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My mom the bitch....pt 2
My mom the bitch....pt 2
I left off stating that I felt like I was turning into my mother. I say that because once I reflected on the past few months, I noticed that I wasn't myself here at home. I mean, the stresses of being a mom, wife, blogger, friend to those around me, neighbor, and total bitch, are starting to get morphed into one. I find it hard to communicate these days. Not because I don't want to, and not because I'm afraid, but because there isn't really the support I need here. Sure, I have my blogger friends, and yes, there are my friends here at home, and yes, there is my husband....but things just don't seem easy to explain.
Take for instance my husband. When I try to tell him what I feel, or explain why I feel a certain way...he takes it as an attack or something. He often says I am becoming a drama queen, which as most know, is far off from the truth. He also says that I don't want to take blame.
Now this poses a problem. I can't talk to my mom because everything she says is so uncalled for. She often tries to get me to do things her way, and if I don't, well...all hell breaks loose.
My friends can't understand the situation because they don't understand all of the facts from all sides.
My husband can't understand. He makes me think he actually refuses to understand.
So when I sit back and review the last few months and the relationship I have with my kids...it is so damn fuzzy, that I can't even tell you what I think of it.
I guess, in all my babbling, I am saying that the reason I feel like this is because of my mom. She wasn't exactly a good role model. In fact, I can see a lot of resemblance in the way I run my house, and the way she ran hers.
The problem is, I don't want to be like her and yet, no matter what I do, I can't seem to change it. I have tried to be the "good homemaker" and I can't. I have tried to be the "good wife and good mother" and I can't. I just can't for some reason. That leads me back to...should I have even had kids at all? Should I have even gotten married at all?
With all this and more, I feel as though my life is getting flipped upside down. I recognize this as one of those moments in life that a person goes through...one of those "learning and growing" moments. It just couldn't come at a more inconvenient time for me. I also see this as depression in it's finest moment. Fuck that. Why now? Why ever at all? I mean, I should be able to handle anything!! I have suffered through abuse, loneliness, the trauma of having a preemie baby, being homeless, being caught up in the "I'm still young, I shouldn't be a mom- I should be out partying..." stages, working in totally different fields, putting up with discrimination, accepting myself as being a bi sexual, accepting my weight I have gained from having two kids, accepting the fact I am not a good house-keeper or "cleaner" and all this. Why can't I HANDLE being DEPRESSED? Why can't I CHANGE myself so that I do look like a mirror image of that woman who birthed me?
All the whys and no answers. No real answers. Some may want to suggest counseling. That would be good if it didn't COST an arm and leg. That would be good if it wasn't such a problem to stick to my doctor's appointments. I mean...with having two kids, if I don't have a sitter...then I can't very well cart them with me to talk to someone about my "inner feelings"
It's a real bitch. It really is. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. In my shoes, in my eyes, I am nothing more than just a human going through the day without any happiness. Only questions, hurting emotions, and complete forgetfulness. I can't even remember what I did last week. I could tell you what I did the other day.
Now that I have admitted that I am psycotic...how many of you still really love me?
Always The Bitch
2/13/2006 9:43 pm
I went through something similar when my dad passed away, and I had to become the second head of house and care for my brother while my mom wallowed in her grief. However, when her grief turned into depression, I grew worried. She talked about suicide, had really seriously considered it. Had the knife, razor sharp sitting on the counter. I consider it a godsend that I came home early from school that day.
However, it eventually took it's toll on my emotional and mental state. I had a nervous breakdown. My dear, you are on that verge. Getting it out, even here is a good way to do so.
What good is counciling going to do? You just sit with someone who had a degree in what they "think" the mind is all about, and how you are feeling and how things make you feel and all that psycho bullshit.
YOU are NOT psycotic. YOU are human. Your husband should be supporting you in this, not pushing you away. It will make things worse.
If you wish to talk in private about things, contact me through here. I have been there, I can help...even if it's just an ear to lend to you while you unload. I'm an awesome listener, and I love helping other people out.
I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.
2/13/2006 10:14 pm
of course i still love you.|
right now i have to go and see to my own kid --- be back in a bit---!
2/13/2006 11:08 pm
Hey thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hi... I've been busy... I havn't reached my goal but I am still losing weight. Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. If I can help just let me know.|
2/14/2006 1:42 am
hmmm Well lets see so many things you have on your mind. |
Well first of all with your husband...what you have to understand and Ive said this so many time men and women think differently. Men think logically and women think emotionaly. All husbands should be there for their wife thats just how it should be. Perhaps it is your approach to him that is not getting anywhere. The moment you start a sentence with words "I feel" you are sending him a single to put his gaurd up. I know that sounds strange but its true. for example: Let say you say something like "I feel like, I have to do everything with the kids and the house and I just dont have time" This translates to the man as "Why the hell dont you ever help me?" Now you can be as patient and calm as you like but stick thise 3 words "I feel like" which translates into "Round one fight" You must learn to communicate logically. Men are very simple creatures and the fact that women are so complex we have been conditioned to have to read between the lines of what most women mean when they speak. Because few actaully ever say what they mean. Which is hard for us let me tell you and things are often misunderstood. Thus why he feels you are attacking him and becomeing a drama queen.
Now as to you thinking you're your mother. Do you tell your children that you love them...do you read them stories every once in awhile. If the answers yes than you are completely different. Think of it this way if you do some things the same as your mother its simply a way to toughen them up. But you also do some of the things that you wish your mother did right? Therefore you have your own style of mothering...it may share similarities but its still different.
To me it just sounds like you need a break. A romantic evening with your husband might help.
Now as far as the whole should you have been a mother at an early age and blah blah blah....franky sweety you dwell on the past coulda, woulda, shoulda, but didnt you are going to end up depressed...(been there by the way) What you should be think about is what to do to better your life as it is now. From what youve always said you love your husband but now you're saying you regret getting married to him? Should you stay married is it something you wish to keep? Thats what you should consentrate on not whether or not you should have gotten married but the fact is...you did its already done. You have to play the cards you have right now...
What path do you want to take? Perhaps you have something you wish to do for yourself? Perhaps go to school and get a degree...there are ways to make that possible...Do you want to lose that mommy weight? then do it..but do it for you not anyone else. I think what you really desire is just that and you are frustrated because you cant. You want to do something for just yourself and I think you need to otherwise its only going to get worse. And if your husband complains to be honest he needs to suck it up and be a man about it...but when the time comes for him to have the same desire you should be willing to do the same. You are a strong woman I think you will find a way good luck to you...and make that husband of yours treat you with something specail for V-DAY....
2/14/2006 7:36 am
I agree with nightstalker. Do something special for you!!!! Then schedule a special something with your husband. Women like romantic stuff, and so do men somewhat (if it ends with sex ) but men are such dorks that they don't often think of it. I know cause I'm that idiot a lot of times. But if you arrange a sitter, arrange to go soak at a hot spring, arrange to have a nice dinner somewhere, be affectionate, then you will get what you want. I know that this is just one more thing that YOU need to do but You are worth this.|
Your husband is probably feeling the exact things you are, even if he isn't saying it. The real question is how to get back to that place with your husband where you are each others support. Talking openly with him is what you need.
Good luck. You will make it through cause the rest of us that are older have made it somehow. And everyone goes through a similar situation. Frustrating as hell, but that is the way it seems to go.
2/14/2006 9:20 am
well, i certainly still love you. in fact, even more so, because i recognise in you so many things that i've dealt with in my own past.|
my offer to talk stands, luv.
i'll be thinking of you.
2/14/2006 3:58 pm
Wow! You have done something special, you have put yourself out there, exposed yourself, made yourself vulnerable. Something I would love to be able to do, but have not been able to yet. I admire you for that (and for so much else).
I think you are a very special woman. I connect with what you say often. The similarities that I share with you and with what you write make your blog my favorite on this site. I think you need to know that you are lovable, admirable, and likable--at least to me. I wish I knew you better or that we had a stronger connection at this point, because there is a lot I would share with you to help reassure you as best I can. Perhaps you will consider my offer as I reach out to you, and you and I will begin to talk.
As for being psychotic, no...I do not think you are psychotic. Your statement "It's a real bitch. It really is. I feel like a prisoner in my own life. In my shoes, in my eyes, I am nothing more than just a human going through the day without any happiness. Only questions, hurting emotions, and complete forgetfulness. I can't even remember what I did last week. I could tell you what I did the other day." sounds like chronic depression--as I am sure you know. I recognize those feelings...I have those feelings. It is better with medication, but they still exist...under the surface...repressed but not gone. The worst part for me, and I think for you, is that when you have a good deal of intelligence (and I have no doubt after reading your blog over the last weeks that you are very intelligent), it is harder to deal with depression. I hope that you will be able to find some way to get the counselling...perhaps meds too (although it took me a long, long time to accept that for myself). Regardless, I think that you have reached out and when someone reaches out, often times one finds a friend to take your hand.
2/14/2006 6:41 pm
honey, to state a little bit of the obvious:|
* the reason you feel as you do is because you are depressed;
* no one chooses to be depressed;
* you set really high standards for yourself and are really hard on
* yourself for not achieving them;
* you feel you are not in a supportive environment;
* no one can HANDLE being depressed -- we all hate it!
IMO you need to start off by just trimming your expectations a little bit...
first off -- who the fuck really cares if you are not a good housekeeper??? drop your standards in this area and stop putting so much pressure on yourself about it;
second -- being a good wife is OPTIONAL and could be totally redefined to suit what you are capable of, instead of some set of standards impossible to achieve, for example, being a good wife could mean you put yourself before your husband and relationship so that you can feel good about yourself and take that to your husband and relationship (the reason your husband calls you a drama queen is he cannot handle your emotions -- feels disabled by them perhaps -- so he is adopting a shaming& blaming approach but what you can do is make sure you really take time to meditate, calm and centre yourself before you speak to him about what is bugging you and try to focus on breathing all through talking to him);
third -- being a good mother is NOT optional -- this you HAVE TO get right; you can trim away at your other standards, but do not slack in this corner. but what you can do to make this a bit easier, without therapists, is review each day with a list of 5 affirmations about good you did do as a mother in that day and resolve to keep on with those things -- don't just think it, write it down in a notebook and keep track. this will help put you in a more positive frame of mind about your kids. you can also write for each kid say 3 things they did in a day that you really appreciate about them.
honey, above all --- you are young, this is a very tough position to be in, and you are doing well in holding it all together. a woman's work is never done, so you need to give yourself pats on the back for every little achievement along the way.
it is good to review the mistakes you are making, but an honest assessment includes a review of areas where you are doing well -- otherwise you are just fetishising the process of tearing yourself down, and submitting yourself to the downward spiral.
i know you have a lot of good inside and out, so please accept mylove and support -- you deserve it!
2/14/2006 10:09 pm
Sweetie...who's standards are you basing your observations on anyway? We all live and love on different levels. So, you don't have the same kind of relationship(s) that the couple next door in the nice little house, with the white picket fence, who has 2.5 kids and a dog. Is that so bad? Have you considered how hard they are probably working to make it LOOK nice to everyone else. I live that life my dear...I smile when I'm pissed, laugh when I'm hurt, and entertain at all costs. I too share your burden of not wanting to end up like our mothers. Stop trying to be the perfect everything. Find who you are and who you want to be, and to hell with what everyone else perceives that as being. I friggin' hate the standards that society has forced us to accept as being "correct". Be yourself...I think that person is pretty great and obviously I'm not alone.|
2/15/2006 12:43 am
I will love ya no matter what... Remember if you ever need anything feel free to give me a hollar..
2/15/2006 7:10 am
I Love You - and I just discovered you.. takes one to know one - lol|
Girl--here is a quote that made me feel better -
"You can never be more than you were born to be"
It actually preoccupied my mind for a long time - most don't like it.. but - basically.. it's all up to what you think of yourself.. What were you born to be Mandy? Who are you..? be that - then the rest will fall into place.. The sky is your limit - reach for the stars.. the only chains that are holding you.. are the ones you put on yourself. Write your own definitions.. and live by them.. for a well behaved woman... seldom makes history.
2/16/2006 12:18 pm
Obviously there are some serious issues here.|
In my humble opinion the person who has been
wronged (I believe that is you) should not
be bestowed with the primary responsibility
of making things right (this may help, though).
You may feel you are turning into your mother
but this is definitely not so: people are
unrepeatable. There is no concrete rule to
determine what is always the best.
It is good judgement of the circumstances that
leads to the solution that appears the most
appropriate. And, finally, how can one not
be loved if one is known to be sincere?
2/19/2006 11:34 pm
I am with freelove on this. Mostly my advice it accepting that you arent' perfect and go from there. learn your limitations and then set limits with everyone after discussing it with them in a constructive way *grimice* gawd I sound like a councilor. ...in any case ......you are young and just discovering that guess what..you can't be super mandy.....so guess what .....be mandy...FFS that is who your husband kids and friends love anyhow and I suspect that your mom feels the same but she might not show or let herself know either. hugsssssssssss