbuscpl 50M/45F
61 posts
8/28/2005 11:10 am

WOW ! that was awesome. even made me tear up. I am glad you wrote that. I think that is something that i have been needing to read for a long time. Thank You

rm_MiVidaLoca25 36F
60 posts
9/20/2005 1:03 am

This was good use of emotion. This seemed like balled up energy made into something useful, insightfull, wonderful, power gained. I think a lot of us can relate to this, sometimes our individuality can alienate us from the masses. People are not cold, society is and that seems to be the objective here. Well written, thanks for sharing!

rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
12/14/2005 5:31 am

this is a time and place in the world where there are more of us than there ever were before and yet we are all aliens in a strange land, living without knowing the people around, without caring about the people around us ... we have made this strange place, that is nothing like we dream of, nothing liek we wanted it to be, and we don't belong in a world like this -- we are all aliens...

peace, brother, fellow alien...

[blog freelove999]

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