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Today I recieved and e-mail from my ex with this title. She proceeded to lay her emotions bare to me such as she has not done in a number of years, but in her defense she had no reason for I knew how she felt and what she felt and still do. We know each other in ways that only people who love one another truely are able to know the one they are with. We are joined at the soul forever. This, to many will not make sense, but to save her pain later I had to not be a part of what is the most beautiful part of my life, and that was her.
In May of this year my Father took ill to the point he almost died. His death I had prepared myself for, his recovery I was not. My emotions strained to collapse, my sense of duty to family, my vision of me in the same situation and the burden I would be to her, I turned off all emotion and left. The hurt came out in her e-mail, for she is lost to understand how I could do this, how I could walk away. She is not alone, my sister has also been on me about the divorce and my reasons for leaving.
How do I make anyone understand that I have no right to be here. Throughout my life I have cheated death three times, each time not sure as to why and only adding more questions to why I survived when so many other bright young people did not. First it was Vietnam, I could not go, Had I, maybe some one or a number of others would not have been lost, to many died there who never had the chance to fulfill their dreams. Would I have made a difference? Next the first Gulf War, again would I have made a difference? If you see a pattern here I wanted a life serving my country in the military.
I felt I was born to be a warrior, instead I became a champion for those who would not or could not stand up for themselves. I did then and do now live by a code once adopted by the knights of old, "Use your might for right", as laws have changed this has become a detriment to me, as the law finds you guilty if you defend the weak and helpless from those with hostile intentions in a physical way.
All of this has lead me to turn off that part of me the has always made me the best that was in me to be. Now do I rationalize with those who should be thoughly smitten about the head for their actions.
How then do I justify the pain I have caused? I can not, nor could I ask forgivness for it was I who made the choice, I who forced her hand in this to spare her what I knew would be my end. So long as I have the strength to fulfill what is asked of me I will be there for her needs, do what she needs done to the exclusion of all others, for she comes first, in my heart and soul. What emotion that is in me, that is left untouched, is for her. My passion has not died and that is for those who stir it in me, but expect no more than what I am able to give, my passion and my body are all that is left. The heart and the soul belong to her.
12/19/2005 8:27 pm
Hi Jim Im the new guy. what comes to mind is the silly,but sometimes intruiging show "My Name Is Earl". If you hve not seen it- Earl comes into some money and makes a list of everyone he has hurt or wronged in his life. He then sets out to right those wrongs as best he can. I think I would like to do that, but maybe my list is too long. What an interesting concept-can you imagine the surprise and shock that would come with that. Also Im sure it would be good for the soul not to mention the good Karma created. Just a thought. Keep on.|