Ready to Date  

funlovingsue 59F
25 posts
1/28/2006 9:31 am

Last Read:
3/30/2006 9:46 pm

Ready to Date

A male friend wrote the following and sent it to me. Apparently this is how this person feels about me. I however,when I came to this site was to get a little loving to get me through this hurting time period. Please out there respond and tell me if I am wrong. I mean am I am supposed to crawl up in a shell and drown in my self pitty or something because I just went through a divorce?

Here is what my friend sent me by e-mail.

So many people dwell in the past so much so that it clouds their future. They tend to come across as a whiner or constant complainer and no one likes a crybaby. I am all for reviewing your past briefly in hopes to avoid making similar mistakes in your future. In fact, there are legitimate times when reminiscing about the good old days is healthy. However, for the most part it is best to look forward rather than dwell backward. I am talking about re-living the past more often then focusing on your future. Continue bringing up negative aspects of a relationship that went awry or your bitter ex that cheated on you, puts you in the rejection pile faster then a dollar sale on E-Bay. Your past is just that……something that happened in the past, it’s over, a closed chapter in your life, no one wants to hear it over and over again. This behavior will interfere with every dating scenario. It will prevent you from getting hired, ruin your chances at speed-dating events, kill attraction on a first date, decrease their interest level on the phone and most certainly does not put her in the mood. An essential point is to recognize your past, have a grieving period and begin a self-healing stage, then move on (not bring it up if possible). A good example would be a widow. If someone asks about your about your ex, simply say “that’s a long story or a closed chapter in my life”. Learning to associate negative aspects in a positive way is the best course of action. It does not look good when you speak negatively about your last boss/job or your ex, save those issues for your therapist. Grieving periods increase in each situation, if you two were together for an extended period of time then by all means take as much time as needed. Rushing back into another relationship is a temporary fix, as unresolved issues will surface. Nobody likes to be the transition guy or the rebound person. I read somewhere that a person should take 1 month off, for every year you dated. Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule. If you were married for 25 years, we can assume 25 months off would be a bit excessive. So have a good cry, talk to your therapist, work on your self esteem, be more positive and when you are ready, join the party.

Sue


rm_a11an1959III 57M

1/29/2006 2:46 pm

No, you're not supposed to crawl int a shell. We all deal with things in our past in different ways, whether it was from two months ago or two years ago or twenty years ago. This is just his opinion. Perhaps he doesnt want to be the "rebound" guy, or, if he is just a friend, got tired of listening to your story.

Stop worrying about what other people may think.


rm_gmanmich 49M

2/7/2006 9:25 pm

Hello Sue,
i am not quite sure what that friend was trying to say? Was this a friend that you confided with and told your story? I know that the people around me are tired of my story, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. I am a logical person and that is how i go through life. It was hard for me and the things i went through in my divorce. they just didn't make sense. i still have a hard time understanding, but I am getting on with my life. When someone asks what happened i am willing to tell my story hoping that someone can make sense of it. maybe I am wrong in not being able to just say "whatever" and forget about it. i just am not that style of a person. Maybe I care too much to let it go and maybe your friend just doesn't care enough.
ITake care of yourself and do the best that you can,
geoff


rm_ohsolustful 57M
859 posts
2/9/2006 11:46 am

Sounds like your friend cares, They obviously know you very well to have heard the whole story from you,and are only trying to help you with the healing process they feel you need. There is a large chunk of truth in what they say. I know years ago at the early stages of my divorce(been 13 yrs now) I probabely did harp on and on about the situation and eventually they had to tell me something similar to get me back on track. I did not appreciate at the time how right they were.


ifuwntitido2 55M

3/30/2006 2:52 pm

Dear Sue,
I read through some of what your friend wrote. I think he was only hearing your remorse and not LISTENING to the content of what you were saying!

I'm going to take a very straight forward psychological approach to your difficulty. Your friend is correct in the statement about not "clouding your future" HOWEVER, to just state that in a letter with many other comments is really quite cold! This is where it is important to LISTEN and not just hear what you're saying and RESPOND.

He didn't realize something important about ANY LOSS, because he didn't "LISTEN", he passed right over the obvious, YOU ARE GRIEVING!!!

If anyone suffers a loss, there is grief that needs to be worked through or "processed"! I am NOT a psychologist, however I know there are STAGES to be worked through. It is a good idea to move on and enjoy in life what shouldn't be overlooked and be thankful for the things in your life that you still have. However! If you don't properly work through that grief come to terms with it, you'll just be "sweeping dirt under the rug", so to speak!

It is difficult to understand, but I think he was correct about something and LOUSY AT DELIVERY! You DO need to move on, yet at the same time, not at the cost of avoiding properly working through your greif and confronting it! Let's call this "multitasking your emotions"
While you work through your grief and properly closing that door, you need to continue to find beauty and joy in your life!

Joy in our lives is what helps us survive difficulty. Yet if we understand about the hurt of our past, we will be able to move on without it RESURFACING some day!

Your friend was trying to help you move on by using the old tactic like they use in the movies,"not blowing sunshine up your ass"!

I'm very sorry if that was said in a "crude" way! I think your friend WAS trying to help you but was just using a "crude" shortcut, maybe for his own benefit?


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