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Dark Mornings
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Oct 23, 2005 7:22 am
937 Views
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Here it is early on a Sunday morning and it is still before dawn. It is feeling increasingly like Fall, as it should, since it is almost Halloween.
Living in the moment as I do at times has its disadvantages...when needed to plan events, as an example. I realized last weekend that the holiday season is arriving quickly, and I had better plan so that I do not find myself, painfully, alone. Or worse...with strangers who do not really care.
Happy Sunday, everyone! May it be as gorgeous as your Saturday!
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I Censor Myself..do you?
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Oct 21, 2005 7:51 am
953 Views
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How many times, you bloggers, do you write, then delete posts for being too hard for your readers to take? Or perhaps, too personal??
I have done this 4 times since beginning this blog.
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Delusional
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Oct 21, 2005 6:31 am
179 Views
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and insecure...but really, in a relationship, it goes both ways. Can you believe it is the dynamic between two people that creates the feelings between them?; emotions do not generally exist in a vaccuum, they are a two-way channel.
So I tell him when I have a beverage with someone; he wants to know. In fact, I have modified my behaviors because I know it will disturb him if I do go meet someone; so I have basically stopped seeing other people, at all. Yet, he is privy to lunches with an ex, 'best friend for 9 years' because she manages an institution where he keeps some of his investments, and does not feel the need to tell me. Because, of course, isn't the message to me: "you tell me, but I do not have to tell you because she came long before you and she is considerably more important"...oh, and btw, he is in love with her, available or not.
So I am called paranoid; lacking in self-confidence.When so much of our conversations are about how beautiful, juicy, or hot another woman is. Oh yes, I crave equal time; I love to hear how beautiful, sexy, wonderful a lover I am, and rarely do. I do hear I am 'attractive' but dammit I do want more!! And I want it without being told I have no self-confidence! I curl up inside just a bit when we have this kind of conversation.
So I end up feeling needy and insecure, while he tells me he will begin to go looking. A part of me wishes to tell him good luck; you won't find another like me...and another part takes pause...
I am, as usual, so confused.
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Don
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Oct 20, 2005 1:00 am
1008 Views
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...the sound of a woman cumming?? Especially if she is in your bed?
And the sound of a man cumming is so erotic to me...his final, pinacled peak, scaled; his final letting go of his life energy/sperm wantonly and deliciously used...that listening can trigger my own orgasm.
Give me noisy, appreciative, enthusiastic lovers!
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Opportunity
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Oct 18, 2005 8:02 am
1083 Views
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I think a major difference that men and women have to contend with, particularly on this website is an imbalance of opportunity...
Women have multiple opportunities to create sexual trysts...they simply open their mailboxes and offers gush out. I think it is like being at an 'all you can eat buffet'. So women learn to turn down opportunities on a regular basis.
Men, however, get so few opportunities that they have not the skill (nor inclination, undoubtedly) to turn down an opportunity when it presents itself.
I am not 'male bashing' here, in any way, but I *AM* curious about how often men find themselves turning down an opportunity to have sex with an attractive woman? Especially if in a monogamous, or even pseudo-monogamous relationship?
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Wondering
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Oct 18, 2005 7:45 am
882 Views
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I have the type of mind that rarely stops wondering, questioning, probing, analyzing. I have been called 'intense' on one too many occasions to doubt its accuracy.
So, I have an intensity and passion about me; some people fear it. I can be highly intimidating to those who are not sure. I do not mean to be offensive but inadvertently I can be: I have learned as an adult that apologizing sincerely, gracefully, is a necessary life skill.
And so, I wonder, this morning, if any of my words 'ring true' with any of you?
Does your intensity of mind land you in hot water?
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Free
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Oct 16, 2005 6:39 pm
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I looked up at a glorious fall-colored maple tree across the soccer field where my daughter's team was struggling and caught a sudden inhale of relief.
I am free. I can choose whom to spend the evening with, and where to go. I no longer have to go to a home where the tension is so thick; the questions never get asked; the blame is like a thick blanket, smothering, hot in the icy stillness.
Ah but what price freedom? In the next inhale comes pain, guilt, anxiety so sharp it feels like terror.
There he is, apart from the rest of the parents in the stands. He avoids looking at me; talking to me only to cover business-like dealings concerning logistics and kids. He looks gray and small, old and somehow defeated, and a part of my heart gives way in sympathy.
I am who I am because of my choices...how simple the sentence, how incredibly intricate the concept. I remind myself of my freedom as I drive home to My Place.
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Anal Sex
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Oct 15, 2005 10:08 am
975 Views
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Italy, continued...
Ok, I am taking a diversion here to discuss a favorite topic of mine: anal play.
It had long been a fantasy of mine to play anally. The night before I hit I-90 westbound to make my pilgrimage to the PNW, my boyfriend and I went to a drive-in porn movie theater. The movie was called "Angel Buns"...an angel came down from heaven to teach this guy how to have anal sex. It was very erotic to me, but having had no anally-experienced lovers, I never played this way. My marriage did not include experimental sex, so for most of my adult life I have had anal fantasies but never carried them out.
Until I discovered AOL adult chat rooms, figured out how to take and post pictures, and began to chat...two years ago. I was still married, but very unhappy.
I met a young medical student on AOL, studying at Cornell, and he began educating me about anal sex. He sent me several informative, useful websites, and discussed with me in detail the medical repercussions of anal play. In fact the detail was so explicit at times that he would have to stop to jerk off mid-discussion...
What he shared with me, and what I read from online information was enough to reassure me that anal play can be very safe...highly erotic...and fun. It requires an open mind and good hygiene, but beyond this, the sky's the limit. I began to experiment using my nubby g vibrator and plenty of lube. I met a man who loved me to play on cam anally so I did...at times opening up my yahoo cam anonymously in a chat room to other viewers.
With time and some patient, and not-so -patient lovers, I began realtime anal play. I discovered I had a 'gift' for it; my muscle control after so many years of athletics allowed me to focus and completely relax. I was told by one particularly oral man that when he rimmed me, I opened as much as 5/8 inch...like a flower.
But in our culture generally anal sex and anal play among heteros is still mostly considered 'kinky' almost 'taboo'. I encounter squeamish people on a regular basis...but in Italy, apparently, all holes get equal time and most younger people at least engage in it.
Which leads me to the next chapter...
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Patience
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Oct 15, 2005 9:42 am
777 Views
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How many times in my life lately have I reacted impatiently? With my daughters... drivers on the road... my ex... my friends...
But mostly with myself. I react reflexively in my typical knee-jerk style when if I had paused but a moment longer the results of my impulsivity might have much fewer consequences.
I take the girl-child within me and I tell her I want to hold her despite her anxiety and fear. She immediately loses her girly bravado and melts in my arms. Her fear drives her impatience during this strange, tumultuous time, and makes her frustratingly clingy. So she says, in her little-girl whisper, but my reassurance calms her storm and she rises to begin the adventure of a new day.
I will try to be more patient with every one today, including moronic drivers lol...
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Merlot-Hued Lace
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Oct 14, 2005 11:40 am
772 Views
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Italy, continued...
The lingerie I was wearing that night had special significance to me. ( I had been quite rejected the first night I had worn it, on a previous December evening, by my husband. I mean, ignored even when I asked for help unzipping my dress...it still makes me hurt.) I wear that lingerie now as a reminder of how far I have traveled...
But that night, in Bologne, I was not being ignored. We went back to the hotel room and I asked Renzo to help me unzip my dress, leaving my thong-clad tush clearly obvious. I then quickly stripped and ducked into the shower, telling him I needed to shave: 'would you like to help?'
'sure!' he replied, and hurried with his own shaving (he laughed later when telling me he had shaved in record time...he had a well-trimmed goatee, as seemed to be the fashion among young Italian men.) I heard the curtain open and close, and turned around to hand Renzo my razor as the warm spray cascaded down my back. He knelt and took the razor from my hand, then began to work. One swipe of the blade later he had his fingers in my pussy; looked up at me as the water splashed on his face, dark eyes, wide wide wide..
I met his gaze and he exclaimed, "Oh My GOD!!" then called out my name as he rose to his feet, kissing me passionately in that warm water. I began a low humming moan which I do when extremely aroused and he turned me around, bent me over, and took my ass in one quick thrust. I felt his warm cum, even warmer than the shower water, spurt on my back minutes later as he howled in ecstasy. Momentarily drained, he soaped me up, rinsed me off and took me to bed.
I think he had meant to take my pussy but, in the end, all things being equal, it did not matter.
(BTW we had had the safe sex discussion on the way home...)
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Italian Pizza
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Oct 13, 2005 5:41 pm
782 Views
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Italy, cont.
So I am in my hotel room in Bologne, Italy...Renzo had brought in my bags and helped me settle in. I was really tired and suggested I lie down for a few minutes before dinner.
I was wearing a simple pleated little black dress; conservative but more like a mademoiselle than a grande dame...underneath a lacy merlot-colored bra and thong. We lay on the bed not touching; he watched tv (I loved Italian tv) while I pretended to nap. He took a couple of business calls and made a call to friends to cancel his plans with them. His voice was pleasant to listen to.
As I rose from the bed to prepare for our evening out I let my skirt fall back to show some of my thigh. I knew he noticed but was pretending not to. I was pleased by this crack in his self-restraint but I made no comment and did not flirt in an obvious way.
He held my hand while crossing the street at the pizza place but did let go as soon as we made it to the curb. I wondered how to let this man know of my growing interest, given the obvious language barrier...we communicated adequately, he in heavily accented English, me in horrible Italian. He found my attempts at his language comical but was thrilled to discover that I had more natural skill speaking his native Sicilian.
Dinner was at a huge, brightly lit family-filled pizza place. The 4-cheese pizza that I ordered was simple but amazingly good, made in a wood-fired oven. By this point, however, despite the din, there was so obvious chemistry flowing and my appetite was stifled. I ate maybe 4 bites of this huge pizza; he was appalled. 'You eat like bird,' he said, scornfully.
Then we began talking in metaphor. I teased him about being hawklike in his fierceness. He called me a rabbit. I mentioned that hawks ate rabbits; he pointed out that he had been circling, watching me. I agreed. He said, he was polite, he would not catch the rabbit. And I enjoined, 'but what if the rabbit wants to be caught?'
He asked me to repeat myself, which I did. And when my words moved into his comprehension, his face, held tight for so long, suddenly broke into a wicked grin. Renzo lowered his chin, looked sideways at me, and said, 'the rabbit wishes to be caught??' I grinned back.
Within moments, we paid the bill and left the restaurant. To this day, i regret that I had not eaten more of that pizza. He took my arm as we headed to the car and were back in the hotel room within thirty minutes...
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"It
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Oct 13, 2005 6:13 am
841 Views
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...'n cut a six inch valley through the middle of my soul...at night I wake up with the sheets soakin wet, and a freight train's runnin through the middle of my head..."
I'm on Fire.
Bruce Springsteen writes about desire and passion like few musical artists have. I woke up with the words of that song in my head, tossing, turning, aching this October morning.
But I am also filled with a sense of adventure at th e path before me. It has been quite a trip; I will keep writing until this furious need to explore ends.
Look out World!
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Who will help me ?
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Oct 12, 2005 5:44 pm
763 Views
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Make it to 300 comments? I confess, I am fascinated by the numbers as I watch you read me...
hugs and kisses !
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To link to this blog (heavenly_body39) use [blog heavenly_body39] in your messages.
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