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In the early hours just before dawn,when in fact I should be sleeping, I sit here awake and ponder life. Life is a strange mixture of joy and sadness, each day brings something new. How I wonder is it that someone who was so strong and in control of his life fall so far. To take no action as he taught me to do to help himself, to be so proud that he could not ask for help when he needed it. These are the things I ask of myself in viewing what is a part of my life I never foresaw coming. Now with this challenge before me I wonder am I equal to this? Can I hold myself within and do all that is needed to be what I need to be for my family?
Each morning when I wake, before my alarm, knowing I can not go back to sleep I come to this place, the place where I dump all of my fears and uncertainty, where I leave all of the negitive energy behind, for if I do not it will consume me and I will fail and failure is not an option.
I seek a companion who will understand and be willing to except what it is I have to give and yet tolerate what it is I have to do. No small feat when what I have to do is monumental in scope. Here I seek the impossible knowing that may not happen yet trusting in the spirits to answer my call.
The spirits were there when this all began and are still there watching over him and I hope me for I need them with me and feel their presents often but self doubt still creeps in and I must fight to rid myself of its presents.
Here in the early morning hours before dawn I am quite, at peace, and know what it is I am here to do. Live , work and recover, it will only take time. Time, the one thing that seemed so infinite, is now so fleeting as to cause me tears, but none come for it seems that well is dry and only the hard reality of each day seems present.
In the morning I dream of that someone who will ease the doubt, push back the fear and give me the diversion I need to face what is ahead with hope. This I know will come to pass for the feeling is strong and the spirit is high. One day in the early morning hours the pleasure of her touch, the taste of her skin and the warmth of her mouth on mine will fill the well and ease the sorrow, dispell that which is unspoken and again sleep until the dawn.