Delusional  

heavenly_body39 60F
740 posts
10/21/2005 6:31 am

Last Read:
7/12/2006 11:09 am

Delusional

and insecure...but really, in a relationship, it goes both ways. Can you believe it is the dynamic between two people that creates the feelings between them?; emotions do not generally exist in a vaccuum, they are a two-way channel.

So I tell him when I have a beverage with someone; he wants to know. In fact, I have modified my behaviors because I know it will disturb him if I do go meet someone; so I have basically stopped seeing other people, at all. Yet, he is privy to lunches with an ex, 'best friend for 9 years' because she manages an institution where he keeps some of his investments, and does not feel the need to tell me. Because, of course, isn't the message to me: "you tell me, but I do not have to tell you because she came long before you and she is considerably more important"...oh, and btw, he is in love with her, available or not.

So I am called paranoid; lacking in self-confidence.When so much of our conversations are about how beautiful, juicy, or hot another woman is. Oh yes, I crave equal time; I love to hear how beautiful, sexy, wonderful a lover I am, and rarely do. I do hear I am 'attractive' but dammit I do want more!! And I want it without being told I have no self-confidence! I curl up inside just a bit when we have this kind of conversation.

So I end up feeling needy and insecure, while he tells me he will begin to go looking. A part of me wishes to tell him good luck; you won't find another like me...and another part takes pause...

I am, as usual, so confused.


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