RAMBLINGS AND OTHER STUFF. THIS IS MY REALITY CHECK  

hairbabedelivers 52F
38 posts
12/4/2005 3:12 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

RAMBLINGS AND OTHER STUFF. THIS IS MY REALITY CHECK

these ramblings cover the last 3 days. i am exhausted and defeated and sitting here in a ball gown that is completely exquisite. tonite , i was the princess. an armpiece to be reckoned with, and on display. the men drooled, the women smirked, save for the drunk ones. the bar was open and the food was fit for royalty. he was the perfect gentleman as always, sending Japanese lillies and white roses ahead of the evening when just roses would not do me justice. i find it almost laughable that i have these options and choices, yet all i want is to undress, wash the class away and finish this wearing a starchless, long overdue for a wash long sleeve shirt that just barely smells of the man who left it behind.{=}

a client of mine gave me a ticket to the rolling stones for my birthday this year. the show was last thursday in houston. the wednesday prior, someone single handedly screwed up my appt. book so badly, that at 6pm, three people walked in at the same time to see me. i was in hell without water or sunblock. all or nothing me was at work until well after 10pm. i rushed home and did what i do every day now, it seems. i made coffee and logged in, hoping for even a glimpse of my elusive cyber lover. again, this is his choice, and can only add his name to the list of calls that i await patiently for each day. bush, oprah, holder of my heart, and the client call begging to be done at home or squeezed in at the most inopportune moment possible. i posted comments as i waited, and logged off about 3am to sleep. I woke about 11am and agreed to meet friend in 3hrs. my on and off stray friend was to keep my truck and do general maint. etc and take care of the yard and put the trash out fri am, as it has never been on my to do list and for whatever reason, i cannot seem to put and or keep it there. we went into town and he left me with jess. we drove to houston, arriving at the hilton next to the toyota ctr, about 5 or so. the rest of the group was in the bar, so we had a drink and waited for our table for dinner. we went to our suite, which was shared with 5 others to change and drink some more. i do not drink, usually but i was heartbroken, surrounded by aggies with attitudes and "the baby" of the clan. we walked to the arena and ironically, ended up with john paul whatshisname? the paul mitchell guy. the aggies felt that i needed to communicate with him but the fact is that i do not like paul mitchell. alot. I had nothing good to say, so i said nothing. los lonely boys did not play. hector got sick. no big loss, as i needed no reminders that heaven was back in austin somewhere reinforcing the walls of his million dollar built it yourself inescapable prison. i have a party to atttend this week, so if anyone in tx would care to accompany me, pls drop me an email and the name of the cologne you wear. anyway, the show was absolutely fabulous. High energy, prime seating and a clan of aggies with attitude...this could get old. fast. aftershow took us back to the bar, then to the suite. where it was obvious to me that sleep was not coming any time soon or easily, for that matter, just an educated guess, but these people had done this before, and my reality was shattered when i came to the realization that i had rode in with the "host with the most". that's it and all, i was pissed. I had commented earlier that i really needed a laptop. when we were in the bar, i was surrounded by them, and it now has become the only way for me to communicate with manfriend, away from home. jess said there was a computer in the room...wireless keyboard to large television, in a roomful of people not in their right minds. i found a copy of camel club by baldacci, and i am glad i had it with me. at 7am all began to scramble to have breakfast and check out. i am a caffein and sugar junkie. i have probably 6-10oz. of espresso brewed with raw sugar three to 4 times a day, and would just like to state for the record, that i fully understand and am aware of the fact that maybe i can be bitchy without it. It is NOT my fault, however that there are no and i do mean no coffee houses between here and houston. I know as i stopped in every town. "hey starbucks, get a clue from walmart, huh?" Anyway, i got here about 2:30 and went straight to work until 9. i arrived home about 10 and the carpet people were just arriving, and since i barter with the carpet guy, i still had 2-3 hrs of work ahead of me after which i had to open windows and turn on fans and sleep that way for the 3.5 hrs i was allowed. this is saturday am and i am tired. i lie down and can't help but think about how sometimes, not often enough, though, he writes something that speaks to me in volumes. the words invoke things in me that only he is capable of. but then my mind says hell, he left. he walked away and not so much as an email has passed between you. why would you hold onto someone who doesn't like you anymore than he likes himself? i must have drifted off, because the next thing i knew, my eyes were open and his face was so close to mine i could touch it. i could feel his warm breath on my lips and even taste tobacco and dr. pepper. i wanted to scream or yell or grab him and pull him under the blanket with me, but i could do nothing and he seemed to inch closer and closer yet not move at all. there were two things that i knew in this moment. the first, was that if i kissed him, and oh, god how i wanted and needed to- it would be wondrous and deadly. final. he would then become my air. if i touched him, i could never ever breathe regular air again. what would i do? how will i survive this? how will i work? will i need surgery to separate? will i survive that? what are my chances? is admitting this want or need or whatever it is a step toward recovery? will another admission of anything drive him to another town? no. the other thing that i realize in that moment is that it does not matter. i am his. he is the master vampire. able to sate me with only his thoughts and i am destined to belong to him until eternity is through. never aging. never lacking, and never needing anything as i do him. i got out of bed, literally shaking from the tensing of every muscle in my body that i thought i had control of. at this moment in time i retreat. i lose myself in the day to day requirements and demands that my life makes upon me, until sunday night, when i return and pray for any acknowledgement to get me through the next day.while i am waiting, i will write.....................................................CANDLELIGHT

Like candlelight on barren walls
You flicker throughout my mind
Burning away the cobwebs
From eyes that once were blind

Perhaps you'll never come to know
Just how you burn so bright
Or how my world's a better place
When seen by candlelight

You'll never know that when you're far
My own light seems to fade
And the place I dwell inside my head
Is a world that you have made

You'll never know the way I feel
But it would come as no surprise
If you could, just once, see yourself
While looking through my eyes.


AlterNative58 58M
126 posts
12/5/2005 1:45 am

I've only just found your blog over the last few days, but I am enjoying how you express yourself. From the few pics I've seen on here of you and you're attitude on here also, you seem to me to have a heart that any man would be most fortunate to win. I hope you find your way around or through this current difficulty you are in. I look forward to seeing how it develops.

Btw, I wear either Halston Z-14 or Calvin Klein Eternity...

yes, i read everything


jim5131 55M
1296 posts
12/7/2005 3:28 pm

wow...quite the first blog.

...quite the evening.

..and I'm Farenheit by (?Calvin Klein?)..only rarely..


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