Repairing Friendships  

heavenly_body39 60F
740 posts
10/5/2005 7:50 am

Last Read:
3/21/2006 11:12 pm

Repairing Friendships

"I miss the fuck out of you," he said in a quiet chat room post. Although it was posted with subtlety, it was too public and my discreet heart winced.

He was one of my "April casualties"; one of several men I had been spending time with before meeting my guy. Because at the time I was like a sailboat in high wind without a rudder, I was not 'clean' or communicative about ending things. I simply stopped responding, leaving some hurt, angry, confused men to wonder about me. I hated that I did this; I blamed the casualness of this website, when in truth, it was more about me. I like to believe I am a better, bigger woman than this. I disliked how I hurt people during this tumultuous time of my life.

And so, I gently led him out of the room and into chat, bracing for the brunt of his anger and hurt. He absolved me; it was good to feel loved and yes, forgiven by this passionate, expressive man.

If I but take each day and start over with healing past hurts then I am back on track. I use this site very very carefully now, not ever wanting to hurt another soul.

A man once told me I run like poison through a man's veins. He too was a casualty, but of his own making. He imploded because he could not have me; it took him nearly a year to recover. But he admits to being a stronger, better man today, for all that pain, self-induced or not.

If I am to be in someone's veins, make me the antidote they unconsciously require...

kokpelli_999 61M

10/5/2005 5:28 pm

Is it the casualness or the annonymity of this website? The opportunity for unhonesty in communication can be irresistible. There is no accountablity here. If a person is emailed what obligation does the reciever have to respond? I've lost count of the unacknowledged e-mails I've sent here. I don't have any resentment, just an awareness. When I e-mail without expectation I experience no disappointment. When I do receive a response it brings me the same intrigue as the first spring crocus.
Here we can be who we think we want to be.
quid pro quo
A single individual sincerely searches for a LTR with the exclusive criteria of married/attached/seperated? What emotions is such an individual dealing with? Obviously denile and and possibly deceit come to mind. Is this individuals conflicts obvious in their e-mails?
I reread some of your earlier posts Heavenly. I compared them to this one. I think you're doing well. Best.....Kok

heavenly_body39 60F
157 posts
10/5/2005 8:06 pm

mmm you too


grino3 42M
17 posts
10/5/2005 8:48 pm

My...My arn't we just full of ourselves today,,,,Does everyone on your blog kiss your ass in an attempt to get close to you,,,in some way,, One makes a mistake once with there actions,,,thats a pardonable act,,,but to do it over and over and blame this form of comunication,,,, Well as they say on my street,,," She anit all that"

kokpelli_999 61M

10/5/2005 11:36 pm

grino, grino, grino. Such an angry young man! What is it about your sense of self worth that provokes you to attack two individuals communication? Your poor spelling is indicative of a least one challenge you may want to deal with. Either you don't care, or you are emotionally stressed. After giving it careful thought I think the most appropriate response to your comment that you may understand is "Go fuck your self" But before you do that, prove me wrong and apologize to the originator of this post.

Heavenly if this comment detracts from your post please delete it.


heavenly_body39 60F
157 posts
10/6/2005 12:58 am

ouch grino, looks like i hit a nerve somewhere in my original post. could it be you recognized yourself in there, somewhere? no i do not think i am 'all that' but you seem quite reactive to some thoughts that make you burn.

grino3 42M
17 posts
10/6/2005 7:54 am

I do have to apologize Heavenly,,,,that response was for someone else and somehow ended up in your blog,,,,,,I guess it is now my turn to kiss your behind and ask for forgiveness,,,,,,,I am truly sorry,,,,Grino
And Kok thanks for the slap to the side of the head,,,,,

heavenly_body39 60F
157 posts
10/6/2005 4:28 pm

grino, hmmm...apology accepted.

i have to say, though, that you remind me of a certain fellow i once knew in california, marin county to be exact.

and you don't need to kiss my behind...i do not require it if apologies are sincerely given. of course, i do like having my ass kissed in other contexts, but this is a topic for another day.

grino3 42M
17 posts
10/6/2005 7:05 pm

Never been there,,,,,Flown out of SFO a number of times,,,,Went to UC Berkeley for two years,,,,,,I gotten that a number of times from other woman that i remind them of someone,,,,,,In some of your blog writtings you remind me of someone,,,,but your pic's prove to me your not that woman,,,,,,she was taller than you,,,,,,again,,,sorry about the confusion over the post,,,,,,,

tillerbabe 55F

10/6/2005 7:07 pm

Heavenly -

Been there, done that, still "doin" it's done to me.

I've learned not to have expectations except for myself. People "do" the best they can - they don't "set out" to hurt another person when it comes to relationships.

Kok- I don't think this environment is that much different than the "real" world, (if you consider this unreal). People can display honesty and dishonesty, unaccountability, accountability in any environment.

"A single individual sincerely searches for a LTR with the exclusive criteria of married/attached/seperated? What emotions is such an individual dealing with? Obviously denile and and possibly deceit come to mind."

-Not necessarily, if they attract the same. I have a girlfriend that is on here - she's married, her husband knows she's on here - her husband has "longterm relationships" with other women and she does the same with men. There are many possibilities that haven't been thought of.....we only have our experiences to "predict future behavior" but we must be open to things we have never experienced or thought of.....

tillerbabe 55F

10/6/2005 8:05 pm

And "Grino"-

I must comment. Kudos to you for stepping up and apologizing, but even if you "mis-placed" your post.

It wasn't "kewl" - no matter who it was meant for.

Those kinds of comments are best left for "emails".

Just my peaceful opinion. {=}

Become a member to create a blog