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Life in the last four months has been rather intense. Father almost died but is recovering , near 80, disabled and to proud to ask for help let his house go unclean for 11 years. Now in the process of restoring the house for his possible return. Daily job of cleaning, sorting and throwing 11 years of junk. This site has become something of a haven to me and this blog is my therapy, a place to vent the frustration of the situation, throw out the emotion, for which there is no time and seek out people with whom I might create the diversion needed to clear the mind and heal the soul.
Heavy stuff today but have not really put this out there to face before now , at least not all at once. This process also includes walking away from the only women who ever loved me for who I was, my life's mate, but I could not drag her into this or be of any use to her with the task at hand. She would not have understood that there was only one way for me to deal with this situation and that was to move into the house and work at it each day know what needed to be done and not have the choice to walk away to our house and let it go until another day. Here is where the work was and here is where I needed to be not just to clean the house but in the end to be the caregiver for an ailing parent.
In truth the marriage was not in a good place in part because we could no longer have sex do to a physical problem on her part which lead me here to find "friends with benefits". This site also gave me her excuse to divorce me, being unsure as to how I would leave the marriage incriminating e-mails were left to be found,subconsciously left for her to have a reason for the divorce, then just walk away.
I read this and know just how cold-blooded this was but there is just no emotion left and yet there is emotion, anger,guilt a sense of betrayal, and yet I could not ask her to bear any of this with me, she deserves better and what I have left to give is not enough.
Diversion, This is what is sought out here, long term physically satisfying diversion, of the mind and body,friends who want something of you but not the whole of you for that is gone. Each day seems to come and go with little result and yet each day something gets accomplished, however small, and so the day begins anew, with hope of a new friend, with anticipation of great things being done and of life 'S diversions.
Now the dark side is out in the light let it burn in the intense heat of the sun for the darkness sought to swallow me and keep me from the light. We all must face this day when we become the parent to our parent and soon enough a child once again.