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ah sweet deja vu
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Feb 18, 2012 8:03 pm
68 Views
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I am happy. Again. Really happy again. I didn't give up on what my heart and mind were saying to me. Something in me told me that things weren't over with Shawn. There was still something there....and until I knew what that was I couldn't let it/him go completely.
So glad I listened to me. I love him. I LOVE HIM. He's still the best thing to happen to me in a very long time. I know this is a good thing and things are different this time. We talk more, make decisions together. This is good.
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healthy? me????
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Feb 9, 2012 9:51 pm
212 Views
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I forgot to mention that I'm also starting a new paragraph in this first chapter of my new life. Cutting back on soda, drinking more water, taking vitamins and working out again. I honestly can't wait!!!!!!!!
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Getting There
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Feb 9, 2012 7:07 pm
208 Views
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Finally have a new phone....my other one got to the point where I couldn't even charge it. I got the droid razr and it is amazing!
I quit my job at tge bookstore ..... I was only being scheduled one day a week for four hours.....wasn't worth it. I miss it. So my clerical job search continues.....
Getting the new place put together slow but sure. Can't wait to be done.
Every dsy I fall more in love with Shawn. We are both glad we found our way back together 
Nothing much else to report
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My moment of weakness....and I feel horrible
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Feb 2, 2012 2:20 pm
323 Views
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Shawn has been back for one week (in my life that is). He was here for four days and had to go back to work. He came up last night for my sons birthday and to spend the night with us. I have no reason to doubt him and not believe in him. I guess part of the old me came back for a moment. We went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I got back up and what was bothering me caused me to do something that I am so not proud of. I snooped in his phone. All the text messages were either from me or to me. The calls were either to or from me and the pics in his phone we all me and the default pics. I should have left it at that. I was happy to see that, thought I was being stupid. I put his phone back and did some things but then the stupid insecure me voice creeped back...told me to check the contacts. I wish I hadn't. I did find female names. No problem, he does have some female friends and that's ok.
I assumed the worst though. I started to write him a letter. I had to let him know what I did and I couldn't bring myself to di it face to face. Kind of a coward move on my part. I do believe in 100% honesty in a relationship....good or bad. I confessed all and said I needed to know he was in this 100%. I was crying....a lot. I finally went to bed, cried a bit more with him sound asleep next to me. I needed him to hold me so I woke him up and asked him to hold me. Scared the crap out of him though lol...he thought I was gonna say one of the pets were dead or something. He wanted to know why I was crying and I told him I wrote him a letter. As soon as he put his arm around me I felt a sense of calm come over me and stopped crying. Just his touch calmed me down.
He left for work and later read the letter. Said he wasn't thrilled I did what I did but he has nothing to hide. We are ok....he adores me, he loves me, and wants to be with no one but me. Yes, I believe him. I can't explain why it's so different with him. Maybe this is the real thing...the one I've always knew was out there for me. I can only hope. I love him with all my heart and soul and would never do anything to hurt him. Just myself apparently. He kinda laughed when I said it was what I did that had me crying, not the names I found in his contact list. Maybe deep down I knew there was nothing to worry about....and that's why I was upset with myself for what I did. I have never done that before with a boyfriend.
He will be moving in but not right away. He is going to help me with my bills though....he doesn't want me to have to work two jobs. He loves me for me, all my silly notions, my insecurities, my doubts and because I love him.
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Missing Mom
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Jan 29, 2012 10:27 pm
382 Views
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The house is pretty much empty.....no more appliances in the kitchen, no more furniture in the living room, washer and dryer are gone, bedrooms upstairs are empty. It doesn't feel right, shouldn't be like this. That house was built by my grandparents many years ago and it has been in the family since. When my grandfather passed away my dad had bought the house. I had hoped to buy the house and see my kids grow up there, gather there on holidays with their significant othes, bring their kids there to "nana's". But that isn't going to happen and it makes me mad and sad at the same time.
I know they say home is where you hang your hat....well that may be true but it doesn't feel like home. I love my new place....but it's not home. Maybe once Shawn moves up it will seem like one....one that we are building on our love for each other. Who knows. All I know is it isn't the same.
I was unpacking, organizing and throwing things away tonight, and I came across a piece of paper that mom had written on. It was in a crochet book. She was making socks for everyone. A project she obviously started over three years ago since she had my sisters size written down and she passed away 3.5 years ago lol. Anyway, I just looked at it and started crying. I miss her so much. Now that the move is almost done I will have time to mourn and I have a feeling it's going to hit me hard. I know I have my friends, computer friends and real world friends....I will need your strength and encouraging words....because even though at the moment those words are said they may not help immediately, but they will at some point.
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More snow....
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Jan 29, 2012 3:35 pm
341 Views
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I guess I shouldn't complain about the snow we are getting right now, for the most part we've had a very mild winter...but I will complain this time because like an idiot I left my snowbrush on the top of my car and drove off....it got run over and smashed 
Luckily I am in for the night....and don't have to be to work till tomorrow afternoon
I am anxiously awaiting Shawns move to Erie and in with me. It will be nice to have him here and actually have a life with him where we can see each other more. Just needs to find a job here so he can move.
Other than that things are going great.....
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ok
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Jan 27, 2012 6:55 pm
391 Views
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Yes, he is back in my life and things are going ok.
For about the past week and a half I had been trying to find him. I NEEDED to know what exactly happened, why we were no longer together. Until I had the answer, good or bad, I wouldn't be able to let it go. Something in me just couldn't let it go.
I called his old number again. It was still his voice on it. So I called it, no answer. Didn't expect one. I began to text it again and this time I just didn't stop. I kept pushing for answers. At first I was thinking it was Shawn and he was just trying to be nice and say things like don't give up etc, etc....
Whoever it was that I was texting got a message to a friend of Shawns to tell him that I was looking for him, that I wanted to hear from him. I was told he got the message and if I really wanted to hear from him, he would get a hold of me. For the next couple of days I continued to text this guy...not fully sure I believed him as far as who he was.
I came home from work one day and was expecting my son to come home. Heard someone at the door and assumed it was him....dog was barking but no one came in. I finally go to the door and look out and it was Shawn. He was walking away. I opened the door so damn fast.....he came in the door...and pulled me to him and we just hugged. I started crying right away....I couldn't believe he was there...in front of me.
It took me some time to stop. I still can't believe it.
He had gotten fired, and had no way to get a hold of me. The phone he had was a company phone and all his numbers were in it. He went home and kinda felt sorry for himself for a few weeks. He was mad at himself and the world. By the time he got back to wanting to get back to life he figured he had lost me or that I would be pretty pissed at him as well. He found another job and tried to put me out of his mind.
I will admit...at first I was mad, but then I got over that and I just wanted him to be ok....him to be happy.
We talked some more, he said he never forgot about me and never stopped loving me. There was no one else and that the job he had was just really stressing him out and getting to him. I know what that's like.
So we are back together and I am very happy about that. I know my friends are going to question that and that is ok, just means they care about me. If for some reason this time it doesn't work this time.....I will be ok. I will know I at least gave it a try. I believe in my heart though that this is right. I can't explain it...it's just a feeling. He also said he wants to move here...to be with us.
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on top of the world
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Jan 25, 2012 4:25 am
424 Views
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I never fully gave up on Shawn. Glad I didn't. This past week I did a lot to try and find him. He showed up at my door last night. We talked.....it was good. He's back with his cowgirl and I've got my cowboy once again
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Looking up
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Jan 17, 2012 5:08 pm
539 Views
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I got a call yesterday from an employment placement company yesterday. My school had sent them my resume and there is a position they had me in mind for. I stopped in after work and filled out their application and got set up for an interview with the company needing help. It is a permanent position, I just have to do the required 90 days through the temp agency. It's a second shift clerical position. Taking orders, entering the orders and getting the tickets ready to go out on the floor. The pay is good....better than most temp places start off at. The company is a good one to work. Family owned for 136 years. Those are hard to come by......I am crossing my fingers and hoping I get it. I need this job so much. It will lighten my stress load that's for sure.
At the end of last week I broke down again.....missed him a lot. I called his number and despite "being fired" from the company it's still his voice attatched to the company phone. I wish I could forget him altogether but I just can't yet.....why????
At least things are looking up. Once they start getting better and I'm in a better place it will be easier.
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goo goo dolls.....iris
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Jan 11, 2012 7:45 pm
639 Views
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I guess I never really listened to the lyrics before. I was watching City of Angels tonight and that song is in it. I can relate to a lot of songs. Like I said, I never really paid attention to the lyrics. Love the song.
I started to relate to it tonight. I'm not thrilled about it. As if I don't think of him every damn day still.....but damn this song just brought him right to the front again. I can never fully get him locked in the deep recesses of my mind. The first line of the song, "you're the closest to heaven I've ever been", I felt like that. Just pure happiness.
"I don't want the world to see me. Cause I don't think that they'd understand"
How true is that?? This is the only place I let my real feelings and emotions out....
I miss him but I Don't want him to know. No worries there....he doesn't. I haven't heard from him since November 18th. Almost two months and I still feel something for him. I still cry at the fact that we ended and I have no idea why he just stopped. None.
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sigh
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Jan 11, 2012 4:30 pm
664 Views
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Well I've finally been caught. Damn infections! Double ear infections, sinus infection and sore throat. Just in time for my 9 days off.
Certain someone has been on my mind past couple of days. Wish I could forget, but I can't.
Most of my moving is done.....just some odds and ends and the appliances
Fun
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dating and sex
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Jan 10, 2012 4:21 am
733 Views
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So I'm putting myself out there again and dating. I've never really dated before....not in the traditional sense of the word. I'm enjoying it. I think I'd rather keep dating for a while and bypassing relationships altogether.
Some of the dates leave me in a very good mood....others I can't help but wonder WTF lol.
No matter how much I might want the date to turn physical.....I won't do it. Right now is not the time for me to be hooking up with anyone new. Thank God for my fuck buddy!!
Don't know what I'd do without him! He always gives it to me good. We've been buddies off and on for the last ten years. Unless one of us was in a relationship with someone.....we are slays each others go to person.
Yesterday was no exception!! Omg the sex was incredible and oh so good.....even had a little ass play going on!!!
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I am, I will, I will not, I can
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Dec 31, 2011 8:01 pm
831 Views
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I am strong, but I have my weak moments
I am deserving of a real man, a great man, an honest man
I am the best that I can be, even if my best isn't good enough for others
I am fun, I am me
I am loyal
I will find happiness one way or another in 2012
I will have that good job and be more financially stable in 2012
I will not settle for anything less than I derserve
I will stand up for myself
I will not let others push me around
I will not make others happy at the expense of my happiness
I will cry
I will love
I will hurt
I will live
I will believe in myself
I can get through things
I can survive the struggles
I can smile through the pain
I can dance like no one is watching (and hopefully no one is)
I can believe in myself
I can make it
Here's to a not so great year of many ups and downs and emotional rollercoasting that I hope to never go through again and here's to a new year that can only improve as it goes on.....
I will and I can get through it all with the help and love and support of my friends.....the ones I've met and the one's who support me through words on a screen....
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