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12 Pretty Damn Embarrassing Ways To Die...
12 Pretty Damn Embarrassing Ways To Die...
Your death is that last thing you will ever do on this planet, and a lot of the time it's how you are remembered. That is why going out can be such an embarrassment if you do it the wrong way. In an effort to help you avoid "going out like bitch", as the rappers say, I have compiled a mini list of some embarrassing ways to die. We want to remember you for the 'Awesome' being that you were, not the ass backwards circumstances surrounding your demise! We all gotta go sometime, might as well make it memorable.
DO NOT DIE:
1. Of old age
---Get out there and do something. How humiliating is it to have spent 70+ years on this planet and not have done anything exciting enough to kill you.
2. Of East Nile Virus
--- Even West Nile Virus only kills old people and kids. You have to be a real pussy to die from East Nile Virus.
3. Like Bear Bryant
---Winning the Liberty Bowl, retiring, and dying three damn weeks later. The shortest retirement on record. Isn't it ironic?!
4. While re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”
---I don't care what anyone says, and I am probably going to hell for it, but the video of the kid trying to jump the car like he saw on "Jackass" is freaking hysterical. Seeing that idiot kid cartwheel through the air after getting hit by the car, followed immediately by the people behind the camera gasping as if this was some totally unforeseeable turn of events, had me in tears.
5. Like Karen Carpenter
---Starving yourself to death is just plain fucking stupid. "We’ve only just begun… to faaaast…" sorry.
6. As a Suicide Bomber
---Thinking you'll get props from Allah after driving your exploding car into a post office, only to learn the horrible truth that you'll be forced to choose between being boiled in molten lead for all of eternity or watching 'The New World' with your eyes pinned open.
7. Like Goose in Top Gun
---There are not many worse ways to go out than snapping your neck while ejecting during a training exercise so Tom Cruise can overact his way through the last forty minutes of a movie.
8. By drowning in a teaspoon of water
---"A baby can drown in a teaspoon of water." I am certain you have heard this little bit of home-spun wisdom countless times. But can you imagine being that baby? A teaspoon of water!? How embarrassing. That's such a small of amount of water. Just roll over, stupid baby!
9. By slipping on a banana peel
---Who are you? Magilla Gorilla? Who dies because of slipping on a banana peel? You dumb-ass. Was it an Acme Banana Peel? Did Wile E. Coyote put it there? Elmer Fudd? Did a piano fall on you afterwards?
10. During an elective surgery
---So you wanted your stomach to be smaller, huh? Well, it will definitely shrink now, along with the rest of your decomposing corpse.
11. Getting shot by someone on the A-Team
---These guys couldn't hit a goddamn thing. They'd hang out the back of that sweet van and unload thousands of rounds without ever hitting anyone. If you get shot by Hannibal, Face, Murdock, or BA, you are either extremely unlucky or the fattest evil henchmen who ever lived. In any case, we can be certain that the "A" does not stand for "Aim".
12. By Axe Body Spray poisoning
--- You can spray all the glorified deodorant on yourself that you want, but it isn't going to get you laid. You are an idiot, and you are broke. You know how I know? Because men with real jobs wear cologne.
Though I have been AWOL for a while now, due to work and life, in general, I am back to share the inner workings of my deranged mind with any and all who visit this blog...
Laugh, my friends...We don't have much time...
2/11/2006 5:21 pm
I enjoyed the post and would like to add a few af thoughts of my own.|
1. If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter that sandwich they would both be alive today.
2. Goose did it on purpose! He had to get out of that stupid fucking movie so Tom would quit hitting on him.
3. Having elective surgery is asking for it. Personally nobody is cutting on my ass (or anywhere else) unless I absoultly gotta have it done.
4. The A-Team sucked. I think Mr.T had something going with Face.
And finally, I want to die of old age. I have damn near gotten myself killed plenty of times and been in enough ICUs. Its funny how stuff I did in my twenties looks stupid in my forties.
2/13/2006 1:06 am
g. trainer, that's some really funny stuff. Did you make all that up? I like your sense of humor. Just wanted to say I got a kick outta that. I'll be checkin' in on your blog from time 2 time. bye,for now...|
2/13/2006 2:21 am
Here's another one. On an episode of the X-files, Peter Boyle played an insurance salesman who could foresee the way people would die. At one point, he, Mulder, and Scully are driving together someplace with Scully driving, Boyle riding shotgun, and Mulder riding behind him. Out of the blue, Boyle turns around, looks Mulder in the eye, and says, "You know, autoerotic asphyxiation has to be the most undignified way to die." He then returns to watching the highway ahead. Mulder leans forward and asks, "why do you look at me when you say that?"|
2/13/2006 9:51 am
Thanks for the props everyone and for cracking me up. Wildfire Coyote knows that I have had one hell of a couple of weeks. I blog because I need a break from reality and this is my forum!|