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Miasma Of Thoughts
Miasma Of Thoughts
It has been an interesting day. I have been thinking about many things and my thoughts are all over the place.
On one hand I was worried for a friend, she had a rough day yesterday and I do not know if my words helped or hurt her situation. Then there is another friend that has Leukemia and she wanted to talk tonight. It was a long and difficult talk as well, and again, I do not know if I was successful in helping with words, but at least she was happy to see me and we parted on a good note.
Still on my mind is the struggle I am enduring over the paths I want to explore. I know that I am going to adventure forth and take a look at one path though it is far a field, but here at home I still wrestle with the “do no harm” issue. Dealing with the intellectual aspects of the struggle are a lot easier than the emotional ties that I am feeling, but deal with them I must. I know intellectually there is not an issue here, but the emotions are still there are they are strong and deeply rooted. This is not something I am likely to change about myself in any short order. I feel compelled sometimes (well, almost always) to take responsibility for the reactions that others feel. I know that I cannot be like that, but I seem to be apologizing for the negative reactions others feel. God, is that wishy washy or what?
And then there is the trip I plan to make in a few days, and while I am greatly anticipating it, I can not help feel that there is a tarnish to it knowing how others are looking at it. Again, I know that there are many urging me forward, “Just Do It” and all, but the person I am leaving is shading the experience for me, and I do not know if it is not in some way my own fault for wanting to know their thoughts. I asked for it, now I am stewing in it. Ignorance is truly bliss sometimes.
Waiting for me at the end of my long flight is a very special person. One that I get on an intellectual and emotional level the likes I have not had in a long time. But is it enough? I do not know and that is why I make the trip. Indeed, if the physical aspect is there, this may be the way my life bends itself, this new love. And at this point I am hoping that when I do arrive my cares are swept away and thoughts of others are a distant thunder, there, but mostly noted and then gone. I want to devote my full attention to this new and amazing path not bogged by the thoughts of others. She deserves that kind of attention. I deserve that kind of clarity.
Am I selfish in wanting the best? I know that I am, I deserve it. And if this sounds selfish, I ask myself how could I like myself if I were to just settle and never know what could be? These are all easy things to think about, but on an emotional level they are harder to reconcile. We are all taught from an early age not to be selfish, share and share alike. But what we are rarely taught and only find out after much thought and experience is that it is ok to not share once in a while. Especially when it comes to your happiness.
Good people are supposed to make other people happy. When one is all about making ones’ self happy they are called selfish, or other not so pleasant appellations. Maybe I fear these not so kind appellations. Maybe I could get used to just making myself happy. Maybe I have some deep-seated concerns still covered in my unconscious. I do not know, maybe I am obsessive compulsive about my image to others or even myself. I do seem to like to know what people think of me, but then again doesn’t everyone? We all want to know if people like us, find us interesting, and are engaged by us.
So here I sit wishing I could go off and have a good time unencumbered by the thoughts that I am having and not being likely to rid. Wishing that I were less who I am and more the innocent idiot. Wishing that my mind would just close down that compartment that is thinking, maybe too much, about the consequences of my actions.
And all this even though seemingly the big choice I was going to have to make has been taken away from me leaving but a single road now for me to walk. A single road and a simple decision, is this the person I want to devote more time to and maybe once again risk the type of relationship I so crave.
And now it comes into focus, for there is another path, the common path that I am on right now, the path of single male on the quest for another. It is one I have grown to know, and it is a path that I can live with but would prefer not to. It is a fallback, and not a bad one, just not the preferred on. For the truth of the matter is we are always on a path and though we may not always recognize it and know where it is going it is going somewhere. It must.
And now I go off and think some more. But I think I want to loose myself in some warm water and maybe pick up a book and read. Let my mind wander and refresh itself, for today has not been the best on record for me and I may have been overly critical. I have once again the self-doubts that seem to plague my very existence. The type of doubts that yearn to be soothed with a “It’s going to be OK” and a warm hug. This from someone I trust so well and would put my life in their hands and trust them so completely that I know for certain that their word must be true. But alas, I do not have that person in my life right now so must just muddle through it and keep telling myself, “It’s going to be OK.”
7/7/2005 5:47 pm
SO many question's and yet only yourself who can answer them, Others opinions and advice, though only that can give you more options, I wish you the best of luck with your mind battle. A trick i always use, a long drive early in the morning, under the stars before the sun or the traffic gets up, windows down, music low.|