Funnies  

harpie8 48F
109 posts
9/22/2005 12:44 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Funnies


Ok I haven't posted anything in a while so its time to get off my ass and get something going on here. Nothing mushy this time though, I'll try something funny instead. Hope you get a chuckle out of these.

Puns...........

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... "A super calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis"!

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

beewulf9 38M

9/23/2005 5:40 am

Thank you Harpie, those were some amusing puns.


rm_wideopen57 59M

9/23/2005 8:40 am

Well done Harpie!!!! Reminds me of the good ol' days of stand up one liner comedians. Perfect way to begin the first day of Autumn!


Shadow_Dragon 60M

9/29/2005 10:13 am

Thanks for the smiles .. even a few chuckles

May you always have a good laugh... every day.


rm_bucknaked580 54M

10/1/2005 2:53 pm

Made me laugh after a very long day.... hey, can I use some of these?


harpie8 48F

10/2/2005 3:46 am

Glad you all liked them. Everybody needs a good laugh every now and then. Go ahead, use them, share them, make more people happy.


Tejinashi 45M

10/3/2005 11:50 am

THese remind me of the questions I've been collecting for awhile now. Anyone know the answers ?

-If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
-If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
-If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
-You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
-Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
-If a security guard has a party, does he let other people in ?
-Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
-How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
-Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
-Why is abbreviation such a long word?
-If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
-When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
-If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
-When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
-What's another word for thesaurus?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
-If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
-If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
-If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

And before anyone asks, no - these things don't keep me awake at night. Thoughts or presence of beautiful women do....

-Tej


rm_BennBJ 57M/51F
1 post
10/5/2005 10:17 am

hehehehehehehehe....omg.....needed the laughs today!!! Thanks harpie and yeah thanks to the philospher Tej!!!!....now if i can only remember some of these....
Benn


Muffinman_neal 52M
56 posts
10/27/2005 7:54 am

Love the list Harpie, nice to have a chuckle in the am.


kvirt 65M
1 post
11/11/2005 4:05 pm

I've never been to a blog site before. Thanks for the chuckle, lass. And here's one for you in return.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night,
she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


youngjessejames 32M

11/14/2005 8:26 am

hey hey, thats funny stuff, keep up the humour. I'm kinda new at this, but I'm only a standard member. If you want to chat a bit, you can get me at justin40


finally101 56F
3 posts
12/13/2005 4:35 am

Cute real cute lol ty


rm_McLick37 47M

1/19/2006 11:23 am

Thanks Harpie, those were funny. I especially liked the Gandhi pun.
McLick


RockPebble 69M
2485 posts
1/26/2006 5:45 pm

Just found your blog but you haven't been here in months. Thanks for the jokes.


yourwelcome2006 46M
1 post
4/2/2006 9:05 am

I liked the jokes yes.


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