saying goodbye  

heavenly_body39 60F
740 posts
4/26/2006 5:28 pm

Last Read:
4/30/2006 7:52 pm

saying goodbye

I have momentary fleeting thoughts, like mental vignettes of memories in past lives. Now, a reminder of his putting together my child's bed; there the memory of a comment thrown out in hasty rage.

Oh he did so much good for the life I was compelled to lead, and with an unshakeable sense of dread. I again see the writing etched in acid on the walls of my heart. He has been gone nearly a week with questions unasked and unanswered. It is like a little death, as incapable he is in answering, and as difficult I find it to ask them.

I fell in love in vignette-framed moments; his simple asking me to help in his search for freedom and integrity; driving his car with the top down singing old Frank Sinatra tunes, watching his utter focus while lining up a photographic shot; winning at blackjack in the warmth of his pride. Driving through the redwoods to find the bend in the road, laughing at the bear-handled mugs I now drink my coffee from.

And so I say good-bye in vignettes too. The nights we danced with disregard for the spectacle; the rope swing whooping like kids in the summer; the incredible focus on each other's pleasure; the sleepy friday breakfast meetings.

The anger and jealousy and pain and accusations and sorrow at not being able to have what we wanted. Those moments hit me like an ache and I grieve over what I could not ever have.

The vignettes have twisted their way into my mind and give my soul the depth it was seeking. I live a juicy, vibrant life due in part to his influence. This vibrancy I will carry with me forever.

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