Falling Down  

hairbabedelivers 52F
38 posts
11/29/2005 10:58 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

Falling Down

as I type this little piece of me, i am listening to "have a little faith in me" by jewel.

The great thing about falling down is that you can always get up, right? Well that is what I used to think. I recently spent 23 hours with someone who has no idea how amazing he is. He has trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, probably because he doesn't own a mirror. He is the light-and the darkness- as I understand it. I realized recently that I have lost count of how many times I have fallen. Probably because it is repetitious to me. Damn, check for open wounds, bandage, shower off the dirt, put on clean undies, paste on a smile, and where was I? Move ahead. It is easier for someone who has so much practice at getting up, to get up. After a while, it gets harder and harder to simply dust it off. My scars are fresh and old and surface and deep. I opened myself up-almost on a dare. He called me ice for Godssake-only to be left sitting alone, in lingerie, no less, with food. Home cooked comfort food. them and think wow, does this feel good or what? I called my best friend and said "hey, if you see your jen, keep her. I am staying for a while." I am used to my bed being somewhat cold, but right now I feel frigid. I am so torn between that maternal instinct to go to him and hold him until all the bad goes away, to ravage him fGoodbye size 4, and hello 6. Still in the single digits, right? I am in self destruct. I built this body. It is an illusion. Tomorrow I will eat pasta. Lots of Pasta. I will make it in the morning and eat it at work---when I eat pasta at work, they part for me like the red sea. They will whisper among themselves " is she mad at me?"and I will let them. What is the point of telling anyone that you opened up just long enough to let someone in and see you, the real you. To hear yourself laugh with them and cry with or the man that he is, was, and can be with unbridled passion driven by lust, and finally, to walk straight up to him and kick him square in the nuts for making me feel like it was okay to want or care or need. He became my oxygen, and how will i breathe now. I can't replace him, and i cannot kick him in the nuts because I do not know where those nuts are sleeping. I received an explaination, of sorts, but it only made me weep with the sadness that he felt as he wrote it. I have no way to reach him, yet I dial this disconnected phone number out of some need that I cannot quite put my finger on. He stirs the profound polarity of human nature itself in me, if he will allow me that. The way I feel-inside-when I hear that voice, so syrupy sweet in my ear or banter over nothing is intoxicating. It is the kind of heady experiencethat leaves me totally wanting to let go, yet paralyzed with fear of being so out of control. I have always been the brave one, afraid of nothing and as I attempt to embrace and welcome these feelings that he forced out of me in a storm, for lack of a better word, I too feel like sheltering myself from the uncertainty of the direction and sheer power of my own emotions.I am just afraid of the way he makes me feel as he is of me.
I am always going to be me. Passionate and all or nothing me, even if it means that all I have in the end is me-and a bittersweet memory that I would trade for nothing in the world. While I know that all I can do is be there and pray for my phone to ring, so that I may hear that sweet sound at the other end. I don't know exactly how he feels, but I believe that these words come so close, he is momentaarily in awe again. Hopefully the phone will ring or the i/m will ding and I will know that at least some of my heartfelt emotion is not wasted. I can only be sure of two things. the first is that self-sabotage is no answer, not is it an excuse for not calling. It is so unfairof him to make my choice for me, without the common courtesy of my input. I believed that the coupling of our intensities could have been wondrous, escalated by not knowing if it is safe for either one of us. At this moment I am sobbing for the confusion he is feeling, and making me feel.
Help me. I've fallen and I can't get up.

rm_cockmerollme 45F
1223 posts
11/30/2005 12:30 am

I know...I know....you feel bad that you feel this way, because you don't want to be selfish, but you just want to grab them and yell in their face,"but I will take care of you!"....it's too much sometimes. Sometimes, it's a lot.


rm_wesstump 53M

11/30/2005 7:33 am

i know the feeling. been through enough relationships to understand the helplessness and hopelessness. but there is no reason to give up. go to ur window and look out. there is a whole world out there that will not have the pleasure of knowing u if u simply give up. as i said i know these feelings. i struggle with them everyday. i have come to almost enjoy being on the outside looking in but there are times when i see a couple having a good time and wish it could be me.
look if u need to talk mail me at AdultFriendFinder, perhaps i can help.

bardicman 50M

11/30/2005 1:11 pm

I can't get up either. Is it ok if I just lay here with you until we are stronger....

I am not dead yet

hairbabedelivers 52F

12/12/2005 9:05 am

hey bard, are "we" stronger yet? my arse hurts

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