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AAARRRGGGGHHHH
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Jan 21, 2011 4:05 am
984 Views
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Nothing better than waking up to a teenage daughter freaking out because there's no super glue to fix her glasses, a cat that won't shut up until he is fed, a dog that can't wait to get outside (and then needing to go out three more times!!).
I think today is going to start out shitty....and stay shitty...and of course money issues....hoping I get my check from school today. Daughters glasses broke and they can't be fixed so we need to get her new ones, that also means an eye exam....ugh....lottery winner is something I'd like to add to my resume.
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sometimes
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Jan 14, 2011 9:03 pm
837 Views
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I wish I had someone to fall asleep with....just for that reason.....I miss that when I'm feeling a little down.
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Not again :(
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Jan 9, 2011 3:25 pm
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I have been sneezing and sniffling all day.....I am so hoping it doesn't turn into anothe cold from hell!! It will be a Nyquil night for me.
Finally got my report card (lol sounds so weird) from school. I have a 3.75 GPA and got 3 A's and one B....very happy with that.
Discovered this neat little place today across the street from the St.Vincent parking ramp. It's called the actiontoyman store....lots of action figures....great place to go for a star trek geek or star wars nerd....but there's so much more there....I was in heaven....I'm such a dork.
Took my daughter and her friend out to lunch today. I love BW's! Game day as well so it was definitely a fun environment.
Went out last night with my friend and some work people....discovered a new place...well not new just a new name I guess. I had never been to the Marketplace Grill and now it's called Senor Coyote....go check it out of you ever get the chance!
Missed out on some great sex though 
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January
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Jan 5, 2011 8:16 pm
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This is the month that starts off with me trying to make myself a better person inside and out!
I will keep improving myself mentally and physically...I plan on getting up when my alarm goes off the first time and do some light physical activity....start off slow and work my way up!
I have discovered sex again! lol...well I never lost it but I wasn't really feeling it....but now that I keep getting with my regular buddy I can't seem to get enough and I still have my young guy but it isn't as easy for the two of us to hook up right now...which sucks.
My family...well let's just say they haven't said anything to me since the last blow up. I do plan on writing them all a letter to hopefully make them realize that they are doing more harm than good as far as continuing to buy my mother her cigs....
Right now though, I'm going to bed....
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Goodbye 2010 and hello 2011
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Jan 1, 2011 3:32 pm
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Of course I had to do a blog today of all days....1-01-11 
I am going to continue working on me this year, bettering myself and being there for me! I have 6 months left of school, things (again) have settled down with the family (but I haven't forgiven or forgotten yet) for now.
There is so much I want to do and accomplish and if I do it all in 2011 that's great but if not I will just carry it over to the next yeat.
As of right now my plans are to be more stable financially. It's going to be hard but if I follow the budget that was worked out for me. I know I'm going to slip up and stumble a little but I think that as long as I know that I will be ok. I am determined to get back on track.
I will try to remain as positive as I can.
I'm hoping that relationship wise something develops slowly....I want to do that right as well. I need someone who understands my situation with my mother and family. If the guy I've been interested in realizes the same thing as me...it will be good lol...if not that's fine as well.
The first day of 2011 started off good....lol....I got a 7.5' Christmas tree for $20....normally a $78 tree! Go me!
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One day
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Dec 21, 2010 8:31 pm
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I did not cry today!! Well, I almost did but those were good tears....someone did something very nice for me today in order for me to feel good about something that I've been down about....very nice and makes me realize that there are people out there that will do something out of the goodness of their heart.
Now....my sister on the other hand needs to back the hell up...FAST.
She called me daughter, my 17 year old daughter, and started to get her involved in this damn mess that's going on with them and me. I'm not sure of everything that was said but she did tell my daughter that because of my mother's low immune system if she catches one of our colds she will die. Well does she not realize smoking also can be a cause of a low immune system (at least I think it can). Tell me please why it's not ok for her to catch a cold but it's ok to give her cigarettes that can cause severe injuries to her and also affect her health??? Why is one not just as bad as the other???
I am so fed up with their self righteous attitude....their way of thinking that what I do is not good enough, that I must not be taking care of my mother because the house is cluttered and a mess...did I mention I work full time and go to school??....at least I'm not under the influence of alcohol or illegal narcotics!!!! They better watch because I'm pushed about as far as I'm going to be.....you get me backed up against a wall I will start pushing back and come at them swinging......
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What next?
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Dec 20, 2010 8:42 am
869 Views
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So things just keep getting better and better....
Mom had told me she needed cigarettes and I refused to buy them. I won't do it and I'm sticking to that this time no mattter what she threatens. It is in everyone's best interest that she doesn't smoke. She uses matches and I can't tell you how many matches I find on the floor...her clothes have so many burn holes in them....it isn't safe....it isn't healthy...for any of us living in this house.
So she called my sister and said something about needing cigarettes and how I wouldn't get them for her. Now, when she got out of the hospital a year ago me refusing to get them for her was not a problem....but it is this time? Why? Maybe because they don't want to have to face the inconvenience of coming to Erie (they live in Fairview)to get them for her, to do something for OUR mother...not just their mother or my mother...but OUR mother.
I got a voice message from my sister basically telling me that if I did not go get her the cigarettes she wanted that she was going to start eviction proceedings to get me out of this house...all because I refuse to do what's right for her and my family??
They don't realize how easy it is to have me here instead of hiring someone else.....if there were a professional taking care of her not only would it be costing them a lot but she wouldn't be getting what she wants and according to my sister she will want for NOTHING..
Even with this latest threat being held over my head I am still standing my ground. I am looking out for my mother...the person I am supposed to be taking care of....they have no idea how hard it is...they can come and go as they please...I'm including the email that I sent to my sister just because I don't feel like typing it all again. My sister also says my mother gives me everything I want....that is so not true.
This is to my sister:
So tell me why me refusing to get her cigarettes this time is such a big deal but it wasn't when she got out of the hospital???
How do you figure she gives me everything I want?? If that were true I would not be struggling right now the way I am.
I haven't asked her for anything major in a very long time. I have been accused of draining her financially and I would like to know how that is as well since it wasn't me who had her co-sign any loans and stick her with the payments.
You say she shouldn't and won't want for anything but yet she has repeatedly told Dee that she wants control of her finances but she won't let her...why? Because it is in her best interest and she messed up her account very badly??
Why is it ok for her to refuse mom something but not me? Especially something that is not just harmful to her but to myself and the kids as well.
You guys do NOT know what I go through on a daily basis with taking care of her, the sleep I lose listening to or being woken up by her coughing so bad that I am afraid she's choking. How about having to check in the morning to see if she's still breathing? Do you know how that is?? Do you know what it's like to be woken up at 3 am because she fell and needs help getting up? How much sleep do you lose taking care of her? How many times have you had to either leave work early to take care of her or miss work or go to work late because something with mom or her machines went wrong?
I do not get a break from it at all...I can't go camping for a weekend or on a vacation when I want.....I cant have friends over to hang out and enjoy their company so don't tell me that she gives me whatever I want or I don't do enough for OUR mother.
Yes I live her rent free and she pays my car insurance....that does not come close to what I would make if I was actually being paid to take care of her. A caregiver makes at least $25 an hour....if I were to add all that up I'd be having no problems financially right now. I don't even ask for anything to be taken off my debt.
You guys want to get pissed off at me for not buying her something that is bad for her then so be it. I am not going to sit back and keep it all in anymore. I have a voice, Funny how this wasn't an issue a year ago when she got out of the hospital and had it not been for Dee bringing her cigarettes she may still be smoke free...all it takes is being strong enough to tell her no....not only is it bad for her health but there are safety issues as well. DO you know how many matches end up on the floor? Have you really paid attention to all the cigarette burns in her clothes? How would you feel if she burnt herself bad enough because of her smoking?? Would you feel good because deep down you knew she was getting what she wanted....or will you think just maybe if you had stood ground and not given in to her wanting cigarettes she wouldn't be in harms way?
I guess you guys don't know because you don't see what I see, you don't hear what I hear.....you don't go through what I go through. No one comes to see her on a regular basis to just spend time with her....Dee comes in once a week to get her numbers and cigarettes and that's it.....you take her to her doctor appointments when she has them and come in every so often...but nothing regular. You don't know what's best for her. What if her doctor said "stop smoking" are you going to go with that or go against that?
Despite what everyone thinks about me...I AM DOING MY BEST HERE and it isn't enough for any of you....but I didn't see any of you offer to give up your home to come take care of her. She's being taken care of, she's being fed, she's being changed when she pees the bed. She's not an easy person to live with.....but I do it because I LOVE her and CARE about her...and it's because I do that I refuse to help her kill herself even quicker.
So, start the eviction process Sharon, even though it isn't what she wants...and after all she should get what she wants regardless of what we think.
By evicting me it will take a while...I will fight it and go before the courts and what do you think they will say when they hear you want to evict me because I refused to buy my oxygen dependant mother who has emphysema and COPD cigarettes....and don't forget to add in how "disgustingly dirty" the house is. It isn't though...it's just cluttered and because I'm working and going to school it has slipped, I will admit that...but I get it cleaned up on my days off.
Do what you have to do Sharon, even though what you want isn't what Mom wants. Don't bother replying to this because I really have nothing to say to a family that wants to put me out because I'm looking out for my mother and her health and her safety.
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The end.....
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Dec 18, 2010 1:15 pm
848 Views
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This past week has been a really hard week for me. I don't know what to do anymore, which way to turn. Things at home are not good between my mother and me. I have, since lasat Thursday, had two major bouts of crying. Last night it scared me though. I have never yelled at my mother or told her no to something. I was in my car (with no heat) for about an hour just crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't do this anymore. It's to hard on me and the kids. My sisters have no idea how hard it is to take care of her and live here with her. What it does to me mentally (and I guess you could say physically since my sleep is affected) is getting to be to much. I actually admitted to her that there were times I wish something would happen to me to take me out of this whole mess. I have been crying off and on for the past week...enough is enough. Something has to change.
Christmas is next week...I have no tree (which doesn't really bother me) and no decorations up...I'm thinking of not putting them up at all. I'm not feeling it at all....what would make me happy right now is having $160....to pay the rest of my phone bill ($97) so that I don't lose out on the $500 rebate I get next month and the rest to buy my daughter the one gift she really wants.
I'm ready to just walk away...I want to curl up in a ball....I want to get away from it all....work....kids....school....home....
How do you know if you really are at the end of your rope...that you really can't take anymore. I think I'm close...and it scares me because I don't know what I will do. I'm so sick of crying. I have cried so much this week and especially last night and today. My head is pounding and I really feel like just screaming again....but that only brings on more crying....
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Oh the weather outside is frightful....
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Dec 6, 2010 6:43 pm
925 Views
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I guess we didn't escape winter this year
So, I'm totally exhausted, my schedules are killing me and I can't let either work or school suffer. Why can't I find a rich, gay man that needs to get married for convenience so I can quit my job while being in school?? LOL.....I wish.
I have to say, for the first time in my life I was busted by a parent (not mine) while having sex! I was down at my friends house for a late night hook up. Since his sister passed away a couple of weeks ago he isn't really able to leave the house because he's now taking care of his dad (similar situations that we are both in). We thought his dad was asleep and as we are going at it on the living room floor we both heard the sound of shuffling feet at the same time.....oh shit I was thinking. Glad I was on the bottom and not as exposed lol. As soon as his dad went back to his room we both got up and got dressed (I was laughing the whole time lol). I came home and he sent me a text later and his dad said "I don't care as long as you don't leave pecker tracks" lol...this from an 80 something man....I love his dad!
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Let's play catch up
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Nov 21, 2010 5:28 pm
995 Views
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Wow, it's been a bit since I've done a full blog I guess! Just so busy with school and work lately. THis is the first weekend I've had off in three weeks. It's nice to have two days in a row with no work and no school. When I have days off during the week it doesn't seem like a day off because of school.
So, here I go...the latest.
School:
The first semester is just about done....end of December. It is going fast but not fast enough. I'm getting A's in everything so that's a nice thing! As I'm typing this I realize I have online homework to do...CRAP! lol....
Work:
What can I say, work is work. No better, no worse. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that soon I won't have to work there. I will probably stay there just to do the greeting cards and maybe fill in if someone calls off. Other than that, I can't wait to leave....so sick of all the bull shit drama that goes on there. I'm starting to keep to myself there...it helps. Kepe me out of the problems!
Home:
It's the same...not much is changing there. My son is on a "probation" of sorts here. He needs to pick up the responsibility pace and be a member of this family and stop thinking about just himself. My daughter continues to do good and just got accepted into the college of her first choice! I'm so proud of her.
Life:
Haha....wow it's the never ending cycle. Still single and for the most part I'm liking that. I'm continuing to discover myself and what I want out of life. It feels good. At the same time though I miss having that one person. I know though that right now is not the right time for a relationship.
I continue to be amazed how much of a jizz bag guys can be. No matter how many times I told this one guy that I'm not attracted to him and that I'm only offering friendship he continued to tell me he wanted to fuck me. So, today I had enough of it. I told him off and that's when he decides to tell me that he isn't attracted to me. I had to chuckle at that. For me, I have to be attracted to a guy to have sex with them, he doesn't. It didn't bother me one bit that he said that....I don't know if he thought it would or not but honestly, I'm use to guys not being attracted to me. It doesn't bother me.
I know what I want in a guy and I have the right to be picky. I am a woman that deserves respect and I won't settle for less. It isn't just about sex for me....I can get sex and I do get sex on a regular basis....but I have just two people that I get it from. I'm not adding to that number and I know they are both clean and safe.
House:
Well, the housework has definitely suffered lol....seems like I get one room clean and it's a disaster as soon as I turn around. I started working in the basement today again. I wasn't in the mood but it needed to be done. Why is it that when you aren't in the mood things go much slower lol.....I did get a lot done though. Almost done with it and then we start tearing everything down and get a company in here to take care of the mold and water leakage problem!
Now....I'm going to go relax now....I'm sore from all that cleaning and laundry!
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happy....sad.....
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Nov 18, 2010 7:23 pm
962 Views
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My daughter was accepted into her college of choice! I'm happy for her.....but I'm sad at the same time. My baby girl will be gone kind of. So I'm sad about that.
I'm also sad because I really don't know how I'm going to do Christmas. I'm behind on my car payments and might be losing my things in storage......wrong time of year for problems with money.
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So much sadness lately
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Nov 11, 2010 6:59 pm
1080 Views
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So my cousin is still having a hard time accepting her teenage daughters death and that is totally understandable. I just wish there was something I could do to help her. Words will have to do but it never feels like it's enough.
Now tonight, my best (male) friend of 30 some years found his sister dead. She had a stroke and he was outside, didn't hear anything. So of course you have all the "what ifs" going through your mind. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I love this guy so much and will till the day I die. Again, all I can do is offer support and words. Again, it doesn't seem enough.
You realize, at times like this, that you never know what will happen the next day, what fate has in store for us. I still have a hard time dealing with my sisters death...it's been two years. It does get easier...but the pain is always there.
Remember, don't take anyone for granted....don't forget to tell them you love them....don't keep anything in.....let people know how you feel and what you're thinking....you'd be surprised at how many people really are there for you.
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Do you....
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Nov 10, 2010 7:09 pm
1107 Views
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Do you ever just wish that you could have what you really want, just for 24 hours to know how it feels to be happy?
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To link to this blog (hellofagood_1) use [blog hellofagood_1] in your messages.
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