Within My Grasp  

rm_harshawj 51M
761 posts
6/29/2005 10:19 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Within My Grasp

For the last few days I have had some time to get my head on straight. I have been in motion, working, lecturing, programming, bar tending, some blogging, lots of reading, chatting and emailing, and about a dozen other things. I barely have any time to get centered. I wake at 5:45am and don't seem to get any sleep till 1am. It is taking it's toll.

But then again it is a good thing. I have solved many things on my mind and I have made decisions. I have found that I have a lighter load today. I seem to be more focused and more at ease. Work and thoughtful purpose have a way of producing clarity in a time when things may seem to be whirling out of hand.

I have also made a decision that I know may have hurt someone, but I have to do what I have to do. I also have to say what I have to say and while I know this person may read this post, it is what is on my mind and I have to tell about it.

They say confession is good for the soul, and these blogs are about the most public confessionals that one can seek absolution in. In a confessional there is privacy, and while the anonymity of the blog protects me and the ones I write about, the ones I do write about know who they are and if a statement or sentiment is found hurtful, I am sorry, but this is what I am feeling. If you do not want to know what I have to say or confess then please pick another blog, but I am going to write what I will.

One of the things that has happened to me is that I have met someone here on AdultFriendFinder and I am intoxicated with my wonder for her. She is bright, caring, sexy, emotional, and all the things I am desiring in a person. She and I have talked and chatted and emailed and all I know is that I must meet her. And with every passing conversation and email and chat that feeling grows more and more intense. The only problem, we are separated by a thousand miles and that is an obstacle I have chosen to overcome.

My curiosity and emotions for her are such that I have booked a flight to her and we will see what we shall see. But I have a very inexplicable feeling that I am absolutely doing the right thing. Have you ever met someone and you know that this person is special to you? You know it down to the very depths of you. You do not know what it is that is making you feel that way, but you do feel it? Well, that is what I am feeling right now.

Some may think that I am being a fool for romance and that this is just another effort on my part to find myself in someone else. But this is not the case. I mean I have been called a fool for another on this blog before, but you know what, in the case where I was called a fool for what I did, the person I did it for was very touched and moved that I undertook a task for her without being asked. I do not know about you, I like doing things for people if I know they will appreciate it. There is a great satisfaction in knowing that you are cheering someone and that in turn lifts your spirits.

One personal friend thinks this a fabulous idea and he was shocked and happy for me for “living it on the edge”, claiming that once I got the taste for the edge I would want it all the time. I do not know about the edge in this case, but for me this is very unusual and he sees it as part of my growth. He seems to think I am doing this as part of my personal reaffirmation of self after my divorce but can find no problem in doing it. I don’t know about that either. I have recovered from the divorce as best I can (there will always be a part of me that mourns my previous marriage, but I have gotten to the stage where I can look at it without regrets) and I know that there are still good things to come for me in this life. I have spread my wings again and am looking for the highs I know I can find.

It is plain that certain paths are becoming clearer and others are fading, but I now know that while a path may fade it does not mean it goes away, there is always a trail back and an opportunity to clear those old paths should the path I am on dead end. And if I cannot pick up the old path there is an new path just ahead. But I want this path that I am turning on to work like I have not wanted in a long time.

Can two people really know each other just from a few phone calls and a few words (or in my case a few thousand) in an email or two dozen? I do not know, but I am lifted by the thought that there are many successful matches made through this electronic medium we call the Internet. My best she friend in the whole world met her husband over the internet, then have been married for eight years and have two kids and are very happy. I know that TexasRoseNTX met her last husband over the web and they were very happy but for tragic circumstance that ended that relationship. And there are others. Many firm and stable relationships established through words and calls all initiated over the Internet.

Can I be so lucky to have found my match? I do not know but there is this very happy feeling within me and I have to please my curiosity on this point. I must take this path. A path I must explore for my fascination for her is so strong that not to follow it would leave me with regrets for the rest of my life. And I want to be able to say at the end of my life, “Yes, I have regrets from early on. But as for later in life I have no regrets concerning anything that was within my grasp to do anything about.”


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
6/30/2005 12:42 am

Yep, I wouldn't be on AdultFriendFinder if I didn't believe in second chances and do hope that my beau is truly the man of my dreams and I am the woman of his dreams for all eternity and then some!!

I do think that as we grow older and wiser we chose our risks very carefully. They may seem on the outside to folks looking inward that this person is crazy for acting so spontaneous, but, on the inside, I am sure that you have weighed the factors very carefully.

Best of luck with your pursuit!!


rm_Tigress0069 48F
5 posts
6/30/2005 4:41 am

Does she know you booked a flight to see her? Some people are really good at playing the online game.


sincitybrunette 55F
1668 posts
6/30/2005 10:09 am

You say confession is good for the soul and that these blogs are the most public confessionals there are. Well let me make a little confession myself. I love the way you write and how you bare your all in those writings. I completely understand how you feel and how you must find out for yourself what those feelings are. You have to understand how others in your little scenario feel too. You confess that you know you may have to hurt someone, but it is something you have to do. If you are so sure that you are going to hurt that person, why would you say what you have to say here and not directly to her. The path that you feel is becoming clearer may actually be the path that you should be on but what happens if it is not. Is there really always a trail back and that opportunity to clear those old paths if the one you take is not the one you desire. You said in a previous post that you leave behind one who understands but is she not the one that you are about to hurt? And you must remember that even though she understands that you must do what you must do, that hurt will not be easily forgotten......


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