Torn  

rm_harshawj 51M
761 posts
6/23/2005 9:47 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Torn

I am not good company today. There are issues that I am not sure how to address today and I think I need to just sleep on it.

Usually if I just start writing about these issues they just work themselves out, but I can not put my finger on what exactly is bothering me. I know it is complex and not too terrible, but it is bothering me. I am torn between just writing stream of consciousness or just to sleep on it.

For some reason I am not feeling the stream of consciousness thing. When I get in that mode I want to be surprised by what I write, but I feel now that I DO NOT want the revelation. It is very strange; it is like I am hiding something from myself. Something that I do not want myself to know, some realization that is life altering. Yes, in fact it may be one of those little (or huge) epiphanies that alter your life. You know the ones, like when a relationship was over, or you knew when you were an adult, or that you couldn't eat garlic anymore. The type of thing that has to be incorporated into your very outlook on life. AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

OK, so I just did the stream of consciousness thing... did it get me anywhere, and I am doing it now. OK, so what did not wanting to know tell me. Yes, it is life changing and no, I may not like what I have to face.

For some reason I think it is about relationships, they are on my mind. I can rule out the one with my ex, that is over and never going to happen again (as long as I can help it.) It is not about a former lover (call her S) for the same reason, it is over and I do not want to think about how that would turn out if I were to re-address that liaison.

That leaves one of three interesting people I may be trying to sort out. The first is a current lover. I find her very compatible on many levels and I would like to explore that path with her more, but maybe our being apart as much as we are is stifling this and it is hurting.

The next is a woman that I have talked (chatted/emailed) to and we have a whole lot in common. In fact we have a ton in common and I like her a bunch, but we have not really met, just talked.

The third is a person that I seem to know on a level that the other two are not. She gets my writing and we have bantered emails about over the last week. I have poured out to her things I may not have told others, and though we are parted by a great distance, I want to know her. Heck, I have not even heard her voice, the emails seems to be doing so well for us at this point, I think I am shy about taking it to even the chatting on the phone level.

Now I am thinking about another (I know, I seem to have alot of others) and we will call her K. She was one of those people that sneak up on you. We had met before there was S and then we did not connect until after S. But K was one of those who really got to me. I mean we talked for hours and hours on subjects that ranged in diversity and depth, anything from quantum physics to our favorite Beetles lyrics. But she was coming off another lover and our time together was cut short when she realized that he was the one she wanted to pursue. I was devastated. I know that relationship is over too, but I do miss it.

Maybe it is all the paths that are before me. I had a similar situation, I think, when I met my ex for the first time, it could have been her or her friend sitting right next to her. Two paths before me and I was to just choose and my life would be different.

And then again, about five months later. My best friend (we will call her C) and I had a brief (non-intamate) flirtation and again, I was offered a choice, my ex or C. Choose one and the path of my life changes.

So here I am. I am offered choices and maybe I am afraid to make one. Each path is different and very enticing for its’ own reason. I stand here and I do not know what to do. I don't want to know what to do because I am afraid that I may make a mistake like I did in the past with my ex. I do not think I can bare another LTR that crumbs and leaves me broken again. It was all I could do to get up from that shattered marriage. I do not know if I can do it again.

I know that if I do not risk love I can never attain love. I know that if I loose the chance to choose now my paths may be diminished. I do not have enough information to know the right path, but then again we never have enough information. The ways of the heart are such that intellect is blinded by what the heart wants.

I know that I am ready for another long term relationship. I loved my shattered marriage for what it was and the support (when there) that was offered. I do not know who to talk to about this. My best other best friend (call him N) is 300 miles away and a phone call will not do. I would love to talk to C, but I do not know if she wants to discuss this, she knew and knows how I feel about her and always will.

Do I talk to all three people of my interest? If I do I risk loosing one or more of my choices.

I do not like being alone and some times now it takes all I am to accept that I am alone for the time being or even the foreseeable future.

I don’t know. I just do not know. My intellect is useless here and my heart is being obstinate. I have to know. Maybe I should just be spontaneous and see where that gets me. I really hate closing down options at this point in my life, but maybe I have to to continue on. I need a clear path I think, and I do not know which path it is.

AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!


wyvernrose 38F
3895 posts
6/23/2005 11:17 pm

Boney underwent a similar confusion this week, although not on the same issue....

thankyou for the insight

WyvernRose


shebaby23 54F
29 posts
6/24/2005 2:58 am

Dayummmm....that song'..."headin' down the road tryin' to looosin' my load...7...women on my mind..."..one..thing'...you know'...the Take It Easy'....one...yeah..that's it..just heard it in my head as I was readin' your...ummmm...flow...wish you well in whomever you choooose to..ummmm...do..??? lol..sorry' smart ass mood...and hello to you too...great pic'...sorry' not great at offerin' advice just a song' n' a smile' maybe a bit' of a chuckle??? shebaby'...hey...lucky I dont' live closer....could be worse...could give ya another female...to ponder...lol...


rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
6/24/2005 3:17 am

sorry, i just don't understand why you have to choose?? take many paths and you will see many things and all of them will be new, teaching, learning, growing and opening up infinity ... o, well, maybe that's just my opinion... as i said before, love cannot be divided, it only multiplies...



[blog freelove999]


rm_jayR63 59F
1884 posts
6/24/2005 8:29 am

You say you do not like being alon.
That's not a good thing.
When women are that way, they're called "needy".
Value your own company first, then enhance it with the company of others.


sincitybrunette 55F
1668 posts
6/24/2005 3:27 pm

You are obviously torn between three women that have some significant meaning in your life. Why must you make a choice NOW? Let things happen day to day and see where that might take you. You might be pleasantly surprised!


rm_QuietEyez 46F

6/24/2005 4:42 pm

Confusion is created when our mind is trying to tell our heart what to do.

anxiousness? Trying to figure out what your heart has not yet decided.

Never force the decision, let life lead you, things happen, bad or good, with reasons and destiny.

Enjoy the ride, it may take you where you never knew life could be so good, Relax your mind, and let your heart take charge.


wyvernrose 38F
3895 posts
6/24/2005 7:11 pm

lol harshaw nothing wrong with a scab although ugly they have their purpose and it's a good one

WyvernRose


silvertongue65 52M
31 posts
6/27/2005 10:20 am

Holy Shee-it!... and I thought it was just another simpy metaphysical dicussion you were referring to! OK I can appreciate the gravity of the situation (things are always heavier in the future{Dr. Emmet Brown})and look forward to hearing more in person when you and your friend (call him N) get to discuss it. What a conundrum!


rm_txrose4uNTX 57F
3289 posts
6/27/2005 12:05 pm

Definately some tough choices. The Eagles song is a good one that does come to mind. I would suggest to go with the one that stimulates both your mind and soul, one that you could see sitting beside you talking from sunset to sundawn and still feel good, as well as seeing your self doing this when you are both old and gray.

That has always been one of my ultimate goals...One the reasons I have revised my profile right now is because I do want to see what happens in a particular direction with someone that I have become to know at a level that I have not been at with anyone else in a very long time - our souls seemed to have touched in a peculiar way which is indeed exciting and stimulating.

Sounds like some tough choices....

ttml...


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