How to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin  

heyyall68 48M
5 posts
5/7/2006 7:26 pm

Last Read:
5/13/2006 9:12 am

How to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin


Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners, Northeasterners, Northwesterners, Westerners and Southwesterners, Californians, and Canukians.

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve
breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Luther, Tammy Lynn, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's patootie whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Sam Walton, Turner Broadcasting, MCI, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. John Edwards, Al Gore, Bill Clinton, David Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick
his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and
polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint, or losers, Because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime infested cesspools like New York, Baltimore or Boston. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box... minus your ass.

SlimGoodGuy 38M

5/7/2006 8:04 pm

Since it's all in good fun...

I'd much rather steal all your spicy food and replace it with tofu just to piss you off. There are some of us that will shove a shotgun back at you if you try to kick our ass Southern style. We'll even make sure we include grits so you enjoy it.

For the record, I was conceived in New Orleans and born in Nashville. I now reside in Louisiana, which is waaaay too close to Texas. I have lived further north and will end up going back in that general direction given the opportunity.

Southern pride needs to be taken down a few pegs before their britches get so big the bible belt can't hold em up anymore.

You might want to read my blog on how Southern hospitality is dead and buried. You can't be hospitable and also try to kick our ass.


nurseluvsdawgs 54F

5/12/2006 1:50 pm

Well, regardless of what "Mr.I'm going back up North given the opportunity" says...I think it's freakin' hilarious!!!!


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