The key is???  

goddessofbitches 41M/33F
5317 posts
10/26/2005 7:06 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

The key is???

Of course the answers to my sex study were excellent. I want to thank each and every one of you who commented and shared your thoughts. I was wondering now, if the key to a successful marriage(or at least a very important one)is imbedded somewhere in the sex.

One thought that I had goes back to a debate I had with someone in early June. He stated his wife was in an accident and is now paralyzed. Thing is..instead of standing behind her, he made the choice to start sleeping with other women behind her back. He didn't want to tell her about his sexual wants and needs for fear of hurting her. So instead, he is here searching for others to take her place. Not as a wife, because he didn't want to leave her, but only as a sex partner. I asked why he was doing it. He stated he was human...he was flawed...and he had a sex drive and desire that needed to be fulfilled. So...with that...I just shrugged my shoulders and left the conversation. I just couldn't imagine myself in a wheel chair and my husband going out and cheating on me. That would cause more pain than finding out I would never walk again. With this in mind...this is one example of how sex has affected this particular relationship...and how the need for great sex...has taken the place for the love he must have felt for his wife. He placed love on the back burner so he could fulfil a sex need.

There was another man I had chatted with who was cheating on his spouse because she no longer fulfilled his needs. He fully intended to meet another woman...and once he did...he would have sex with her. The only difference between this man and the one that was previously mentioned...was that the other man never intended on divorcing his wife, while this one not only sought out sex, but he looked for love as well. He was wanting to divorce his wife...and when I asked why....he said simply stated that the sex was missing in his life completely. I asked him if everything else was ok in their life. He stated they argued only when they discussed sex...other than that...they got along fine.
So in this example...the man and his wife from what I was told...have an awesome relationship...but...since sex was missing...this man has decided to leave his wife and find another.

There is another case of a woman who says that her husband won't do things for her...in a sense..he had never really been able to "hit the right spot" for her and she too...decided that it was time to find another.
That makes two cases of marriage failures because sex was not what the other had desired.

But then...there is me. I am one who no matter what...will never stop loving my husband. There was a time when my husband couldn't get me off. It was in between kids. No matter what I did or what he did, I just couldn't climax. I also had a problem staying "wet" down there. I never gave up. He and I both tried knew things...new positions..new everything. And although it never really worked...and we did get frustrated at times.. we never gave up. I never once said to myself....maybe I need a new boyfriend. I just sat there and tried to work it out. After we had our daughter though, things started to really turn around for us. I started to climax again..I was starting to get in tune with him..and things are going great right now.
Even if it hadn't changed at all....I can honestly say I would never leave him and I certainly wouldn't cheat on him. My opinion is when you love someone...no matter what happens...you stick with them.

I am sure that these people have their own battles to deal with on the inside and they chose the cheating path for what they think are the right reasons. Does this mean I agree with it?? No. Does this mean I am against it? Well...all I can say is that I personally would never leave my husband for another man if it got to the point sex wasn't "good enough" anymore.

Not saying that as a couple....you can't explore. Now...if both people want to explore sex...then...that's their choice. As long as there is some sort of agreement that they both can sleep with other people...or even if one person has told the other they can go exploring....that's a good thing.

I know there are those others out there that say "I would stand behind my spouse"...and others who feel that "If sex goes bad then I need to find someone else."
When you really think about it...there is a line between love and sex. A line that some don't understand I guess. I DON'T know it all...but I know enough to take my stand...which is... Sex alone is not a good reason to marry someone. By today's standards, LOVE is also not a good reason to marry someone, because in the earlier examples, these three people loved their spouse but sex came first. So, with that said...my stand on it is that people should marry when they have a good strong combination of both love and sex.

Like I said..I don't know it all and maybe I am wrong...I HOPE I am wrong. I hope that what I discovered just happens to be "luck of the draw" as they say. That I just somehow happened to meet, talk, and view profiles of men and women who share these stories of what they are looking for...and no...not all of the cases were of people on AdultFriendFinder..

Can sex really make or break a marriage???
Is "Good SEX" really the key to a successful marriage? Or is it about and always will be about how strong the love is between two people?

You decide........

HUGS~~~MANDY


Always The Bitch


AlbertPrince 57M

10/27/2005 2:04 am

I don't think good sex makes a marriage, it is just one of many factors. But I think bad (or no) sex can break a marriage.


rm_FreeLove999 46F
16127 posts
10/27/2005 3:25 am

hmm... the only thing my husband and i really argue about is sex (o, and okay his lousy "granpa" driving when i'm in a crap mood) ... but that does not mean i will leave him or even want to -- we have decided to stay together and just explore other options for sex in an open and honest fashion.

we still sleep in the same bed and cuddle a lot. i view him as my life long companion and if we did for some reason decide to split up (unlikely) we would continue to be the excellent friends and confidantes we are.

so, no, i don't think a good marriage is made out of sex; i think it is made out of love, honesty and communication (it was not easy to tell my husband that i wanted to explore other sex options -- it was terrifying; i really feared it would spell the end of our marriage, and i really feared hurting him -- but i just thought that if it was to spell the end of our marriage so would cheating, and i could only save the love and friendship by being honest upfront and not by sneaking around behind his back).

we have been in this open relationship for nearly 2 years now and we are closer than ever, both having learnt even more together, having grown through various challenges with regard to seeing other people (like some of their expectations) - including being open to discussing what is not working in this regard for either of us and what "rules" would make it work better.

i think one other thing that is rarely mentioned that makes for a succesful marriage is to let it stay dynamic, not be scared to makes changes when they need making, and realising that two people might need different things to keep them happy (for example, we started off the open relationship thing with the same rules for both of us, but we found different issues were arising for each of us, so now we each have different rules to play by, which keep us both happy).

a dynamic relationship is never boring, flexible and resilient to external knocks.

LOL! sorry for hogging your blog space.



[blog freelove999]


rm_salinefilled 41M/33F

10/27/2005 7:52 am

I'm on the fence about this because I am in the middle of a divorce and I think one of the reasons for our separation could be sex. Sex was a major issue in our relationship which we continously fought about....and when I decided to be open with him and tell him my fantasies and wants all he did was put me down and call me names. After this....(like someone say above) it lead me to cheat. I am in no way proud of what I did but it did happen and the person that I am with here on Swapfinder fulfills everything that my husband didn't and more....We have been seeing each other for a year now and things are just getting better. I could never have imagined I could be so open and honest sexual with someone. With all of this said I believe a happy and successful marriage takes love, sex, and accecptance on both parts. I loved my husband which was one of the reasons it was extremely hard for me to let go but when I tried to work it out I realized that's all that is was, there was nothing there sexually.....(not that sex is everything), but what I had found in the person I'm seeing nowjust totally outweighed everything else.............


toothysmile 50M
16515 posts
10/27/2005 10:45 am

You are wiser beyond your years.

Still, this is a vast topic and probably no soungd conclusion can be reached without further discussion. What I know from whatever little experience I have is that every marriage is different from another. The rules are different, the people are different, the cultures are different, the families are different.

What may be right for you and me could be wrong for someone else. And who 's to say who 's right and who 's wrong? This isn't a black and white question, there 's a lot of gray here.

Thanks for posting this,
you know I think the world of you.


digdug41 49M

10/27/2005 1:40 pm

sex is important but not the only factor in a marriage that makes it a marriage there are so many and I agree with toothy there are alot of grey areas to it too

roaming the cyber streets of blogland


popmuse01 35F

10/27/2005 6:17 pm

Sex is very important in a marriage, even a relationship I believe. If you are satisfied in bed, you won't be satisfied outside the bed. I am not saying that sex will make or break a marriage...it just makes everything go a lot smoother down the road. BUT the key to a happy marriage besides sex is communication! If one of you is not open and honest with the other...that could lead to problems down the road. Love, Communication and Sex are the keys to a happy and successfull marriage. That's my opinion though. Hope that helps ya out!!!

I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.


SoljerBlu 39M

10/27/2005 8:10 pm

Now you have to understand these comments come from a man on his 4th marriage. And this to a 31 yr old Russian who does not love me.
You hit it with "luck of the draw". My marriages were for 5, 10 and 7 years (with a semi-marriage to an old friend for 5 years, and 5 yrs w/ my Russian wife). So, I have had no quickie in and out marriages. Perhaps most important is that the time between first fuck and marriage was 6 mos., 1 yr, 3 mos., 1 month, and 3 mos.
Think I'm an impetuous fool? I do!
The SEX seemed to cloud the judgement for all concerned.
So, I gotta say, if you marry for the sex, you're as dumb as I am.
Has it all been worth it? I'll let you know.


Lonely122333 55M
3 posts
10/27/2005 9:47 pm

Well I think that lack of SEX will break a marriage, especially if both spouses are healthy and able to have sex. I am in a Sexless marriage and that is why I am on this site. There have been up and downs in the bedroom for years. We have been married for 16 years and have a teenager. It has been really mostly 'downs' in the last year or so and i have been wanting to discuss it but she avoids the subject. So i had a frank converstaion with her saying that i am not willing to keep this going like that. i do not plan to cheat on her and never did, but i will walk away. She knows this and now it is up to her to make a decision. If she wants to change things then i will stay becuase i do love her. However, no physical conatct is unhealthy and has been taking a toll on me mentally and physiscally.

i have string suspicions that she has cheated on me and I have told her so. She denies everything other than this guy was just a 'friend' that she met secretly. Whatever...

Anyhow, back to the question: I agree with the majority: good sex does not keep a marriage together, but lack of will break a marriage (except in the cases like the woman who was paralyzed in an accident)


rm_goodguy475 41M
2 posts
10/28/2005 12:02 am

hi my name is jon cunningham and i just got out of a 7 year marriage because of the same thing the sex was not comming enough for me but that is not why i left i left because while my wife was constantly telling me she wasnt horny and i was she was also accusing me all the time of cheating on her and i NEVER DID i loved my wife with all my heart and still kind of miss her and in leaving i left 5 beautiful kids in arizona and i miss them terribly but no matter what i did all i did was wrong EVEN SEX when it happened my wife made me wait 6 months one time before she would consent to sex but i waited faithfully untill it finally did happen again so i guess i could say that sex kind of helped the seperation but in the same breath it didnt i would appreciate any e mails that anyone would like to send to me sincerely jon cunningham new mexico


rm_goodguy475 41M
2 posts
10/28/2005 12:04 am

my e mail address is AdultFriendFinder


hotiowastud2 53M

10/28/2005 6:31 am

Ultimately it is the person's choice, but...

Sex should not make or break the marriage.

It will have it's good periods and bad periods, but if you really love that person and are invested emotionally you'll ride out the tough times and LIKE YOU DID work as hard as you can to get through them.

There will be times of doubt and wondering, but ultimately it shouldn't be enough to wonder.

Now, with that said, there are people who it's easy for them to get in and out of relationships. Maybe they are extremely good looking and charismatic and it's easy to find people who are paying a lot of attention to them outside the marriage. So when those doubts come there are options and it's EASY to fulfill some of the sex voids quickly. This had probably been the pattern for all of their other relationships previously anyway.

I am on here just to express myself in a way society, especially within my profession, deems unacceptable. Have I had opportunities to cheat on my wife? Yes. Have I followed through? No.

I was going to devote a blog on this subject, but you've covered it perfectly here. I wasn't three months married and a gal at work was flirting to the point of propositioning me. She talked about sucking my cock openly and often had me so hard at work I couldn't function. So the lust part of it, especially since she was SOOOO good looking got me interested but the brain was able to keep me at arms distance. If that were to happen today I can't say what I'd do. Probably nothing as I do get what you're saying.

I think I have a guardian angel that ultimately doesn't allow me to get into situations where I have the opportunity to follow through with flirting.

I could go on but I"m talking in circles now....


rm_ericingeneva 39M

10/28/2005 9:41 am

I wrote a reply and it became more of a book so I posted it on my blog instead. I don't think my post supports sex being the key but I think it explains why it might be in some cases. You might disagree with it but I think it's a good read myself.

Oh and It might not be approved yet!

[post 128488]


rm_ericingeneva 39M

10/28/2005 9:43 am

I added the post code and it's not showing a link but it is showing the title... I'm assuming it'll appear when it gets approved.


dano6332 56M

10/28/2005 12:29 pm

Mandy I think they are entwined deeply. Love, respect and friendship all come together with the bond of sex and for me personally sex makes me much closer to my partner. I met my baby when I was married and while I was not really looking I had been in a marriage that for years no longer included sex and intimacy. I was incomplete and begged for a woman who could make me feel like a man again. We broke up for several years while my marriage ended because an affair is not a relationship even if you want it to be. Here is the thing I never forgot her and I dont think I ever want to. Yes a relationship is much more than sex but it is also a important part for me.


gnr8nrg 46M

10/28/2005 7:01 pm

Trust, respect, love, honesty, and communication is what I need to have a successful marriage. I don't think I'd get married before knowing sexual desires. I have a blog about frequency and if my girlfriend was not sexual early on, the relationship probably wouldn't lead to marriage. Though I fell in love with a virgin before, but that was a long time ago and probably not likely to happen again. Well not on this site.(lol)Who knows?


weineroftheworld 66M

10/28/2005 8:54 pm

I have been married for nearly thirty years. For the past five years, our sex life has suffered due to 'hormonal' changes. Now, we are closer than ever. We find that we do not have to depend on 'make up sex'. We now talk through rather than fuck through our problems. We are more open with each other that ever. I'm not advocating that all couples try this but it worked. Yes, the sex is GREAT when it happens but it is not necessary for us to be deeply and totally dedicated and dependant on each other. I just like being with her, no matter what!!! I feel incomplete when we are apart.


DukeAbbaddon 41M
280 posts
10/30/2005 4:23 am

shame none of the have a nice day part crept in !


DukeAbbaddon 41M
280 posts
10/30/2005 5:02 am

trouble is for me sex pust be part of desire but also not arguing and the withholding sex issue can be a ternof of the perminant sort !


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