How to Destroy a Relationship  

girltech47 59F
552 posts
10/3/2005 6:48 am

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:27 pm

How to Destroy a Relationship

"How to Destroy a Relationship!?"

Why would we want to talk about this? This may sound like it is way out in left field. Why talk about how to destroy a relationship? Are we not already pretty good at this? Does this subject fit in to how to find and build a better relationship? The answer is, yes. Because, if we know what destroys our relationships, we can be on guard to prevent it, just as we need to know how. In relationships; we have to know what destroys them so we can guard ourselves and protect others. Most people are very good at destroying relationships. But, what we tend not to be good at is recognizing how and why we do it. We do not realize the subtle ploys that have become habits that embed like a wedge into each other, thus, pushing others away. In fact, most of us are just too good at taking down good friendships and causing once-good marriages to end in irreconcilable differences, when they were once harmonious and reconciled. How and why does this happen will be one you your great allies to build and keep effective healthy relationships!

There are five key aspects with which we humans come against each other as a defense mechanism in our relationships. These symptoms become our arsenal for attacking others so we are protected from their attack. We use them to be self-protective by creating offensive measures to protect ourselves while destroying others, encompassing simple arguments to total war. These are the root issues from which our behaviors and responses stem.

1. Defensiveness! Defensiveness is a weapon that allows you to be negative and not take responsibility for your actions. It permits you to over explain your position to the determent of the other person. You will not be able to listen, see the facts and see your role in the conflict. It projecting blame on someone else and it causes you to be skeptical of others motives and intentions, so you do not see the positive, options or the hope. You will not allow trust to be built, so you defend yourself to the point that you do not have to be intimate. It seems to protect you from hurt.

2. Contempt! Contempt is a weapon that cancels out the other persons value, It declares that they are not worthy of you, so you treat them with arrogance and put them down. It is a defensive weapon to protect your insecurities by claiming others as insecure. So you put them down before they may put you down. This symptom tells you that the thoughts and feelings of the other person are worthless. That way you may think you do not have to reach out or take risks. It is usually rooted in low self-esteem. This devalues people!

3. Criticism! Criticism is the best way to escalate any conflict. This rotten symptom is a weapon that helps create weapons for the other side. It builds "defensiveness" and "withdrawal" armaments in the other person. It is a weapon that makes other weapons. It creates a negative response that keeps escalating back and forth to one another. It can take a minor disagreement and take all the way up the mountain to full blown conflict. This weapon will not allow a cease-fire or solution so the circumstances will get worse and worse. It hurts others before they can hurt or continue to hurt you.

4. Withdrawal! Withdrawal is a form of avoidance. This is the unwillingness to solve issues and or explain your feelings. It is not giving up; rather it is a first strike weapon that prevents and disrupts communication. We do this by not listening, not caring to getting up and leaving the person. It is a way to not participate so you can "turn off" yourself during a disagreement.

5. Anger! Anger is a strong emotional reaction because our feelings have been violated, so we exercise our displeasure by provoking others with antagonism and hostility. If you want to destroy a relationship fast and furiously, allow your anger to get the best of you and let it flow, unhindered. Your good relationships will disappear or become totally dysfunctional and you may even end up dead or in prison.

So, do you have your temper tempered? What happens when our anger goes un-tempered? It initiates and supercharges the rest of the weapons. We turn it into bitterness, resentment, and hostility. These become evil, rotten fruits when anger is unhitched from our temper and control. They will harden our hearts, and cause us to become people who do not forgive, filled with all of the various defense mechanisms, empowered further as resentfulness, contempt, defensiveness, bitterness, critical nature, and withdrawal become the dominating force of our personality. They kill, they cause wars and hatred, they destroy relationships and society, and, they put an end to our effectiveness as an us as human beings.

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