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My first Affair
My first Affair
Over the past year, my wife grew cold to our friend. She didn’t seem to be having as much fun as she used to when the three of us got together. She didn’t want her around as much, but I liked having her with us. It made my life fuller because I had someone to talk to and share with. Maybe my wife sensed what our friend and I didn’t, that we were becoming too close, and my wife was afraid of loosing me. She should be afraid. I told her straight out several times that I need her to talk and joke with me and that she is loosing me. The lack of communication is drying up my soul.
The whole thing is easier to see now in retrospect, than it was as it unfolded. So many little things pile up so gradually that you don’t even notice it happening. I was like the frog in the pot, and the heat was turned up so slowly that I didn’t feel the water around me beginning to boil.
Some examples include: my wife wouldn’t want to go to a certain restaurant I wanted to go to. Our friend did. Our friend wanted to see the movie I wanted to see. She wanted to do activities that I enjoy doing but haven’t done because my wife doesn’t want to give them a try. Our friend and I had a lot of fun together. I really liked when she came over.
Thinking back, though I wouldn’t have admitted it two months ago; this cute friend even became the focus of several of my sexual fantasies. I would have loved to tie her down to my bed and brought her to multiple orgasms! It was just a fantasy. I am married. She is a good girl, and I am a good wife loving man.
As she was dating these two men, she was coming over often to talk abut them. And we would sit close together on the sofa, reading all her E-Mail that different men had sent her that day. (Let me tell you, some men are idiots when writing women! Now that I have written a few women myself, I am more forgiving of their letters to her than I was before I wrote some of my own.)
One day she called me at work and told me she was coming over. I told her I was really tired and was going home to take a nap, so she should come later in the evening after I woke up. She didn’t listen, She was there waiting when I got home. We talked a little and I told her I was going to nap for 20 to 30 minutes. She came into the bedroom and lay down with me. This was very natural for us. Our TV is in the bedroom and the three of us would watch movies and often sleep together. (No funny business, just sleep). I just want you to understand that she and I on the bed together is as natural as sitting at the kitchen table together.
I was lying on my tummy and had my arms by my side. She was trying to talk to me but I was dozing off. She said that she needed to run a little errand, and would be back in 20 minutes. She jumped out of bed, then she picked up my head and kissed it, then she kissed me on the lips. It was moist. I liked it.
She left saying “Why did you make me do that!” I drifted off to sleep. When she came back, she cooked some food and we ate and she went home.
The next day I had a chance to think about it. I realized that an affair was beginning. All the signs that I didn’t see were making themselves evident. The kiss was the catalyst, and the pinnacle. It made me angry. Yea I want her, but I can’t have her because I am married. I would get caught because she is our mutual friend and she is over to our house three days a week! I can’t be having an affair. IT IS WRONG!
She would write me E-mails, and I would giver her short answers, like “can’t, I’m busy. Maybe another time”. I think I didn’t want to deal with the issue, and answer the questions that were raised in my mind. But slowly, over the course of a week and a half, I did answer:
Why was I doing this: Because I am lonely.
Can I fix my marriage: I don’t think so
Do I want an affair: yes
Why not just get divorced: maybe I will
What do you want from the affair: intimacy, friend with benefits
She wrote me an E-Mail and said she was coming over to talk. I told her I needed help getting the swimming pool cover off and cleaned up. She was willing to help. We laid out before we started working, then we had a late lunch together. During this time, she kept digging into me about what was bothering me. It took me a long time to formulate the words in a soft, non confrontational way, but basically, I told her we had started an affair. She looked shocked. She told me it was in my mind, that I was imagining it. So I gave her all the little evidences and she still denied it. Finally, I reminded her about the kiss. Her head went into her hands and she almost started crying. She said she was sorry over and over. I told her don’t worry about it, let’s just move on. We talked a lot about it. But it was like she just wouldn’t accept responsibility for it. She couldn’t tell me what she wanted from the affair, or why she was doing it. I told her my reasons, and when I did, she blamed me again, saying it was my fault, like I instigated it and she was totally innocent. I would go over all the evidence again, and she couldn’t deny, she was the aggressor.
After awhile, she asked for a backrub. So tell me what you think, why would she be asking for me to give her a backrub while we are talking about having an affair? If she really didn’t want to be having an affair, she wouldn’t be asking for a back rub! Am I right or not? I gave her a full body massage.
Then we went outside to do some more work on the swimming pool. After scrubbing the swimming pool cover, and setting it out on the driveway to dry, we ate some ice-cream by the pool side. She finished her bowl quickly. We went inside. I followed and we sat on the floor where I gave her the backrub early. We talked a little, and then I took her hand and tried to pick her up to take her to the bedroom. (I am not totally innocent; I know I am guilty too) She said no. I asked her why and she was afraid of what might happen. I sincerely promised her there would be no kissing. I meant it. I truly believed it wouldn’t happen. I took her into the bedroom and blindfolded her eyes with a silk scarf, and sat her on the floor at the base of the bed. I started feeding her the rest of my chocolate ice-cream. I teased her with it. I watched as she tried to eat it and I would pull the spoon away. Little by little, the bowl emptied. At one point the scarf started falling away and she laughed and told me to tie the blindfold on again. Words can’t describe how erotic a moment that was for me. Watching her lips move onto the spoon and enjoy the flavor. She asked me if I ever did this with my wife. I told her I have tried a couple of times but she refused. At the end of the bowl of ice-cream, I put the bowl down. My brain was absolutely focused on her lips. I broke my promise. (I am sorry my friend. I am truly sorry) I honestly, totally forgot about the promise. In my whole world, there was just her lips, they were still moving. I leaned forward to taste that last bit of chocolate ice cream left on her lips. It was truly one of the most memorable kisses of my life. We kissed for a couple of minutes. She took the blindfold off. I think that I read shame and personal disgust in her eyes, as the blindfold reveled a married man. She grabbed me and pulled me to the floor on top of her. We passionately kissed some more. She rubbed her crotch into mine. It felt so hedonistic, and wild. It frightened me, this was my friend, whom I care about, and I know, that if I truly cared for her, I wouldn’t be doing this. I am selfish. Her face was in a state of ecstasy that I had never seen it in. She was making love sounds that I had never heard from her. She said things that I had never imagined coming from her lips. She was my good friend, and she was lost in the moment. She told me to rub her breasts, but I stopped to talk. I told her, not yet. I didn’t what her doing this because she was lost in the moment. I wanted her doing this because she wanted to make love to me. I didn’t want a one day thing. I wanted a deeper intimacy. We talked a little and then very abruptly, she jumped up and said she had to go, and she bolted for the bedroom door. I sat there on the floor for about a minute wondering what just happened. I went downstairs looking for her. She was in the bathroom, splashing water on her face. I asked her if she was OK. She looked up at me. I had never seen this face on her either. She was scared, very scared. She said, “I was going to have sex with you.” She said she needed to go home. I forcefully said I needed help getting the pool cover rolled up, it is a two person job and I NEEDED her help.
We went outside and rolled up the pool cover. Then she went straight inside to pick up her purse and headed straight for the door. I begged her to stay for just 10 minutes as she slammed the door behind her.
This happened about 3 weeks ago. She doesn’t return E-Mail, doesn’t return phone calls. I have no idea what she is thinking. I know, I lost my friend.
7/27/2005 7:40 am
You need to remember that this is your wife's friends also. Seems to me like the two of you have forgotten that. |
If things are not working out with your wife you need to look somewhere else if you are unhappy and lonely. I'm sure you can find someone else to have an affair with.
You'll end up hurting your wife, your friend and yourself!