|Blogs > helga_hansen > ♥♥ Mitt Hjerte - My Heart ♥♥|
Wanted: One Lover...
Wanted: One Lover...
Yeah, it's me. I know, I know! Usually your little Gnomish Norwegian cousin sorts me out every year, but this year I want something just a little bigger...
Look, let's be honest here... I've not been a good girl this past year, but on a scale of 1 to 10, I think my naughtiness only rates a 3 or 4. I say this because I've done everything with my eyes wide open, and I've not sneaked behind people's backs.
Santa, I'd like you to leave me a lover in my stocking this year. Now, you know I'm not that fussy, but I do have a few requirements of this particular gift...
I'd like it if my lover had his own hair and teeth. Okay, so I'm prepared to negotiate on the hair, but the teeth thing? No chance! I like having a glass of water next to my bed at night, and it isn't going to be for his teeth!
I'd like it if my lover is about my age, or perhaps a little older. Look, I know I work for a university, but that doesn't mean I want to play with the students. Heck, just the other night I had some young upstart call me "old", and I've not even hit 40 yet!!
I'd like my lover to live within a 100 mile radius of me. My last (and let me stress, ONLY) lover lived so far away that I had to catch a plane to see him. I didn't mind, as I thought (and if I'm honest, I still do think!) he was worth it, but it sort of limited the time we could spend together. I'd also like someone who can see me at least every 2 to 3 weeks, not every 2 to 3 months... what's the point of having a lover if it always feels like a one-night stand?!?!
I don't have an issue with money (if I did, my pal rockwriter58
would slap my arse so quick on one of his very interesting Courtesan blogs (did you read that last one? No? Well, check out Courtesan Advisory #10... I think the man has a calling as a Private Dick!!) Anyway, back to the money thing... as I said, not an issue, but my idea of a date isn't choosing a Happy Meal from the local Golden Arches. I'm not expecting a meal in Browns every time, but I don't want him to think I'm a cheap date either!!
I'd also like a lover who understands I'm a real woman. This mean that when I remove my pretty bras that I like wearing, that my nipples are going to drop about 4 inches. Fact. It mustn't come as a complete shock to him. Also, he has to understand that having kids has left me with some memorabilia, like stretchmarks and a flabby tum. I've never had a personal trainer or a personal chef like some of today's celebrities, which means I'm hardly likely to have a body like theirs either! Oh, and I have a piercing on one of my nipples now (look, I said I'd been naughty!!) and he mustn't be the type that find that a turn-off. I'm thinking of having another, more intimate piercing done, and he has to like that sort of thing!
I'd also like a man with more than a few brain cells knocking about. For some bizarre reason, I've ended up with blonde hair and an IQ that has me classified as intelligent, so a man who talks rather than communicates with oafish grunts would be ideal. Hey! No, I'm not being choosy here, but you've got to remember that it's not ALL about sex here!!
Santa, I hope this won't be too much to ask. I know I've left it a little late in the day. Yes, yes, I know it's less than 2 weeks until Christmas, but my friend Wackytits Wackytits (I've put that photo in there, Santa, to whet your appetite) keeps telling me that they have some Geordie saying where she comes from that "shy bairns get nowt"... so, I'm asking! And you'd better deliver! Or I'm going to spend the next year snacking on Rudolph and his pals. You know how much I like eating reindeer meat, but I stopped after you promised you'd be nice to me if I was nice to you!
Okay Santa, I think I'm done here.
Yours in hope,
PS. Oops!! I almost forgot... Santa, can you make him tall?? It's just being 5'10 myself, I sort of like tall men. Yes, I know Mr Hansen is just a little shorter than me, but I want to get a crick in my neck while I'm snogging my lover!!
12/12/2005 6:55 am
Nice one helga |
Why don't you leave one of your HelgaHansen Originals out with the glass of milk on Christmas Eve, it might help.
12/12/2005 10:10 am
I am one of Santa's top elves and passed your sweet letter on to him. He said he will hurry down your chimney on Christmas and bring you a gift certificate good for the lover of your choice cuz you're one of his pets.
Santa's Little Helper #369963-1
12/12/2005 5:18 pm
Oh! Helga! Can I copy it and send it to Santa too? xx|
12/13/2005 7:36 am
I am so sorry that I am off on two of the crucial criteria! Nevertheless, thanks for the compliment.|
How about this? The next time you are on this side of the pond, I offer myself as your personal full-time private dick? I'm sure I can be of service, somehow. As long as you are willing to have someone who is Mr. Hansen's height be seen with you!