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I Need Some Advice....especially from the guys
I Need Some Advice....especially from the guys
A couple of days ago I sent the following message to my ex-boyfriend via email and text messaging to his treo....
I saw that you changed your profile last night. It made me sad, but I guess you’re ready to move on. I really don’t understand what happened and I’m very confused. Can we please get together somewhere this evening and talk? I really need to do that so I can put some closure to this myself. I would really appreciate it.
Please let me know.
He hasn't responded.
I realized earlier this morning that it has been about 10 days since we last spoke; at which time he was yelling at me while I was crying and because I was crying before he hung up. He hasn't tried to contact me once. I sent him an email one day asking to chat because I saw him online, but he didn't respond. I'm really at a loss as to why he broke up with me and I'm having a terrible time getting over it. It's obvious that he's moved on, but I don't seem to be able to do the same. I really need to understand what happened and even more so I need some closure. I just really don't think that is too much to ask.
I'm thinking that since he has not responded to my email asking to meet, I should call him....(hopefully he will answer the phone). I'm sure that your first thoughts are for me to just forget about it and move on. I have tried, believe me. It's just not working. I even woke up crying one night last weekend because I was dreaming about him!
I could really use some input from everyone about calling him....especially from the guys since we don't seem to talk the same language. Please don't just say "Forget about him. You can do better". I've heard that a million times already and it just doesn't help.
If you haven't done so already, you may want to read my posts I thought I had it pretty well under control until............, His Last Blog Post To Me, and What do you think this means? before giving your advice. Btw, he knows nothing at this point about what I have written in my last post because he hasn't logged onto AdultFriendFinder since the 29th.
Thank you everyone for bearing with me through all of this. I feel like all I've done is blog about how I have been feeling lately.
9/1/2005 8:13 am
It seems to me that you found yourself a man who was/is wonderful in many ways, and that's what you miss. But the subtext is that he was also something of a "fixer-upper," and that could be a problem. You should never try to change anyone who isn't wearing diapers. Or, put another way, "How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?" "Only one, but the light bulb has to *really* want to change."|
When I did the post-mortem on a relationship that ended a few years ago, I realized that the underlying emotion wasn't love, it was fear. Fear that I wouldn't find someone else. Fear that I wasn't good enough. Fear that I wouldn't get laid next Saturday, or ever again. Fear that life would pass me by.
I've also been the man who didn't return calls or e-mails, and again, that's fear. Fear of confrontation, of being drawn back in, of not knowing what to say, of hurting someone even more.
Time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels. Take heart, do your mourning, and learn from this.
9/1/2005 8:56 am
Darlin', I don't know what to tell you, cause I have a person that I am dealing with in much the same way. I know he could well be the love of my life but I scare him, he's told me that. Everytime I write him in an attempt to either shake the thing loose so we can get back to making something out of our relationship or get him to tell me it's over, he comes back with he still wants to see me. Yet, that next date never materializes. And reading Dallas's comment, I think it's not gonna work cause he is afraid of me, why he is I don't understand, but if he says he is I can't tell him he shouldn't be. I am very confused also and have really nothing to offer you in advice. All I can do is say I understand as much as I could without being you and I am pulling for you and if you ever want to chat, I'll be glad too.|
Not all who wander are lost.
9/1/2005 9:03 am
he might have viewed your blog you never know you don't have to log in to read them |
9/1/2005 9:14 am
I've been following this thread. I suspect you won't like what I'm about to say, but I'm afraid blunt honesty will be the only way to get you past this and on with your life.|
The point. He's gone on. You haven't. He's healed, you haven't. He's made a choice to affect a positive change for his own life, and you haven't.
Sweetheart, I KNOW this hurts. I've been right there where you are now. It took me months of whimpering, simpering, self loathing and introspection to figure out the same things you need to learn. The same thing he's already figured out...
1. Do what's right for yourself first. The right thing isn't pining away for someone who is obviously gone and not coming back. The right thing is throwing out all the hurtful crap and filing all the wonderful stuff into your happy memory place.
2. Accept the fact that you CAN affect a positive change; that you don't HAVE to feel this way. You feel like shit because you CHOOSE to. Choosing to live with emotional baggage isn't healing. It's self destructive.
3. Stand up, accept the facts and make a change! It's so easy I swear. Don't fear this. Embrace it, love it, accept it and learn from it.
DallasP is right. Time really does heal all wounds. How much time it takes is entirely UP TO YOU!
It pains me to be so harsh and callus. Just know there's gaggles and gangs of us who empathise with you here and we really do care, even if we don't all say so.
9/1/2005 10:06 pm
Don't bother calling, emailing, or any other form of chasing after him. He's running away - not from you, but either from
a. responsibility i.e. not having the guts to face you after the breakup, or
b. commitment, in which case he does not understand the meaning of the word 'love' and will never find the 'one of his life'.
Sounds to me that, although he may be capable of being emotional and passionate, he does not have the maturity (regardless of his age) to be responsible and/or committed. Maybe he's in love with the idea of being in love. Or, like a child, he's ecstatic when things SEEM to be going well, but has a tantrum when things get tough.
Look at this again: "I have […] found someone […] who seems to share my […] philosophy of life. I have long wanted to find someone who […]"
Is he talking here about YOU or his dream? Was he so passionate because he got to know you and wanted to cherish you, support you, love you, protect you, learn from you, give himself to you and grow old with you for the rest of his life? Or was he, like a child, excited to unpack and play with the remote control toy he's been nagging about for ages, only to abandon it after a few days when the novelty wore out and/or he realized it didn't do everything exactly as he expected?
You don't want to chase him. You don't want to change him. You don't want to mother him. After all, if that's what it would take to get him back, you couldn't respect him, anyway.
You need company. You need to talk. You need to cry. And (eventually, though it will take time) let go of the fear that 'something wonderful that could have lasted' is getting away from you. Basically, this one wasn't meant to last in the first place - I believe in fate.
Closure may work. But then again, what do you expect to hear from him?
A. "Sorry, but it didn't work out. Lets part as friends" - well, you know you won't get it, not from a guy who shouts at you, makes you cry, runs away and instantly begins to advertise himself to the world as a 'lonely, lost, passionate soul in search of true love' [which, by the way, I think is as genuine as the people who advertise themselves as 'real' i.e. compete nonsense]
B. To tell you what it is about you that made the relationship not work? As Byte said, self loathing is natural, but has nothing to do with reality. You don't need to change anything. The break-up is neither of your fault (though his cowardice at facing it makes him a prick). Besides, if he's in search of an ideal woman, he'll never find her, anyway. Unless it's someone who will completely mold herself to his wishes...
Like all of us, you need to find someone who is (1) compatible (2) mature enough to work through ups and downs with 'eyes on the prize' i.e. a deep, forged, trusting relationship
I'm speaking from experience - I used to be that way: run away instead of facing up. It took me a while to realize that such an outlook hurts many and helps no one, least of all myself. If he's lucky, one day he may change. But you will have moved on by then. No point in waiting - you have no idea what he'll be like after the transformation. Nor is there any guarantee that he will undergo the change.
more on my blog, http://AdultFriendFinder.com/blog/pierd
9/2/2005 7:40 am
The comments you have already received from men are all good.|
I can only share an experience I had with a woman that I think cared for me the way you cared for him. I broke up with her after dating only her for a year and a half. She was, like you broken up over it, but I had known for a long time I could not give her what she wanted from me. I had tried to break up a few times but it seemed she was always able to get me back. One time a friend of mine called about us guys going out on the town as it was my birthday. He mentioned Liz (name changed to protect the innocent) and I reminded him that I was trying to break off with her but I ended up going to see her when ever she called. He then told me I was not to let her know I knew but he was to call me and get me over to her home for a surprise birthday party. He said all my friends were to be there and I needed to act surprised when we went in the door. I felt bad at what I had thought of doing as she had called me in the morning and asked me to come over about 6 that night and I told her I had other plans. She sounded hurt but she was a strong woman, maybe too strong for me, and I had no idea of what she was planning.
When we arrived I did not see any cars and thought maybe he was wrong about the party or no one had shown up. When she opened the door I got a big birthday kiss and we went in and the next thing I knew the lights came on I got a big Happy Birthday from a house full of people. Then the presents came and from her I got a expensive new suit. The guilt was running over me as I knew she could not afford this and I was lost for words to the outpouring from her and my friends. As you might guess I continued to see her but I was unhappy as I did not love her though I considered her a good friend. I felt I needed to finally break up with a clean break telling her that there was not a future for us. I did this and I never saw someone so hurt in my life. I think I knew how she felt as it reminded me of when my wife had left me the house and the kids, not for another man but a business career. Liz tried to contact me, as you have him, but I did not return her calls. I later heard from one of her friends she almost had a breakdown over this and I was a complete asshole for what I did. In some ways she was right as I should have stopped seeing her when I first felt that this would not work out.
9/5/2005 8:48 am
Girltech, what Bytechaser said to you hit home for me. I told the one I was talking about to leave me alone. He writes and tells me that he wants to see me again and I say yes, then he disappears for a week or so only to ask again when can he see me. I tell him when I'm free and he disappears for another few days- always unreachable when I'm off and could spend some time with him. He's obviously over what we had, doesn't want me but then doesn't want anyone else to have me either. If he does write again, I will block him. I don't need his games.|
Don't give him his shirt back, put it in the Goodwill drop box!
Not all who wander are lost.