|Blogs > funintheday2006 > CLITICALLY CHALLENGED|
Be honest, If I didn't write so much you wouldn't have as much to read.
Be honest, If I didn't write so much you wouldn't have as much to read.
Sorry people, its my second today so if you have the stamina, check the one below too.
Well, another day steering a ship with no rudder begins.
Sails torn and engines knackered.
Today’s prevailing thought is (for me), ‘Is seduction more enjoyable than sex, or IS seduction sex.’
Whoops… deep already. Don’t worry, I’ll get shallow real quick.
Now, like most men, I suspect, once the chase is over ( and that in itself is erotic and sexy, and the subject of another blog I reckon!), you are at the front door of the house named ‘possibly’ and the next step is the seduction of the hapless object of desire and the way to go about it a complete mystery due to the complexities of the female psyche.
That is soooo exciting!
The first step is to seduce the mind as, I seriously believe, that is a woman’s most erogenous zone and the least attended to by us somewhat appendagely focused sex gods.
Then you have the big issue, how the Hell do you get into a woman’s mind?
Short answer is, because you’re a man you have as much chance of growing your own uterus as understanding a woman’s thought processes so the answer has to lie elsewhere.
Now, as to seduce her mind, there has to be some level of understanding and knowledge and we, as men, are completely out on a limb here and improvisation and experimentation is the only way forward.
Let’s look at a few of the experiments I have used in the past with total and abject failure:
1. In a ‘relationship’ with a young lady some time ago and noticed her garden was immaculate and the design superb. No probs there then, send flowers and do so regularly. Should have checked the hay fever aspect first, quite acute apparently.
2. Chocolates, have given on a number of occasions where lady of receipt has been weight watching with predictable ball chewing and cries of ‘You do it on purpose, you bastard.’
3. Once arranged a trip to a theatre with a friend who had just lost a family friend in order to cheer her up. Should have checked, it was a play about ghouls and ghosts.
4. Took a very quiet friend up to the ride ( Big Shot) at the top of the Stratosphere in LV just after we had ridden on the roller coaster on the outside of the building. Vertigo is a real bummer isn’t it?
5. Took a friend out for a speedboat ride in warmer climes. (I should mention here that I am a fanatical water skier and water speed freak). Anyway, there I was, impressing with my abilities to turn a jet boat 360 degrees at 50 knots and happened to glance over. You know, knuckles really do go white and faces DO go green.
6. Took a lady skiing in the big hills and she broke her ankle within 15 minutes of putting on her first snowboard. My fault?
7. Went for a long weekend and missed the flight (Why don’t they use proper time numerals on the tickets, I still say that 0 was an 8?). Gatwick airport hotels are just not conducive to romance or a fit substitute for Prague!
8. My favourite is the attempted seduction of a girl I met in my previous country of residence. Absolutely stunning, beautiful smile, twinkling eyes, hair to grab hold of, the lot! Not being particularly shy, opportunity always looks better going than coming, I decided to approach her with my manly swagger and flex the remainding muscles still discernable through the expanding warm covering. All went well, or at least I thought I was doing ok. Difficult to tell, she did not speak a word of English! I am not one to fall at the first hurdle, made hand gestures and determined where she originated from. Made the signals for her to remain in situ so to speak and she nodded enthusiastically whilst I trotted off to a local newsagents to get the appropriate phrase book. Returned triumphant, mission accomplished and getting a Czech phrase book is NOT EASY in Spain. Sat down and commenced our conversation and was astounded at the tears falling uncontrollably down that sweet face, I wanted to kiss them away. No need as it happened, she was pissing herself laughing, she was Russian. We actually had a good relationship for a couple of years after that episode so I reckon that one was a bit good!
The list is endless, believe me and an inordinately high percentage are total flops! But, that does not stop me or most men, it has to be a challenge and adrenalin need we have, either that or the desire to appear to be complete pricks!
The ability to come over as stupid nonentities to the opposite gender is a skill we males have honed to perfection and has become somewhat of a habit, if not tradition.
So, ladies, how does a lumbering, bumbling, muscularly challenged, short sighted, pot bellied apparition clothed in what looks like the throwaways from the local charity shop woo your desirable selves? We really need some help here. In fact, some of us are getting quite desperate!
We do it all, the collection from your abode, the complimenting on the way you look, dress, your smile, the works. Open doors for you, make sure your edible and quaffing requirements are met, deliver you back safe and sound, thanking you all the time for honouring us with your very presence when you could have stayed home and washed your hair. We dutifully peck the cheek with real affection and continue the male style courtship until such time as it is whoopeeeeeee, or bog off.
During this phase of the experimentation into what you really want we ask questions or make comments to determine the next move, see how we are doing etc.
Now this is where we brainless morons fall flat on our faces. We cannot anticipate reactions to questions or statements that we see as basic and straightforward and you wonderful ladies see as some sort of criticism. Examples:
Wow, You look great in a dress!
What’s wrong with me in jeans, have I got a fat arse?
You look happy.
Oh, so now I’m usually a miserable bitch am !?
I like it when you laugh.
Why? If you think it doesn’t happen much, it must be you.
Your hair looks good.
Oh, that’s right, have a go, It’s taken me hours and I can’t get it right, thanks for reminding me!
Those jeans fit really well on you.
Oh, so all my others are too tight are they, if you think I’m fat just say so.
I thought we might go to an Italian restaurant for a change.
Brilliant, I’m struggling with a diet and you want me to stuff myself with starch and then breathe garlic over me all night. Why do you never think?
Shall we go to the theatre?
The theatre? Why are men so stupid?
I’d like to take you away for a weekend in the Sun somewhere.
Thank you, I don’t think, have you noticed how many people are getting skin cancer because of the Sun? Are you trying to kill me?
Just a smattering there ( I have a LARGE number more for requests only!)
My favourite of all time is “Why are men so stupid?”
The reason is, that if we are, why do you ask, you’re not going to get a coherent answer from a stupid person are you?
Are you getting my dilemma yet?
You see none of us wish to be known as “nice” ( See blog by PreciousOrchid for interpretation of “nice” and we do want to portray our individuality and be loved for our idiosyncrasies.
And, the truth is, we do not really want to understand you, just cherish the differences.
So, is seduction better than sex.
Typical male, I like both and am too stupid to differentiate between them.
Just a quickie:
Got an email from a new lady this morning and I quote:
“God, your sexy, do you like surrealist art?”
That was it, what the shit does that mean?
Am I now expected to fornicate amongst satanic art forms and sell my soul to the devil or what?
Understand women? Forget it.
You all have fun now.
5/28/2006 11:46 pm
I really like you!!!
and such a creative wordsmith...
you really did make my day brighter
Have a lovely week...