I JUST DON'T GET IT, I REALLY DON'T!  

heavensent1123 52F
447 posts
9/27/2005 11:31 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

I JUST DON'T GET IT, I REALLY DON'T!


Before I go off on this rant let me say I'm not directing this at any one specific person, but making a general observation here.

Lots of men, both on this site and in the real world, I hear it over and over and over again, and I'm very quickly loosing any sympathy I may have had.

My Bit*h being married men that have affairs. I hear it ALL the time. The wife doesn't do it at home, lack of sex, not willing to try anything new, boring sex life, thats if your getting any to begin with, ect. ect. ect.

So, I ask the most obvious question, if it's that bad then why do you stay with her? I get... 1) well I'm hoping it will change or I was hoping it would change. 2) I love her but am unfulfilled in the sex department 3) kids (that ones usually the most easy to believe) 4) financial reasons 5) I don't want to hurt her. The list goes on but you get the general idea.

While I get the general premise that sex isn't everything in a relationship, and I readily agree with that statement, it does rank among the top 3. So, you sell your life short, giving up one of the top 3 things, running the risk of getting caught, which in turn will hurt her, which in turn will cost you financially, which in turn you may loose the kids, which in turn.....

The choices as I see it are easy enough, work it out or start walking. I'm not judging anybody, I've had a couple of affairs with married men, enough to know that I just don't want to go there. If the affair lasts a long time emotions and feelings get involved and then whos left hurt at the end. It just isn't worth it to me.

a_poetman 45M

9/27/2005 12:01 pm

My qualifications on this one: I'm married, had an affair, told the truth, made a better life together and still making it better.

My answer to your question, "if it's that bad then why do you stay with her?"

Sex is important. However, it is not the most important thing in my opinion. What I have built with my wife is so much more important to me then sex that I chose to go without another person's touch for well over 3 years. Some one on here just said in a blog that we all need some form of sex in our lives. I did too, and after pleading and begging for 3 years I went out and got some. Did I feel guilty? a little, but I was happy and it showed. There was no fighting in my house, no disagreements, and it occured to me. Sexual frustration can ruin a marriage just as much as infidelity. So we talked. Found out she had an affair too. Now...we can, if we choose, be with another. Have I since then, nope. Has she, nope. Neither one of us wants to know the other one's business when it comes to that. We want to accomplish our dreams and fulfill our fantasies with each other and that is true love. We have spoken about bringing another person into our bedroom, we have spoken about letting me watch her with another man, and me being with another woman while she watches. It bothers us both a little, but we're still young, and we are both still learning what pleases us.

I am not condoning adultry in any way, but everyones circumstances are different, and everyone has their own opinion about what sex really is. You can have sex with someone, and make love to another. In my opinion they are two totally different forms of expression and society has made us believe they are one and the same!

Please don't me mad at me, I just want to show you another side of the observation.

PS I Don't feel judged in any way, I've been a good little boy here! FYI!


rm_AvgButGood 49M
7 posts
9/27/2005 12:10 pm

Your points are valid, and given a perfect situation, I would begin to walk today. I agree that sex is NOT the top priority in a marriage, but I think it's right there at Nos 2 or 3.

My quick response is this, (two you've already mentioned) I cannot afford a divorce right now. My wife does not work and hasn't in six years. We've got about $20K in debt that would roll to me if I left. I have two kids I love dearly and cannot bare the thought of not seeing them everyday... but I'm working on that now too. The last issue is logistics. I absolutely HATE living in Florida. If I got the divorce, I feel that it would be easy for me to move away to fix my "hurt" and be too far from my children. Maybe #3 is a weak position that I'm holding onto, but until #'s 1 and 2 are resolved, #3 is on the back burner anyway.


heavensent1123 52F

9/27/2005 1:23 pm

ok again guys, I'm not making any judgements, just trying to figure you all out, which I should probably give up on. Again I did have an affair or 2 with married guys, so I'm not mother superior. Poet I'm definately not mad, no reason to be, actually your situation would probaly be perfect for alot of married couples, you know the open marriage arrangement. Some people can do that and some people can't. Whatever works for you and the wife, whos to judge? I just think that if it's a long-term affair than your playing with the other persons emotions and that isn't fair.


realmom2 58M/50F

9/27/2005 2:42 pm

I agree with you heavensent, long term affairs are not good for anyone, because emotions come into play. I don't have a problem with sex, because, to me anyway, sex is physical, and can be enjoyed without emotional commitment, as long as you leave it at that. I don't condone cheating, but sometimes both men and women need a little more sexual activity in there lives. Of course, some people do get carried away, and go off looking for it too often and in the wrong places, and that does indicate a problem. My husband and I love each other very much, but we do have an "open marriage", with the understanding that it's only for occasional physical pleasure with others, and nothing more. Niether one of us would ever do this without each other's consent, and will stop the instant one says it's time. But, long term affairs are out of the question. It's only sex.


redmustang91 57M  
8657 posts
9/27/2005 3:15 pm

I love my wife, but find I am bored with her limitations and the same sex partner for many years. So I am looking for an equally bored attached female or open minded one.


Tone_33756 55M

9/28/2005 7:26 am

It took me 2 full years to emotionally deal with losing my first long term girlfriend back in 1997. It was the most painfull thing I've ever lived through.
It took me about a year to get over my second long term girlfriend- not as intense as the first - but it still hurt - alot!
Y'all are right - long term, love based, relationships are playing with fire when you're married.
Keeping it casual, like real mom said, is the only ticket.
I have successfuly done it - and NOT SO successsfuly done it, in recent times.
It's extremely tricky - especially people prone to emotions, like myself.
Heaven, I think you did a marvelous job making your point and expressing your feelings in this area. I don't feel judged at all. I've grown to really like and respect you.
I look forward to reading your blogs and, of course, look forward to beating your butt in pool .
You are a special person - and don't forget it!


heavensent1123 52F

9/28/2005 11:10 am

LOL bring it on Tone!!!! Not sure right this minute if I'll be able to make the next M&G however, I'm off that night but at this point am trying to avoid certain people. If not this one than definately the next one.


jking112 51M

10/10/2005 6:17 am

Hi Heavensent. I agree with what you wrote. I want to share my experience, plus add one more option to your list.

I cheated during my marriage--a few times. Had the same tired old stories you listed. Although my family was hurt bcs I wasn't giving them my all, I was hurt the most bcs I had to carry that guilt around with me. I thought the excuses were real, but I was really just rationalizing my behavior, and I came to regret it.

I ended up meeting a girl I really liked and was very happy with. But instead of dumping the fam, I dumped her. I decided to try to achieve the same level of happiness with my then-wife. I worked at it, trying everything I knew how at the time, for 18 mos. When our basic philosophical life differences could not be resolved I tried one more thing. I openly let her know that I was willing to "stay together for the kids", but that I would have a lifestyle of my choosing, and I could come and go as I pleased. She was not willing, so I moved on.

As it turns out, it was a good thing to do. I am a better, happier person, and I am able to offer my kids a different way to view the world outside of her influence. (I travel a lot for work, and her materialism and status seeking was the only influence they had.)

So, again, in short, I agree with you. I think the standard "lines" you are hearing are a cop-out in most cases. (I'm sure not in some.) But, at a minimum, if sex is so bad INSIDE the marriage, try to have the sack to provide two options: agree to work on correcting it OR you have permission to go OUTSIDE the marriage---her choice.


SirMounts 102M

10/27/2005 1:26 am

Well, within a few percentage points, women have about as many affairs as Men. So, there must be something else causing it, like the... genes. Through the eons of our development, Men have had a stategy to spread their genes around as much as possible, while women have had a strategy of seeking the... best genes, if she sees some available. It actually worked well, until civilization came along. Of course, there are also other important things, like... keeping promises, for instance. It is also true that one should not make promises one cannot, or will not, keep.


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