Taking Stock  

heavenly_body39 60F
740 posts
9/2/2006 9:28 am

Last Read:
9/4/2006 3:29 pm

Taking Stock

It hit me like a slap on the face, stinging and sudden:

"I don't know, but it seems to me that your life is no better now than when you were married and living at home. After this year, could you make a list of positive/negatives and really say you've gained anything?"

It was delivered in the context of a friend calling another friend on their shit, and I took it as such. I also know he identifies more strongly with my ex husband because he was left, also. Nonetheless, I woke up this morning and it burned in my mind so that I had to write, to think about it for awhile.

What price freedom? What is the chronic cost of fearing, dreading going home? What does it mean to live a life where you can be who you need to be? How do you put a value on hope/potential for intimacy? What does it mean when you finally allow yourself the truth that you are in a marriage that feels cold and sexless, that you have slept apart for more than a month, that even when you did sleep together, he would turn his back in punishment?

Yes, you could blame the internet. But I believe this would be ludicrous. If I had had what I needed, asked for, wondered about, I would not have gone looking. Yes, I was starving for attention. Yes, I was incredibly lonely.

Today I have no huge desire to exhibit myself. I also know that I can create intimacy, that I can have sex with intimacy and get what I need. I never fear going home; I love my space, my freedom, my ability to control what little I can of my life. What price all of these things? How can I set up a list of pros/cons when there is no way to equally weigh freedom and hope?

I wrestle with guilt every day. I was addicted to a man who was toxic to me. I struggle financially, paying a mortgage and child support on a small salary. I have to take care of my life by myself. Yes it looks on the outside as though I gained little or nothing.

But, on the inside, which is the most important view, I know and live what I accomplished, every day.

ZZ_Todd 59M

9/2/2006 10:22 am

I don't think I could measure all my pros and cons either... I choose to just file them away, as memories or lessons learned, and try and make the best of each day.

TheRealThing655 48F
9558 posts
9/2/2006 9:46 pm

I relate so much to what you say...I'm not officially divorced yet..but I am just like you. If I had had what I needed I would not have gone looking either. I am so glad you are much happier...freedom and hope mean everything don't they?
I'll have to do a lot by myself too (and my 2 kids) but I feel stronger now than i have in a very long time.
Thanks for sharing this with us.

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